Trouble in Paradise
Dear Community,
Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Adult ADHD
Has anyone been married to a partner who was adult ADHD? My husband and I have been struggling for some time. He loves me but there is a clear disconnect between what he says he?s going to do and does. It is all very confusing. He has an appointment later this month to get a professional opinion. If it is ADHD I have no idea what to do this is all very new to me. If it?s not ADHD I don?t think I can continue living like this. I won?t go into detail but it?s very difficult. Anyways I thought I would post a message to get other perspectives and experiences. Please share!
Re: Adult ADHD
My H has Adult ADHD. We only had it diagonosed when my son was diagonosed w/ ADHD and Autism. So I lived MANY years w/ him undx'd and untreated.
While he may have been a little scattered and sometimes hyperfocused and lost track of time say w/ video games, I never was left questioning if he was going to do anything he promised to do.
My H is an adult and had developed his own coping skills to get through school and college and keep a job with undx'd ADHD.
Now that he's dx'd and takes meds, he's still the same person but he doesn't have to struggle so hard w/ this coping skills to stay on topic or do things he doesn't particularlly enjoy.
My SON w/ ADHD, who has not finished mastering his coping skills, I need to constantly redirect and help him w/ staying on task and finishing.
Without more detail as to what your particular disconnect is, and only based on your small post. I'm going to assume your H never developed any coping skills on his own and you have more of a manchild on your hands. Meds won't fix that.
Can you provide examples? Are we talking house chores? What marital problems/relationship issues are you having? Does he ever show empathy towards you?
I can tell you it's not easy. I have ADD. Here's a great description of what your husband is dealing with on a daily basis. Medication can help but expect months of trial and error to find a medication that works.
This is definetly worth the read. http://www.reddit.com/r/explainlikeimfive/comments/16joxj/people_with_adhd_what_adhd_is_like_how_does/c7wnp37
My DH has ADD and is an adult. I don't know if there is a difference. He was diagnosed as a youth.
We have been married almost 9 years. He graduated with his BA while not being medicated. It was hard for him, but not impossible.
He is now on a slow release ADD medication.
I will say, that while they were working on getting his dosing right, it was hard, but now it is fine. I don't notice *that much* difference, but DH does.
When you've been married this long, you need a ticker to remind you.
Baby Boy M - 08/01/2013
Here's a good article in the NYT about how Attention Disorders can affect a marriage.
My (soon to be ex) husband has ADD and when we were first married, he was not medicated. It was extremely difficult to live with him: In the middle of conversations I'd realized he hadn't been listening, he'd constantly forget to do things he said he would, he'd get so hyper-focused on something (video games, genealogy research, fantasy sports leagues) he'd stay up until 5am then be a zombie at work the next day.
He had to try several different meds (one made him feel like he was in a daze, another kept him awake at night) but I really did see a big change in his focus once he found the right one. It wasn't enough to save our marriage, but it definitely helped him.
I believe my guy has it, his mother said he had adhd as a child, but stopped giving him medication because she didn't like how it made him... and he has never been the one to go to the doctor for anything... last time he went was because I was begging him to go after being in a fireball (tried to light a bonfire and turned himself into one).
But I do think he has it, he has about 10 unfinished projects and has so much on his mind on what he wants to do but doesn't do them or start them or finish them. What I found that helps was being involved in his jeep building project, I helped him put it together, went online with him and ordered parts and reminded him each week he needed to get this or that. This is the only 'project' he has 90% finished.
Hi 139agl:
My husband has ADHD. Has this been officially diagnosed as an adult? NO. Was he diagnosed as a child? YES
We have been married 1 year and 4 months this month and this is part of the reason we are in therapy. Have been seeing someone now for probably the better part of 8 months. My husband gets lost in video games, TV series on Netflix, a random passion of his etc. He is extremely scattered.He doesn't want medicine, I would rather him not take medicine either but again we are waiting to make sure that he doesn't need it before going forward.
I have found that it helps to make him a list of things to do while he is at home for the day. He may or may not pick up the list to do and I have to remind him about it at times throughout the day but its not a big deal to me. Leave the list in a place he will find it. Don't put more than 5 things on it. Make it fun, if you can. Leave a sticky saying I love you or Thank You that he gets to discover once he completes the task. This reinforces his behavior.
Appointments are a huge problem for us. We use this app called COZI. I highly recommend to anyone. You can plan out just about anything you want. This has really helped us because it allows you to send reminders to your phone, multiple at times and about anything; birthdays, appointments, etc. It awesome. Check it out. You can even plan meals. On that note, I will say my husband loves to cook. I take advantage of this. He has a recipe and all the ingredients for him for any particular night of the week. He cooks, I clean. He cooks, I pick up the house while he does this. This is a win win for me since I can't cook, don't like to cook, etc.
Another thing that I have been doing that is very helpful for him is if I have asked him to do a task like take out the garbage before I get home and it isn't done; it might sound horrible but I tell him to do it right then and there when I notice. He gets upset and stomps his feet but he can be a productive part of the home or he can change.
Also, if we have conversations that are about something important. We call a family meeting. Its just him and I but it works. A time and a place that he can focus. Where he isn't distracted. And because I am huge talker this one is hard for me but I limit the convo. to 10 - 20 mins. ADHD's can't hold their attention much longer than that. Also, talking while he is driving is a good option.