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Annoyed
I am annoyed at my H. I have been struggling with depression due to non combat ptsd for several years. My husband often suggests that I'm "codependent". I am also in weekly/bi weekly therapy and see a psychiatrist monthly.
He has told me when I become overbearing that I need a "hobby". I finally discovered one that I think I would really enjoy that also helps me grow and branch out. It's Paper-ED it's a neat DIY course offered at limited Michaels craft stores. It involves making different types of beautiful cards, how to incorporate paper crafting with inidividual journaling, etc. It's really neat! The problem is that it is not taught at any local Michaels within a descent 20 mi radius. So, I went to the actual Paper-ED website and have begun the process of becoming a Paper--ED instructor at a local Michaels and I am willing to travel to other stores that do not offer this course for part time.
I bring this to the attention of my H. I was so excited that I am starting to take initiative to embrace life and become more social. He responds with "Does it cost money?" Well, it seems the process of getting certified appears free. I would have to apply for an instructor slot at Michaels and would have to supmit projects 6 weeks or so in advanced prior to teaching my class.
Then he lays this out: "Wouldn't it be better if you just concentrated on school?" I'm taking one class per semester for the next 3 semesters until I'm caught up with the math requirements of my major. I'm in remedial math and also need to take College Algebra to clear it all. I'm horrid at math and it is necessary for me to only take it one course at a time with no additional courses.
I am BORED to tears. I am also sad that he shot it down. I am confused. I found a hobby and something I'd really enjoy and he shoots it right down, point blank. I don't shoot his ideas or dreams down, EVER! Even his dream of becoming an independent business man opening his own machine shop in a building on land we don't have with a home we don't have all the way in the sticks! Within ten years from now.
I'm a Political Science major with concentration in law studies. It's a bachelors degree. I am also planning to attend Emery University's CE program for my paralegal certificate post grad. Majority of jobs are in the city esp. ATLANTA. We already live 40 min north of ATL and we may have to move an additioanl 30-40 min further north to achieve his dream!
I'm making sacrifices, why can't he just embrace my hobby that is far less of a finance nightmare.
I'm too tired to argue, and I'd cry if I had the energy.
Re: Annoyed
So, why can't you do the hobby again? Money?
I mean, I understand if you guys are in a tight spot and need to save every penny, but you need to sit down and have a talk with him about your PTSD and tell him that the hobby will help you out greatly, if he doesn't understand that then you need to get a third party involved, I think.
To be honest, I back up my husband in his hobbies.. even though they are money pits, but he knows that when and if I find a hobby myself, I get to go all in like he does. You shouldn't be the only one not able to have a hobby, maybe try to look for some other ones in the meantime while you two figure out what is going on.
Um.. NO! lol
Yep, I hear you on that one. I think my husband is concerned about money... More importantly, I think he is concerned that I might end up taking up a hobby that could be more than what I had bargained for? College is a priority. He has seen me struggle in it and drop out twice due to (1) attempting to work full time at the same time (2) medical reasons.
I know he has my best interests in mind.
There are other hobbies, like reading. I enjoy authors like Robin Cook, Gyllian Flynn? (The one who wrote Gone Girl) That don't involve money. Which may be ideal for the time being and there are other low cost-free opportunities to get out.
We both have dreams, and plans. At least, we can talk to eachother :-) In the mean time, I am selling my cello which will be more than enough to fund whatever I may need for this current hobby to be a DIY instructor or just simply for my own enjoyment.
He may have your best intentions in mind, but you will never know if you can handle it unless you try it. I know college is hard work, I am a full time student (well was, have to wait until the baby is born to go back) for nuclear engineering so I know it is tough and sometimes discouraging. We all make mistakes in life, then we learn from it. I suggest reminding him that you are a grown woman and if you cannot handle it in the end, so be it, but until then you are going to try. *This part also sounds like my husband and I attribute it to him being 9 years older than I am, so he thinks he knows best for me* I do not know if it is the same with you, if there is an age difference.
That is good that you have a back up plan to fund your hobby, maybe if he sees how much improvement you have this time around and still doing the college thing he will be more comfortable supporting other hobbies while you are in school. Just keep talking with him and have an open mind, and tell him to have one too. You only live once and it will not be a full life until you experience all you want. All in all remember that you are grown, and while he may be trying to protect you, you know you better.
I'm so confused. He did what?
You want to do something and have researched what you need and everything.
Oh wait. You mean your H has told you no like you are a child and not his wife. Did you look at him and say you seem to be confused dear. I wasn't asking you I was telling you.
Go do this craft thing and tell him to kiss your ass. He is your H not your father for Christ sakes.
Yeah, this is kind of what I was thinking. If money indeed is really tight and this hobby of yours is a total budget buster, then I'd say your husband has a leg to stand on. Otherwise, he's being a jerk.
Even if has legitimate concerns, it wouldn't be out of line to discuss this with you. But to flat out dismiss you? That's pretty sh!tty. And he's definitely sounding like a strict dad, not a supportive husband.
yup. It's an awesome feeling having a husband who thinks I can do anything if I put my mind to it. How would he know if you just didn't do things you wanted to just to please him? I would have another sit down chat and come to a common ground where you are BOTH happy.
Oooh no. I am glad I had put this out there because it seems that me getting upset over the issue was not crazy at all!
I explained it as it was and I am thankful for all thoughts and words in comments.
No, the hobby is not a budget buster by any means. Infact, selling my cello would more than fund anything necessary such as items for the class, etc. I would even be paid to teach these 1-2 hour classes every so often.
I feel duped.
Yes, he shut me down immediately. Meanwhile, you would not believe what he does as far as hobbies... I mean... He spends more money on himself- I promise! He really got into it with me about his sacrifices for me. He also feels that he is far more deserving because he is a wounded veteran.
I'm getting screwed.
I just withdrew from planning our vow renewal ceremony because he refuses to spend money on it. He wont even pay to resize my wedding ring set since my BMI has increased therefore I cannot wear the rings.
There are times that he'll feel guilty and come to me about how he treats me and stuff. Really, the future is his, I guess.
I knew there were some issues about control problems. I just did not want to believe that I married the wrong guy, again.
Yeah I'm not seeing the money concerns here. Getting certified is free and it seems like the costs for supplies is minimal. Plus if you get paid eventually for classes, then that would probably cover supplies. I just don't understand why he is complaining when you are doing what he told you to do.
It also doesn't sound like he is too supportive of your goals in general. But at the same time, he wants you to dro what you are doing to make his dreams happen. That's not cool either.
Yeah. I missed the part where you explain what is redeeming about this guy? He puts you down because you have medical struggles and tells you to find a hobby. You find a hobby and he tells you that you can do that. Does he ever just accept you for who you are or is he always expecting you to be what HE wants you to be? This sounds like an exhausting marriage where you aren't free to be yourself. I'd be depressed if I married this guy too.
Wait a minute.
So, you are not working. You don't have children. You are in school, but taking remedial math classes that you struggle with a lot. (Who is paying for your school? ). You go to therapy twice a week and have already dropped out of college twice because you were either too ill (mentally?) or you couldn't cope while working.
If I were in your husband's shoes I wouldn't be pleased about you taking up a new hobby that you are going to TEACH at a craft store either. I would worry that this would be too much for you again, that you would drop out of college for a third time and is this the life he envisioned for himself with a fully functioning partner as well?
He's asking you to focus on school so you can finally finish it and you guys can move on with your lives. His "dream" of a home, land and a business to support the two of you completely trump your "dream" of teaching the art of card-making for practically free at a craft store when you feel like it while you maybe try to finish school. Sorry, you can't compare them like that.
I don't think this is about money at all. I think this has a lot more to do with his faith in the future and potential of who he married.
Chronically hilarious - you'll split your stitches!
I wrote a book! Bucket list CHECK!
http://notesfortheirtherapist.blogspot.co.uk