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Surviving Infidelity (Long)
I guess this post is directed towards anyone who has confronted infidelity and their relationship is still intact. How did you do it?
Here's the background;
H and I have been together for 6 years, we've been married for 2 of them. We have a 17 month old son and are expecting a little girl in 3 months. I have always had trust issues, stemming from childhood issues as well as previous relationships. H is aware of them and is generally pretty good about making me feel secure and confident.
Up until 3 days ago, I thought our relationship was great. Little did I know, that he had been having "affairs." I put them in quotations because I have no evidence that he acted on any of it, but if he didn't it wasn't due to lack of trying.
I recently found emails that were as recent as 4 days ago, and as long as 2 years ago establishing relationships with individuals online. I guess i'll just call it what it was, one of the emails was a confirmation to his craigslist post "Horney and Bored" requesting to receive a sexual favor. The other email, was correspondence between an individual on meeting to exchange favors. I didn't find replys to his post, but it was clear that the arrangements he made with the individual did not go through, as he stated he fell asleep and could not think of where to meet due to lack of sleep (he plays in a band and had a show that night, he didn't get home until late and was tired). Anyway, these two emails are what I found initially and I brought them to his attention. At first he tried to deny them, saying he doesn't use that email account and that it was spam. It clearly was not, and we both know it. He eventually stopped denying it, and just shut down. We agreed it was ludicrous and to not discuss it anymore.
I then, found two more emails from 2 different women from 2 years back when he was out of town for work, while I was pregnant with our first. Again, he claims they were spam but the details clearly show they were not. For example, he stayed in the Hilton Double Tree Hotel. The email clearly stated, I'm staying in the Double Tree until Thursday.
Anyway, these emails were not as bad as the ones from the other night, but they were discussing "fantasies" and some pictures that were sent.. I didn't see the pictures so I don't know what they were of, but his explanation of "that face, that stomach and those legs, I can't get them out of my mind," allows me to conclude they were suggestive photos at the least. The last correspondence I found between him and this women suggested that they exchange numbers or meet to have a drink and "get to know each other."
So we talked, and I told him I was on the verge of leaving. That if we didn't have a family and weren't married I would have been gone with no questions asked. However, we do have a family and marriage means a lot to me. He broke down, crying, begging for me to stay saying he didn't want to loose his family and that he couldn't survive without us. He still has yet to admit to anything, only saying he never meant to hurt me. As I do love him, and I do want to get past this because he isn't a bad guy and I do believe our relationship has good qualities, and of course for the sake of our family, I did agree to let him stay and that we would work on getting through this. He agreed, stating that he would do whatever he had to in order to get my trust back and that he wasn't going anywhere for anyone and that he had never cheated and never would.
So, with all of that said .... how do we go about fixing this? We have spent the last couple nights together one on one with good quality time. I realize that things have been different the last couple years with the stresses of life and kids. I do realize that I don't give him the attention I once had, so I am making more of an effort now. He is being very patient and kind, as I randomly start crying due to the images of the emails flashing before my eyes every time it's quiet or something brings them to mind.
I have told myself that I decided to stay and work this out, so that's what I need to do and the first thing is to stop talking about it. We spent two days talking about it, and he's aware that I know so now we just need to move on and BOTH of us need to work on making it work. But how do you go about getting that trust back and how do I get those emails out of my head?
Re: Surviving Infidelity (Long)
He needs to earn your trust again. Everything should be out in the open. You should have full access to his phone, e-mail accounts, computer, everything.
Both of you should go to counseling.
Does he still go out of town for work? If so, I would do my best to change that.
I'm bothered by the fact that he still won't admit to anything. He needs to come completely clean with you, if this is going to work.
Hi-
Thank you for your concerns. I have been tested, with both pregnancies. My OB routinly screens for STDs with a positive pregnancy test. With that said, I had been having some cramping that's lasted a little bit so my dr ordered a urine culture that included ANOTHER STD screening, it all came back clear.
I guess that's at least one positive thing in this whole situation.
I agree we should go to counseling as well, it's just so embarrasing that I don't want to talk about it to anyone and I can guarantee that he doesn't either.
No, he no longer works out of town. I am finishing school, and our only babysitter couldn't handle our son anymore, so he quit to stay home so I didn't have to quit school. As of now, he stays home with our LO and I work 4 days a week while attending school. This has probably attributed to the lack of attention he receives.
Also, I agree that it's troubleing that he didn't admit to anything as that would make the establishing trust that much easier, however with the contect of the emails and the individuals it was with, I am not sure I would admit to them either.
So even now, when he should be bending over backwards to apologize to you and try to earn your trust back, it's still all about him. He's selfish and doesn't care about anyone's wants or needs but his own.
This has been going on for two years (well, AT LEAST two years), and he continued to do it even after you caught him and confronted him. And he lied to you, because apparently on top of thinking you unworthy of his loyalty, he also thinks you're stupid. The bottom line is that he doesn't respect you, your children, or the concept of marriage.
I'm generally of the opinion that a relationship can't recover from infidelity. Even giving it the benefit of the doubt, it's only possible if the cheater shows sincere remorse and takes positive long-term action to make things right. Your husband won't even admit that he's done anything wrong- he makes it sound like he did something that is completely normal to do and inadvertently hurt you in the process. I understand that you want this to work out for the sake of your children, but I don't know how this could possibly get any better.
I understand but it only take one time for you and the baby to be exposed. So even though things are clear now, that doesn't mean they will be in the future.
I truly don't know what to say. I am so sorry you have to go through this. My only other advice is to at least try marriage counseling.
Oh and if you decide you don't want to live the rest of your life like this, that is ok too. Yes, there is honor in trying, but there is also honor in ending things too if you so choose.
Good luck, I know you must be feeling terrible right now.
Yes, this year has been off to a bad start since the 2nd of January, and shows no signs of getting better.
Marriage counseling is something I know in the back of my mind that we need, I guess I was just hoping it would be something we could resolve ourselves. But our marriage is important, at least to me, and I want to do what we have to to at least give it a try. If it fails, it fails, I'm not going to stick around for a lifetime only to regret my actions. But I will TRY once. This is his once, and he is clear on that. I just wish I could get the emails out of my head, that would make moving on a little easier.
You know what, you just might not be able to forget. Again, there is nothing wrong with trying, but your trust has been broken and you might not be able to trust him again. That isn't a reflection on you but him.
I have never been in your situation and I know I truly can't say what I would do if I were, but I don't think I would be able to forget either. I would constantly be wondering if it was happening again.
This is not an excuse. Plenty of people stay home and take care of their children while their spouses work outside the home and manage not to cheat. You work and go to school, which doesn't leave much time for you to get attention from your husband, but you haven't responded to that by seeking attention elsewhere. If he's not happy with the amount of quality time the two of you get to spend together, that's perfectly legit, but the way to address that is to talk to you about a possible solution, or to be an adult and suck it up until you're done with school.
You are absolutley right. I never thought of it like that.
You are working every day to provide for your family, and going to school to ensure that your family will be financially stable and well cared for into the future, and he's sitting at home whining that he's not the center of your attention right now and it's somehow your fault that he's been trolling the internet for other women. I am so angry on your behalf.
If you're not ready to give up on this just yet, tell him you want to go to counseling. If he doesn't enthusiastically agree and tell you how grateful he is that you've given him this opportunity instead of kicking his self-centered a$$ to the curb, that should tell you something.
You need to go to www.survivinginfidelity.com There is a "Just Found Out" Forum that might have some stories just like yours.
Until your husband admits, acknowledges and OWNS his actions, your marriage is doomed. You can take him back, ignore the doubts in your gut and try to pretend that everything is OK..
How did that work for you the last time you found evidence of his cheating?
You don't have to make a decision tomorrow, but you have to understand that YOU have all of the power in this situation.
Just out of curiosity, how did you find these emails in the first place? If they were two years old, I'd have to think you didn't just stumble across them.
I don't really believe a relationship can truly be the same after infidelity, but it can "survive". Only you can decide if the changed relationship that results is enough for you. But in order for even that to work there needs to be complete accountability and complete transparency.
Accountability-he had to fully own up to his mistakes. No downplaying, no "oh but you were so busy with the baby" blame-shifting.
Transparency-he needs to be an open book, at least for a good long while. That means you can check his phone, email, Facebook, what have you. He needs to be open about his whereabouts.
The question is whether he is up for it. I do think you guys need counseling and it isn't anything to be ashamed of. That's what they're there for!
Stop being embarrassed for something you didn't do and seek help. You cannot do this alone and your DH is more likely to continue this behavior b/c nothing real is addressed. He tells you what you want to hear, you forgive him, he deflects if you start to question him, cycle repeats. You will get anger and you should not feel bad talking about it, with any issue the worst mistake a couple can make is not talking.
This behavior is on your husband and nothing you did or did not do contributed. Sorry but plenty of good husband/wives experience some neglect esp after a child is born, they don't seek out sex from strangers. Maybe he didn't act, maybe he did that is not the point. Trust is broken and you cannot rebuild it without help and discussing the real issues in a marriage. Lets face it, no one wants to deal with the ugly truth so we avoid it. Just like you are doing, seriously side eyeing the 2 nice evening together. I know you are pregnant but this will only get twice as hard once you have another child. Deal with it today, make an appointment. Oh and he should feel uncomfortable, stop protecting him.
Baby Boy loved for 15 weeks, 5/31/11
Baby Girl loved for 16.5 weeks. 3/1/12
To be honest, he sounds like a lying, manipulative jerk. He has yet to fess up to anything? I imagine honesty/transparency is crucial to earning someone's trust back. And now that he's been caught, he's singing the blues? Give me a break!
Personally, I could MAYBE get over a one time indisrection (although I highly doubt it). This has been going on for years! I personally could not ever get that trust back.
If you're willing to make this work, that's your choice. I don't think you're going to manage that on your own. Marriage counseling is an absolute MUST! Maybe there your husband can finally come clean on what's actually happened and why.
Best of luck to you and sorry.
I guess i'll just call it what it was, one of the emails was a confirmation to his craigslist post "Horney and Bored" requesting to receive a sexual favor.
How about you become "Fed Up and Angry" and you request the favor that he take the keys to the road and GTFO????
You can't live with somebody like this. Once the cheating worm is in the apple, there is nothing you can do.
You might as well show him the door. God only knows what he might also have been exposed to; horrific at any time and paricularly when you are expecting a child. You don't want your child to be exposed to an STD.
His is the same ole story: crying and guilty and boo hoo hoo I don't want to lose you. Really? So why come didn't he think of all this before he potentially/actually put his pecker where it belonged not?
You positively cannot put the blame for his infidelity because you did not showing him attention ---- and eff that noyze about being patient for him. With this type of reasoning you are enabling him and making an excuse for him and you are also putting the onus on yourself.
Show him out and stat. He's garbage. Sorry this happened to you.
I realize that things have been different the last couple years with the stresses of life and kids. I do realize that I don't give him the attention I once had, so I am making more of an effort now. He is being very patient and kind, as I randomly start crying due to the images of the emails flashing before my eyes every time it's quiet or something brings them to mind.
Do you understand how disturbing the above statement it?
YOU are justifying his actions because you havent given him enough attention? YOU are making more effort to pay attention to a man who has been lying and sneakiSng around behind your back for years?
HE IS BEING PATIENT??? OMG are you for real?
HE has been cheating on you for years!!!!!!!!! I can not begin to tell you the anger i feel when i read comments like this from women.
You married a liar and a cheater who STILL hasnt admitted he did anything wrong!!! and you want to know how to keep this farce of a relationship intact?
The best advice I can give, is get yourself inot counseling (alone) and learn why you tolerate a man like this, why you dont think you deserve a real man, and why you should be embarassed because your H is a dirtbag!
I also would not doubt if his cheating has gone on long before you were married. None of this began over the last couple years. This has been an ongoing issue with him.
I am seriious about showing him the door.
He agreed, stating that he would do whatever he had to in order to get my trust back and that he wasn't going anywhere for anyone and that he had never cheated and never would.
Really? How many decades is he planning on investing to do this???
Get rid of him today. You will never be able to trust him again --- the doubts and "is he doing it again" will always be there.
Don't subject your kids to a "father" like this. If you let him stay, I guarantee you that they will know things are not right between the 2 of you --- kids are funny about picking up on things. They will also learn that a dysfunctional marriage is what to shoot for...and that their dad is the type of example for a man for them to marry.
I agree with Tarpon
The fact that you can't forget is HIS fault. Not yours.
What would you advise your daughter to do?
Re: Surviving Infidelity (Long)
Oh, how I hate to read these stories. I have pretty much lived through this same ordeal. Shortly after getting married, I discovered emails from my husband responding to Craigslist ads. We ended up going to marriage counseling, and he swore that these ads had never actually been acted on. Unfortunately, I found more emails with conversations showing that he obviously had. If I hadn't found these emails, I never would have had proof. He never admitted to anything, even when I begged him, until I had concrete evidence. He begged me not to leave, and like a fool I stayed. I believed false promises.
I wish I could tell you it ended there. About half a year later, my husband went on a trip to Miami. I was feeling very intuitive, cranky, and suspicious before and after he came home from the trip. His first night home, I found more emails to women responding to their Craigslist ads, and in response to his. When confronted, he never admitted to anything more than posting the ads and responding to ads, claiming he never acted on anything. I had spyware installed on my computer and his cell phone ( and at the very least, I would encourage you to do the same, without telling your husband). I found one email where he was soliciting a woman, telling her he was married, but that he wasn't satisfied, that his wife was very negative and that he wasn't attracted to me. This has honestly been the most painful stuff I have been through in my life.
Staying with this man has destroyed my self-esteem, has made me suspicious, cynical, and destroyed my trust. Please leave, if he is doing this, it's a vicious cycle; do it for your health and well-being as well as that of your children's. The path that you're going down is going to be a million times more miserable than leaving. You will never trust him again, even if you tell yourself that you will. Against my better judgement, I have stayed. It gets harder to leave every time. Your self-esteem will dwindle, until you have almost none left. Also, they get better at hiding stuff each time that you catch them. I daresay he won't stop. I understand how you feel, and I am so sorry. I wish I had more encouraging, optimistic advice to give you.
If you really want to try to work things out, he should be working his a@# off to earn your trust back. If he doesn't suggest counseling or concrete verifiable measures that he will take to earn your trust back (without you pushing him or suggesting for him to do so), I would take it as signs that he is not that invested, and is not really too worried that you will leave. Tell him that you have not really decided whether you are going to stay or go, and see how he reacts. If you let him patch it over and dismiss it, you are setting yourself up for him to treat you as a doormat, over and over again. I am a hypocrite, giving you all of this advice that I haven't been able to take myself. Please don't wind up like me. Big hugs, and I hope whatever you decide, that you find some peace and happiness.