BNOTB
MeganAngela
member
Dear Community,
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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Pushy In-Laws
in BNOTB
Hey, everyone!
My in-laws have never hid the fact that they want grandchildren. I'm totally okay with that. In the past when they, mostly MIL, has made the rare comment, we've either ignored it or let them know that the thought of kids hasn't even crossed our minds. However, recently, the comments have been coming fast and heavy.
DH recently lost his grandfather, so we went to his hometown for a few days to attend the funeral. The whole time we were there, his parents made comments about us "giving them grandkids". FIL and MIL started up in the car on the way to the viewing screaming and laughing about "WE WANT BABIES! GIVE US BABIES!". So, I turned to MIL and said, "You're young enough! If ya'll want babies so bad there are plenty that need to be adopted!". FIL was like, "No! We want to be able to play with them and then give them back to their parents when we're done!", and I quipped back, "So do we!".
I thought that would be the end of it, but nope. At the viewing, MIL was holding her great niece, and DH's aunt came over to us and said, "Ya'll need to get on it and beat SIL (who is engaged) to have the first grandbaby! The first one gets everything and the grandparents always pay for everything! Ya'll won't have to worry about a thing!" MIL stood there nodding her head furiously with this crazed look of hope in her eyes. DH said, "I wouldn't hold your breath!", and I said, "SIL can have the first one! We're good!".
At the end of the night, MIL hugged me and was like, "I need you to stay healthy for my grandbabies!" At first I was bewildered because she doesn't have grandkids I could make sick, but then I realized she meant she wanted me to stay healthy so I can give her grandchildren. I didn't even know what to say. Every time she hugged me after that for the rest of the weekend she said that.
I tried to chalk it up to the family being in mourning, but the comments keep coming. Everything from wanting to move closer if we have kids, to her wanting to save things she comes across for our non-existent children to have one day. I don't know how many times we've told her we aren't thinking about kids (though, we haven't come right out and said we don't want kids period), and we've tried to turn the tables on them with jokes to no effect. And we can't even suggest she get involved with other children as she keeps three young children and toddlers during the week, and it has only served to fuel her "grandbaby fever".
FBIL told us that they are getting pressured a lot, too, so we can't even suggest the in-laws go nag them. He said that the in-laws have been constantly joking with them about getting their daughter pregnant on the honeymoon, and even SIL who wants kids is getting a little freaked out by how crazed her parents are getting. At one point she heard me telling the in-laws to put their hopes on SIL, and she went bug-eyed, shaking her head going, "nononononono!".
I just don't know what to do anymore. DH and I already limit our time with the in-laws for other reasons, but we feel like we might need to limit it even more. Plus, we're out of ideas other than coming right out and telling them that we don't want kids and they need to get over it right now. We didn't want to do that because we figured my uterus is not their business, and they'd get the picture when the kids never came along.
We've tried all the suggested tricks, and the in-laws are just stubborn about it. I guess we're just tired of it and I needed to vent. You are fabulous if you made it to the end of this post, and I thank you!
My in-laws have never hid the fact that they want grandchildren. I'm totally okay with that. In the past when they, mostly MIL, has made the rare comment, we've either ignored it or let them know that the thought of kids hasn't even crossed our minds. However, recently, the comments have been coming fast and heavy.
DH recently lost his grandfather, so we went to his hometown for a few days to attend the funeral. The whole time we were there, his parents made comments about us "giving them grandkids". FIL and MIL started up in the car on the way to the viewing screaming and laughing about "WE WANT BABIES! GIVE US BABIES!". So, I turned to MIL and said, "You're young enough! If ya'll want babies so bad there are plenty that need to be adopted!". FIL was like, "No! We want to be able to play with them and then give them back to their parents when we're done!", and I quipped back, "So do we!".
I thought that would be the end of it, but nope. At the viewing, MIL was holding her great niece, and DH's aunt came over to us and said, "Ya'll need to get on it and beat SIL (who is engaged) to have the first grandbaby! The first one gets everything and the grandparents always pay for everything! Ya'll won't have to worry about a thing!" MIL stood there nodding her head furiously with this crazed look of hope in her eyes. DH said, "I wouldn't hold your breath!", and I said, "SIL can have the first one! We're good!".
At the end of the night, MIL hugged me and was like, "I need you to stay healthy for my grandbabies!" At first I was bewildered because she doesn't have grandkids I could make sick, but then I realized she meant she wanted me to stay healthy so I can give her grandchildren. I didn't even know what to say. Every time she hugged me after that for the rest of the weekend she said that.
I tried to chalk it up to the family being in mourning, but the comments keep coming. Everything from wanting to move closer if we have kids, to her wanting to save things she comes across for our non-existent children to have one day. I don't know how many times we've told her we aren't thinking about kids (though, we haven't come right out and said we don't want kids period), and we've tried to turn the tables on them with jokes to no effect. And we can't even suggest she get involved with other children as she keeps three young children and toddlers during the week, and it has only served to fuel her "grandbaby fever".
FBIL told us that they are getting pressured a lot, too, so we can't even suggest the in-laws go nag them. He said that the in-laws have been constantly joking with them about getting their daughter pregnant on the honeymoon, and even SIL who wants kids is getting a little freaked out by how crazed her parents are getting. At one point she heard me telling the in-laws to put their hopes on SIL, and she went bug-eyed, shaking her head going, "nononononono!".
I just don't know what to do anymore. DH and I already limit our time with the in-laws for other reasons, but we feel like we might need to limit it even more. Plus, we're out of ideas other than coming right out and telling them that we don't want kids and they need to get over it right now. We didn't want to do that because we figured my uterus is not their business, and they'd get the picture when the kids never came along.
We've tried all the suggested tricks, and the in-laws are just stubborn about it. I guess we're just tired of it and I needed to vent. You are fabulous if you made it to the end of this post, and I thank you!
Re: Pushy In-Laws
I know how you feel! My entire family, in-laws and my own family, but DH and CONSTANTLY about kids! They will ask us personal questions like "are you actively trying?" (thanks for wondering if we have sex!) or my favorite, "are you on birth control still?" Despite my many attempts to tell them politely we do not want kids, or my birth control and sex life is non of their business, they continue on. So, I just started telling people (while un true as far as I know) that I can't get pregnant due to crazy uterus problems. Makes it really awkward for the asker and ends the conversation very quickly.
I know exactly how you feel, except that it isn't my in laws, but my family! My mother already has grandchildren (I am the only one of my parents' four children to not have kids yet) and my mom has been nagging and nagging about me giving her a granddaughter, because everyone has boys so far. I am the only person from my immediate family with a college education and I guess they can't understand I have other things in mind besides immediately starting a family. My parents do give preferential treatment to my siblings, like going to visit them more (we all live within 5 miles of each other), and giving them money to pay the bills, but I'm not that worried about it.
I have used your line "If you want a baby so bad, adopt one," and got a similar answer lol. There's nothing you can do to stop them, so I'd just try to ignore them as best you can. Hopefully, it will eventually die down.
**6.30.12** I have found the one whom my soul loves.
It seems as if you're already limiting your time with them. Unless you want to stop seeing them all together I think you and your hubs should discuss ways of flat out telling them. Easier said than done, I know. They already know you don't want children, wether or not you joke about it it's been said by both you and your hubs that kids are not in your future, maybe they think that it's a "phase" or that playful hinting isn't hurting anyone. So maybe once you make it clear the comments will stop.
GL!
Wow... this sounds like some weekend! I agree with PPs. I would come out and say we are not thinking of kids and would like the pressure to cease. I know this is much easier said than done but it doesn't appear as though the 'hinting' is working for them.
GL! I feel your pain on this.
Thanks, everyone! I just really needed a place to vent because DH and I have talked it to death!
I'm definitely in the fur baby crowd! We have two kitties, and I call them my son and daughter! My own mom even signs my birthday cards with their names and "paw prints", and the names of the two I owned with her but she wouldn't let me take when DH and I got married! She considers our pets her grandbabies, so when I tell her how one of them has been bad she'll fuss at me for fussing at her babies! Haha!
I'm just glad my own family is supportive of us not having kids! Even my 80-something, conservative grandmother is encouraging us to travel and live it up over having children! Though, I guess it is easier for them as I've said my entire life I wasn't interested in kids (just pets, and lots of them!). Plus, my mom has never felt like being a grandmother was some huge life goal for herself, so there has never once been pressure from her.
I just try to remind myself that even if the in-laws are going baby crazy, DH and I have 100% support from my family and our friends, and that helps a lot. Sometimes I still need a good vent, though! You all have been amazing! xo
I think i would have lost my mind if i had to listen to that kind of pestering for an entire weekend!!! You poor thing!!
Luckily it isnt my inlaws, plus we rarely see them. My mom is starting to push about it, to the point that i told her to knock it off and the subject is off limits. I told her to go bother my brothers (one is recently married and one is engaged) DH and I have had many discussions about it, we are in the not anytime soon camp and maybe not ever. It drives me nuts when people say oh you might change your mind later! Maybe i wont and whats wrong with that?! DH and I are very happy with our 2 furbabies (a cat and a dog)
My MIL and occassionally my FIL ask us about it but it is not nearly that bad. I'm usually able to divert with conversation about my doggy.
I agree with PP. I think you need to just come out and say bluntly that this is really getting out of hand and that you don't appreciate their rude questions.
This exact situation happened to me before my husband and I got married.
My now MIL would come up to me and rub my belly like I'm already pregnant and FIL would tell us to get pregnant every chance he had. No matter what excuses we came up with, he just didn't care. He even told us to stay home for 2 weeks straight after getting married so we could focus on making babies (one of our excuses was we can't make babies until after marriage).
I eventually got fed up and told him bluntly that we are not getting pregnant in the near future. FIL was really pushing it and said "What if God gives you a baby right now, you can't say no". I lost it! I lied and said I don't believe in God, things got awkward very quickly, and I went to my room to cry.
FIL apologized to me and they have yet to bring it up again, even after marriage. It was upsetting for the situation to get that way but at least they backed off. I will never suggest for you to do this with your in-laws. I just wanted to share my experience.
I really don't see this coming to a stop unless you're just honest with them. If anything you could sugar coat it a bit and say something like "Oh, we want to do this-and-this before children" or "we just want to enjoy US for as long as possible." Something that may get the point across, but won't sound as harsh.
Good luck! Luckily my in-laws and my side are on the same page as me when it comes to children...it's just my HUSBAND who is all baby-crazed.
My mil was going on and on about wanting kids, and I'm in the middle of nursing school, about to head into my senior year with plans of going further on. Finally we just flat out said, no we're not having kids right now, not until I get my masters at the very earliest. Anymore mention and we won't talk/call/visit until you get the point. She stopped talking about it.
Good luck!! Maybe it'll work for you too.
Dear Megan,
I am having a similar situation. My mil and fil make comments all the time. It really hurts my feelings. They have made so many comments that it has really pushed me away from having a child. I love my in-laws to death but enough is enough. I want to say something but I am just trying to keep peace.
My problem is that FI used to be against having kids as well, but now they're really, REALLY pushing him, trying to brainwash him... and I think it might be working.
The thing is, when we're honest and not thinking about it, we'll both readily say, "Babies? Ew!" Howeverrr.... when they've been nagging, and I complain about it, he seems more readily able to change his mind.
WTH. It is MY uterus, and we already discussed all this!
Oh thank God I thought I was the only one! My HB and I have been married all of 5 minutes, and my MIL had us getting pregnant the day after our wedding!! It drives us both completely nuts, but after reading all of the posts on here, I have to say that we do the same thing: IGNORE IGNORE IGNORE! Our best offense is a sensible defense. We stopped listening, shake our heads, and say "uh hmmm".
Nobody has the right to dictate when you will have children. Live your own lives, travel, do whatever it is you want to do; the main thing is to have fun! I'm 31 and am in no rush whatsoever to start a family. Actually, I already did..the day I got married.
It just seems like during every major family thing that arises, it comes up. When our nephew was born, lots of "it's your turn" comments came up. During a family trip to visit some relatives (who had just had their second child), it became this: we want you to have a baby but we would like you to magically control your lady parts and make it a girl too.
It's not that I don't want one. I am just in the mindset where I wouldn't want to consider it until I'm in a more permanent living establishment which I thought was understood.
We're on our way to Thanksgiving dinner with his family as I type. And I'm up to at least one mentioning of my popping out a child in under six hours of travel. This should be fun.
I say tell them the truth.
They are torturing you, and you are allowing it.Its more important for YOU to feel uncomfortable with the way they make you feel, then for YOU to make them feel uncomfortable by telling them the truth.
"FIl and MIL, I know you are excited about grandchildren and that's great. I want to make sure we are all on the same page because you are really making me feel uncomfortable, even though you don't mean to. DH and I are not having kids anytime in the future. I am asking you to stop asking us when are we going to have kids. We WILL let you know when we are ready, but we are not ready and don't know when that will be. I am asking that you stop talking to us about having children.".
You can be kind but firm. Worst case scenario is that if they wont leave you alone tell them you just diagnosed and you are not able to have kids. Then when you do "it was a miracle".
Or tell them about the 3 miscarriages you have had and she needs to stop asking you.
I don't mean to be nasty, and I don't mean any disrespect to those having problems. But I think being straight with them is your best course of action.
I'm dealing with this same issue. My FIL has been pressuring my DH and I to have children since we first got engaged two years ago. We just got married 3 weeks ago so we definitely are not at the point where we want to have children. We're both 26 and decided that we don't want to have children for another year or so. I have had miscarriages in the past before we were married so, the topic is kind of a sore one for us. His questions and comments would make me really uncomfortable because I feel that it simply isn't any of his business. We had to have a serious sit-down talk with his dad to make the questions about grandchildren stop. Since you and your DH have decided that you won't be having children I think you should tell them. They might try to convince you to change your mind but as long as you stick to your guns eventually they should drop the issue.
I've had similar problems with my in-laws or well everyone asking us about babies. My MIL went as far as saying "she would take care of the baby until I was ready." We are in our early twenties! I just stick with i'm never having them and go on about how annoying the screaming kid at the store was. Whether its true or not its none of there business. They'll get a proper notification if the time ever comes.
Good Luck!