Trouble in Paradise
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WWYD
I've been with my husband for 9 years, married 5. We have had trust issues in the past, both parties have done wrong, we have recieved counseling and have been in a very good place for awhile now. DH works at a local business that is mostly family employeed but there are a few non family members that work there. He is one of the non family employees. Recently one of the boss's daughter started to work there. She is very flirty, dresses extrememly suggestively, talks about sex and is very vulgar on a daily basis. She has begun texting my husband. Some stuff is pretty plain, work related while I'm not a fan of her doing it at all, there wasn't a huge reason to get angry. She now began texting stuff I find very inappropriate. I talked with my husband who wasn't hiding the fact and actually showed me the messages. He agreed they were not something he was or wanted to encourage. He told her in a text that he was married and to please not text to him as he didn't want to create problems with his home life. SHe continued to text him. He then again told her in person to please stop that he was married etc. She seems to think it's all a joke. Thinks his "wife is crazy" etc. Whenever I have stopped in at work to get something or drop something off she is a straight up b*&cT to me. Scowls at me, runs and stands next to my husband, touches his arm etc. Being a rather mature adult I have not said anything yet. Being she is the boss's daughter and my husband needs the job, I didn't want to create more problems. My husband is currently looking for a new job because he feels he can't go to his boss as it's her father and uncle and she continuues to parade around and make sexual comments and text him. What would you do. Should he try to talk to his boss? Should I say something. I'm thankful my husband has been honest but it's still creating a pretty big strain right now since I am very bothered by her boldness.
Re: WWYD
The good news is that your H is handling the situation appropriately. Hes shutting her down, looking for a new job.
Unfortunately, the bad news is he is very unlikely to get a good result if he complains.
That is a possibility, yes, BUT, he should absolutely say something. If his boss decides to do something like fire him, then his boss would be in the wrong and that is grounds for a lawsuit.
I'm on the fence about him talking to his boss. But either way- w/ HER he needs to just stop talking to her about it. He's tried telling her to stop, she hasn't. So now- he needs to ignore her. Never ever respond to a text, don't talk to her about it again, and really- talk to her only when his job requires it.
She clearly WANTS the attention and so far he's given her just that. So I think the next step is to take that attention away.
In the end he can't control her (well, he could block her #!!) - but he can control how he responds. And if he pretty much doesn't respond, she may get bored.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
My first thought.
Why not just "I don't want you to text me, I am not interested".
I agree completely with Wilsonny. If the texts are inappropriate in a sexual way or could be implied as sexual (which I'm assuming they are), it's sexual harassment. There are laws in place that deal with sexual harassment in the workplace, and the company could get in huge trouble if they don't do something to protect your H and make his work environment a comfortable place to be. If the victim was a woman, people would be screaming up and down about how the man should be fired. It should be no different just because the victim in this case is a male and the perp happens to be the boss' daughter.
I wouldn't suggest your H go in to the boss and demand that she be fired because that's not his decision. But if it were my H and his employer didn't take appropriate action to make sure he didn't have to deal with this behavior, I would go straight to an attorney and file a complaint with the appropriate state agency.
Hopefully, your H won't choose to try and ignore the behavior until he can get another job elsewhere. I can understand if he wants to leave after all of this drama, even if it works out in his favor, but he shouldn't be the one to have to pick up and leave just because she is making his life uncomfortable and miserable. If anyone's going to leave first, it should be her, and hopefully she'll get the boot. GL.
And also this.
Document, document, document. Every text, every phone call, heck maybe even every conversation. Write it down.
Oh and PPs are right. He has to stop putting this on you and let her know HE doesn't like her sending text messages and HE doesn't like the way she talks to him and HE is uncomfortable.
Should you say/do something? No. Even though I would want to tell her to f*ck off and then break her arms!
It's tough since it's family but I don't think your husband would be even remotely in the wrong to speak to his boss about it. Afterall, this IS sexual harrassment (let's face it, if it were a man doing this to a woman, it would NOT be tolerated). She's making him uncomfortable to the point he feels he needs to seek other employment? It's terrible a company would allow this to happen to an employee and it's WRONG.
Does the company have an in-house HR rep he can speak to? Is his boss (the girl's dad) the only person to speak to? Either way, he has to say something.
Hmmm... a very good point! OP - the way he communicated with the girl could have actually invited more interest. She could have interpreted his comments as "My wife is crazy and doesn't want you to text me anymore" which could just fuel her fire.
I still think he should speak to his bosses. It might do some good to re-address the issue with the girl more firmly - "I am married and have no interest in you. Stop texting me." After that, go with ECBs advice... incommunicado and block her phone #.
Thanks for all the great feedback. I do feel I need to clarify he didn't out blame on me. The text he sent her was pretty basic. Listen I'm not interested, I'm married have kids am happy. I find your messages inappropriate and I know I wouldn't want my wife getting these so please stop as I am not looking to create problems at home. When he spoke he said he stated the same things. I truly feel he was very direct and didn't place blame on me. Granted I wasn't there for the physical conversation so I can't say it went down exactly how he stated but I do trust him. She is the one stated, "why is your wife that crazy etc." From what I have witnessed from I, I have to say I believe his word as she truly shows downright crazy behavior. Still valid points to consider though and if I truly didn't feel like he was being honest, I likely would be out the door now.
I guess what gets me is if this was reversed my husband would be handcuffed and in the city jail! THe problem is their is no HR and I thin khe feels uncomfortable #1 Talking to her relative about it and #2 I truly think he feels like I'm a guy I shouldn't be having this issue. Thanks again for the feedback, I plan to talk with him tonight and hopefully we can get somewhere with this mess. I feel he needs to find a new job since it will likely be uncomfortable but I feel it also needs addressed because they could have a lawsuit on their hands if we truly wanted to go that route.
I think YH should be able to handle this woman and her actions on his own. I think he's not being assertive enough.
If MH doesn't want some girl around him touching his arm, I bet you she wouldn't be doing it.
TTC since September 2012
First I would block her number from his phone. It's obviously unwanted attention.
Second, I would document the texts he is receiving and the times she's sending them. If it's off the clock then there is no reason for her to be reaching out to him.
Third, talk to the boss. Explain that these are the messages he's been receiving from his daughter and ask how they should be handled. If she's dressing suggestively and speaking of sex daily then chances are her father is aware of how she carries herself.
Good luck and keep us posted.
I agree with PP that he should talk to his boss about the situation, no matter how uncomfortable the situation may be. He should also document document document! Keep track of everything she says to him, whether it be in person, text message or over the phone. If the whole situation were to go south she can easily turn the tables on him and state that he is sexually harassing her. Given that she is the boss' daughter, who do you think the boss would likely believe if that were to happen? Your DH could find himself in a jail cell if he didn't have the evidence to the contrary.
I also find it very childish and inappropriate that she is calling you crazy and saying anything negative about you. His personal life and family should be non of her business and not her's to talk about.
Also wondering how this situation worked out? Has he talked to his boss about the situation? GL and keep us updated!
I really agree with this. It would be hard to bring up to his boss (but I'd bring it first to the uncle, not the father), but I'd imagine the conversation could go something like hey, there's something that's been going on for awhile that is making me quite uncomfortable with (niece). I get that she is very friendly and personable, but for awhile now I've felt that some of the things she says and does, such as some text messages I've received and some of her behavior toward me is kind of crossing a line. I've asked her to stop sending me these type of text messages but it hasn't and I'm not really sure how to handle this. It's making me very uncomfortable (I wouldn't bring up that he is married - it would be inappropriate for her to do this to even a single guy that has not expressed interest) and I was hoping that you could perhaps help me to deal with it. I love my job and the company and it's not an issue of my work at all, it's just that I could really use some help in dealing with this.
I'd print out the text messages as well, and give uncle a copy. I would also email uncle before the meeting, something brief like "Hi Bob, can I talk to you about an office issue when you've got a free minute?"
This way, if the issue isn't dealt with or worse, there is some sort of retaliation, you have evidence (print this email after it has been sent and keep it at home) that there was sexual harassment going on and that you brought it to the attention of the company management, which is what you should do.
I know you are insecure because the two of you have trust issues or whatever, but I think you are involving your own issues in this where it needn't be. It's a workplace sexual harassment issue, plain and simple. Doesn't matter if it's the boss' daughter or the random dude that cleans the office windows.
Chronically hilarious - you'll split your stitches!
I wrote a book! Bucket list CHECK!
http://notesfortheirtherapist.blogspot.co.uk
I absolutely agree with this as well. She will go to her FATHER and UNCLE with a completely different story if she even suspects that he is going to bring this up to them.
How certain are you that he has never, ever, ever responded in a way, especially in writing, that could be taken poorly?
Chronically hilarious - you'll split your stitches!
I wrote a book! Bucket list CHECK!
http://notesfortheirtherapist.blogspot.co.uk
This is a good point too. However, you also don't know the whole situation - she might be doing this to more than one person in the office. This might not even be the first conversation like this that boss has had with an employee.
Chronically hilarious - you'll split your stitches!
I wrote a book! Bucket list CHECK!
http://notesfortheirtherapist.blogspot.co.uk