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Unreasonable? DH and DS...
I (think) I know the answer to this, but being in the situation, I seem to lose my perspective... Here is the story and background:
DH and I have DS, who is 4. DH has to be at work at 6am and gets home around 3:30 or so, so he has to wake up early and usually has to be in bed by 10 (but will stay up until 11 sometimes). His work is so busy that he usually doesn't get to take a lunch and often has to pick something up on his way home after work to eat. I usually work 9 to 6. DS is in preschool and usually is picked up around 6 or 6:30. Typically, I feed DS and do the bedtime routine, DH will sometimes bathe DS. DH has VERY BAD anxiety/OCD and obsesses about DS's safety, germs, etc., to the point that DH is actually fearful of being alone with DS at night while he is sleeping in case something happens (DH is on meds for his anxiety, but it is still bad). DH is big on his need to 'relax' and have his down time when he is not at work (that's a whole other story...)
Anyways, a few weeks ago, I told DH about a hair appointment that I had for this Saturday-- , scheduled it so it would overlap with DS's nap to minimize what DH would have to do. I wrote it on the calendar. About 3 weeks ago, I told DH that some friends of mine wanted to get together for dinner and this Thursday would work best and he seemed okay with it; put it on the calendar. A few days ago, I learned of a dinner that I should really go to that will be a good opportunity for me to be at for business reasons; I asked DH if it would be okay if I went and explained why I really needed to go; he was perturbed by the possibility of me going but wasn't like, no way, that won't work.
So tonight, DH offers to give DS a bath and because it is late, I'm like, "thanks for offering, but we'll just skip it tonight since it is so late; besides, since I won't be here tomorrow night, you'll have to do it then anyways, so don't worry about it." Then he gets all pissy--
DH- "what do you mean you won't be here tomorrow night?"
me- "I told you, I am meeting some friends for dinner that I haven't seen in a long time."
DH-- "what about next week? I thought that's the dinner you were talking about a few days ago?"
me- "no honey, that is the work related dinner, this is different"
DH-- "when did you know about the work dinner? why do they have to be so back to back?! what time will you be back?"
me- "I told you weeks ago about tomorrow's dinner. I found out about next week's work dinner a few days ago. you were okay with tomorrow's dinner before! I'll be back around 9, I guess"
DH- "I was never okay with you being gone tomorrow night, you just told me you were going to it. And I was never okay with you being gone next week- you said you 'HAD' to go to it and that it was good for business... Is there anything else that you are going to be gone for?!"
me- "yes, I have my hair appointment on Saturday that I already had told you about- it;s on the calendar."
DH- "And how long is THAT going to take?"
me- "I don't know? 3 hours?"
Then that's it-- I am sitting fuming on the couch, he is fuming in the kitchen. I say nothing more about it, nor does he.
Sadly, I can't say this same scenario hasn't happened before...
Given all of the details I provided above, is it unreasonable for me to be gone for 2 nights in a one week period and a few hours on a weekend where DH is solely responsible for DS's care?! I know he wakes up early, so by the time he gets DS to sleep, he may have an hour of time to himself (however, he comes home for about 2 hours of 'relaxing time' and THEN goes to the daycare to get DS...). Plus, FYI, I have been out of town the past two weekends WITH DS, so DH has had two weekends to himself in a row with NO responsibilities (he didn't even lift a finger each weekend to do any chores). But honestly, even before DH had this job, he would get pissy any time I would have to be gone after work hours, especially if it was for multiple times in a short period of time.
Lay it on me-- thoughts...
Re: Unreasonable? DH and DS...
I think he needs to talk to his doctor and get his meds adjusted (!).
I would have a "come to jesus" talk with him. What if you need your appendix out? What if you suddenly have to leave town to care for one of your parents? What if you were to die?
You need to be able to trust that he is capable of taking care of his kid. He doesn't have to be as "good" at it as you are and he doesn't have to do everything your way, but the kid's basic needs should be provided for by the dad.
Honestly, the idea that if something happened to me tomorrow that my kid wouldn't have a parent to take care of them would bother me more than an argument about a hair appointment or dinner event.
When you've been married this long, you need a ticker to remind you.
Baby Boy M - 08/01/2013
Ditto this.
FWIW, I work a very similar schedule to your H (I'm up by 5am, usually home by around 4) and I still take care of our son's night time routine because I'm still BF'ing. Then, after DS goes to bed, I stay up even later and pump milk for daycare. So I'm not getting a ton of sleep these days, but it's just what I have to do right now. I also have issues with anxiety. I'm not on meds for it, but I've always dealt with anxiety issues. But I can't let that get in the way of taking care of my kid.
Your DH is the boy's father. Obviously you need to share the responsibility, but if you have a few things that take you out of the house and they just so happen to fall on the same week, he should be more than capable of taking over for you.
i was going to point out the daycare thing, too. Why is your son in daycare until 6 when your husband is done with work by 3?
Your DH is the father. The other parent. He is equally as responsible for your child as you. There is absolutely no excuse why he can't "be alone" w/ his own child for a few hours or an entire weekend. It's ridiculous that being alone w/ his child is the crux of this issue. Why the F did you all have a child if he didn't actually want to be a parent to that child?
Yes - you need to stop playing his game.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
Man, ALL of this. He's the father for crying out loud!! And what would he do in an emergency, or if god forbid you passed?!? You need to bring this up to him because it is a serious issue! If it truly is mental, he needs to get to the doctor ASAP and get it taken care of. I also have to ask how he is when you are home...how does he interact with your son? Does he engage with him?
Geez. This man is supposed to be your partner. He's supposed to be this little boy's father. He's not a father! Pleas tell me you know that. He's not a father to your son. This man isn't someone you can count on to take care of his own kid should it become absolutely necessary. That would leave a huge, gaping and hollow feeling in my stomach.
I understand anxiety. I understand how debilitating it can be. But, your husband needs to go back to a doctor and counselor.
I'd probably be more understanding of your husband's side of things if you both thought of this situation as a true disability. People truly do have limitations and couples can and do work around them in all areas of life. However, it doesn't come across like that here. It seems to be something that both of you overlook (You: I'm going out - you can watch our son!) or hope to become normal (You want him to say: Sure, no problem!). That's not happening - you see that, right?
And YES, you are SO correct. There IS no partnership here... in any of it...
Good luck, rain!! You sound like you are seeing the situation from a new perspective, which is always really helpful for deciding what to do next. I really hope you two can reach a better place from here!
I agree with everything that the other ladies have said 100%. And you don't need to hear it all again, but it also looks like you are trying for another little one? If this is the case, it's just going to get magnified that much more with another child in the picture. This is something that needs to be figured out and he needs to step up and be a father and a husband - because at this point, in my humble opinion, it doesn't sound like he is doing/being either.
I hope for the best for you and your family....
You want another child with this guy?
I think you have a bigger problem than your DH.
I will ditto all of this as well. Wow! What kind of father is this!!!!?? I'm actually appalled. Do not have another child with this man until you fix this situation.
Yep, this.
Going by her ticker it is too late for that. You need to talk to your H.He has no right to be upset about any of this when you had already discussed it previously.
Good luck
"Do the best you can, until you know better. Then when you know better, do better."
-Maya Angelou
I agree with this, but I'm not sold on it being a control issue.
I have a friend with a marriage like this. They have an 18 month old DD. He loves DD, he loves his wife. However, he never cares alone for DD, he doesn't do the baths, the feeding.. anything more substantial than playing with DD. I hear from our other friends that she doesn't go out, ever, on her own or with friends. She stopped going to the gym and yoga - things she loved, and if she does go out with friends he's calling and texting her constantly asking when she is coming home.
He is not a bad guy, he just has zero confidence as a parent however - a lot of that is actually her fault. (put the pitchforks down) As soon as the baby was born she was all over it and didn't approach it as a team much at all. According to her he held the baby wrong, fed it wrong, she would re-adjust the baby's diaper if he was the one to change her - she picked out all of the kids' clothes - made all the decision about what baby ate, when, how. He swaddled wrong. He kept her outdoors too long. He didn't play with her correctly or engage her the right way. Basically, she treated him like an idiot that couldn't do anything and didn't let him learn and build any confidence, like every new parent has to, really.
So when he's left to care for DD he has zero confidence to do so, no experience in having done so and it's an incredibly stressful experience for him.
If any of this is remotely familiar, perhaps you could build up his confidence in his ability to care for DD and his comfort in being left with her not just alone, but even when you are home. Not forcing it on him in a "turn" type scenario, but being encouraging and letting little things go, getting him involved in more decision making and going with what he decides, even if it's not the outfit you would choose, the activity you would choose, the type of juice you would choose, etc.
Or he's a selfish jerkface. It could be that, too.
Chronically hilarious - you'll split your stitches!
I wrote a book! Bucket list CHECK!
http://notesfortheirtherapist.blogspot.co.uk
Your DH is seriously in the wrong and needs a perspective adjustment. He is your son's father, not the occaisional babysitter. If he is uncomfortable being the sole caretaker for a short amount of time, then I actually think he needs to spend MORE time taking care of your son to get comfortable with it, not less. I also recommend having him restart his therapy to develop new coping mechanisms to deal with his OCD and anxiety. I am not at all belittling these afflictions, as I suffer from them too. And while they should be understood and allowed for to a certain degree, it definitely sounds like he's using it as a crutch.
Best of luck to you.
Nestie Bestie with the lovely RockABye
If my husband doesn't put our child first, I would rather raise my child alone. I want my husband to love the child more than me, more than himself even. Child comes first in my eyes. Anxiety is one thing, being lazy and self centered is another. Are you trying to conceive again, with this man who doesn't care about his child???
I get that everyone and their relationship is different, but I think that this can often be a dangerous sentiment. Why would you want your husband to love his child more than himself or his spouse? It's not a competition - and I couldn't imagine saying to my husband that I love my children more than I love him, I couldn't even imagine feeling that way. We are a family unit, a little family unit of 4 and we love each other, that's enough.
I often think (silently, and to myself) that a lot of marriages fail because a woman martyrs herself upon having children - the children are EVERYTHING to them and their spouse becomes blatantly and obviously secondary. Everything is about the child and it gets so over the top that you end up with a kid growing up believing that they are the centre of the universe and that having crazed extravagant themed birthday parties with circus elephants and chocolate smurfs flown in from Belgium is totally normal while your spouse gets a half arsed card and a DVD. The house has more professional photos of the kid plastered all over the walls than any photos or character of the parents as individuals and as a couple and then well... you get dad's that have checked out and mum's that actively choose to be a single parent because only they can truly give their child the adoration they need, right?
Just a thought.
Chronically hilarious - you'll split your stitches!
I wrote a book! Bucket list CHECK!
http://notesfortheirtherapist.blogspot.co.uk
ITA!!!!
TTC since September 2012
Aside from the kid stuff that others have covered well...
I have an ex with serious anxiety so I know that life, but judging by the info in your post, you did everything right. You told him about the events. You gave him a chance to speak up and say 'please don't go'. You put it on the calendar. I live and die by my calendar. FI has learned that if it's on the calendar it's my reality. If it's not, I won't remember he mentioned it. If that's the way you treat your calendar, then he should have used that as his reference for the upcoming days/weeks to gauge whether you'd be around or not. Saying yes, then later being angry he didn't remember it is his issue. IMO. I try to remind FI if something is special/weird but ultimately he has eyes and his own copy of our calendars.
I couldn't handle the irrational anxiety, anger, jealousy, and other emotional swings. I left. He's a great guy but I'm not someone who can stay calm through that or bring children into that.
Yes, but I think the bigger question is why. Is he, and has he always been, a self-centered arseclown? Is he someone that thinks that raising a child is woman's work and he's done his part? Is it because OP has allowed this behavior from the very start and if so, is that the problem? If OP did absolutely everything, how can she realistically expect him to do anything with confidence and ability?
Chronically hilarious - you'll split your stitches!
I wrote a book! Bucket list CHECK!
http://notesfortheirtherapist.blogspot.co.uk
As I am reading all the replies to your OP I couldn't help but noticed the fertility tracker. are you two actively trying to get pregnant? if so maybe you should rethink having another baby when you already have two.
that came out harsh. what I meant to say was it would probably be a good idea to put that on hold while you two sort out the issues you are having right now.
and all the PP have a good point. what if something were to happen to you? would he be able to care for your son?