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Pain = lack of sex
My boyfriend and I have been together almost 3 years and have been living together about 1 1/2 years. We have a great relationship and communicate really well and have always been able to be open and honest with each other. I am 24 and he is 30.
When we have sex, it is fantastic. We are so attracted to each other and it definitely shows. No issues there. However, he suffers from severe jaw pain and headaches a lot of the time which really limits how often we have sex. He's on pain meds for it but he doesn't like the side effects they give him so he doesn't take them most of the time.
The longest we've gone without sex is 2 weeks which may not seem like a lot for others, but for me it is, and it's frustrating. I'm afraid to try to initiate anything because I'm afraid that I'll hurt him in some way or he won't be wanting it. I've talked to him several times this and he tells me he really wants me so bad all the time but that I don't understand how painful it is. He doesn't mean to keep us from being intimate and he wishes it could be different. I can tell he genuinely feels bad. He's even cried during our conversations about it.
It's not that I have a problem "doing it myself" you know, I just want that closeness between us. It's not about me being pleasured because I could do that whenever, I just love having that connection between us. It's something I've never felt so strongly about towards anyone I've been with.
I've been trying my absolute best to be there for him and be understanding and patient. I would do anything for this man, but this issue is wearing me thin.
Can anyone please help?
Re: Pain = lack of sex
Has he looked into alternative pain treatment methods like acupuncture?
There is also therapy for TMJ, if that's what he's got -- you mentioned jaw pain.
Shark cartiledge and hylauronic acid is also good for joint and bone problems. You can find them in most health supplement stores.
I've talked to him several times this and he tells me he really wants me so bad all the time but that I don't understand how painful it is. He doesn't mean to keep us from being intimate and he wishes it could be different. I can tell he genuinely feels bad. He's even cried during our conversations about it.
As I said, there is acupuncture, TMJ therapy and other alternative methods -- herbologists also exist --- there are also drug trials for pain.
Yoga is also supposed to work wonders for one's body. -- so does tai chi.
If he wants to make this right with you, God helps those who help themselves -- he can look into the methods I just mentioned or go ask his doc for other conventional meds that have less side effects and will be more compatible with him.
Has he tried masturbating you? there's also mutual masturbation.
Otherwise, I don't know what else he can do to work on alleviating the pain for himself.
See another neurologist for another workup and see what that doc says. Maybe he also needs to modify his behavior -- I don't know if he's in a high stress job; stress can be a contributing factor if you've got a chronic condition.
If it turns out that he isn't down with the methods I mentioned and there's nowhere to go from here with him, he can also give you the permission to pursue an open relationship. You would still date him but you'd find your sexual release elsewhere through other men.
If he won't actively try to find a way to alleviate his pain or perhaps look into alternative/herbal/tradtional medical ways to get the headaches and jaw pain to stop altogether (it can happen) that means maybe it's time for you to move on.
Baby Boy loved for 15 weeks, 5/31/11
Baby Girl loved for 16.5 weeks. 3/1/12
He has looked in to alternative options for managing his pain, including medical marijuana (we live in Washington state so it's legal here anyways). Acupuncture is a great suggestion!
I'll bring that up with him tonight.
His pain has been going on since before I met him so it's something he's been dealing with for a long time. It actually is TMJ, and there is a surgery to help fix it but it's very expensive and not a viable option right now.
An open relationship is not something either one of us would consider as we are both seriously committed to each other and even though this really sucks, I wouldn't even think of being intimate with someone else.
I don't want to make him feel bad for something he can't help, and I would do anything in my power to help him with this. I really do try to be there for him the best I can, I'll rub his back when he's hurting and prop up his pillows, tuck him into bed, bring him whatever he needs.. I just feel bad by bringing up the lack of sex. I hope we can find a solution soon.
Thanks for your input!
I hope you're not putting a lot of pressure on him because that's not going to help the situation any. Please be patient and understanding.
I agree with PPs... do your own research on alternative treatments. And don't present like "Hey, try this so we can have more sex." Act as if you care more about his well-being. Don't get me wrong - I'm sure you do care - just make sure it's communicated that way!
Has he talked to his doctor's about changing medications?
I hope he can find something that works for him!
Look into Eastern medicine and Eastern teachings -- there is meditation also. (the more I read about these methods the more I wonder if we're just all screwed up here in the West with a pill and pharmco culture. -- not to be misconstrued with forgoing meds altogether)
A guy I know who has Crohn's Disease swears by acupuncture. He hasn't had a flare up in years.:)
Dump him
You can get closeness and intimacy in many ways that don't include literal sex. Do you cuddle together? Do you cuddle naked? That's pretty friggin' intimate and fills in a complimentary space in my head to the desire for closeness with my sweetie. yes, mind blowing sex is important too, but maybe you being understanding about his conditions is the kindest most loving way to support him. What can he do that is intimate and close, but not so painful?
Have you tried massage therapy? My guess is that his muscles are very sore.
Beware of quack medical advice-do your research-but massaging the face, neck, and jaw was very helpful to me; prefer neuromusculur, physical therapy, and myofascial massage.