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Help! MIL's mental health issues breaking up marriage
Okay, sorry this might be a little long, but I'm in desperate need of help here!!
My MIL is completely overbearing. Yes, I did know this from the very first day I met her, but I just accepted it as her personality and seemed to manage well being around her. She seemed nice enough to me, until we got engaged...
A bit of backstory. MIL has gone through A LOT of trauma in her life - she was physically abused and her twin sister was molested when they were young girls, the twin turned to drugs, and then ended up dying in a drunk driving accident. All horrible things. MIL had taken in the twin's two daughters when they were both very young. While she seems to love them, she makes resentful remarks to the effect of, "I regret that it wasn't just me, DH, and DS." Um, okay. I'm not in her shoes, so I can't say anything but... it just seems harsh.
Fast forward to now. The ILs have two vacation homes - one is a ski house the other is by the shore (for the summer). Well, when I met DH, he was spending just about every weekend in the summer and every weekend in the winter with his parents, his sister and her family at either one of these houses. At first, I'd go with him and it was kind fo fun to get away, but I began to miss my family and friends (due to traveling a lot for my job and working weird hours, it was really difficult for me to get out and see people during the week). Also, something in my gut was telling it was a little off to spend so much time with DH's family... at the time, couldn't really pinpoint why. I finally mentioned this to DH at the beginning of last summer, and it did change a little... we spent a couple of weekends with my friends and family.
Anyway, as soon as we got engaged, MIL's ugly comments started and she became much more manipulative. She has a "GS" from one of the twin's daughters. She is VERY attached to this boy and at the beginning of last summer, told me that she was going to "take GS as much as I can this summer, weeks if I can, because I have NEEDS and I need him to be with me." This following on the heels of her telling my mom she would be the favorite grandmother when we have kids... yikes.... a week before the wedding, I hosted a brunch for the bridesmaids, my mom and MIL. She made some comments about how she doesn't have babies "right now" but that she uses baby detergent anyway??? Then, she made a comment about how she didn't ever want to have to share GS with his other grandmother (FYI, there is nothing wrong with the other grandmother, I've met her a handful of times and she seems lovely). Just really ugly things to say.
I brought all of this up to DH and expressed how uncomfortable she was making me feel, plus considering how much time we spend at their homes. He told me I was just being oversensitive. I really don't think so, so I ended up seeking out counseling for myself. The therapist told me that, given her history, it sounds like she is trying to "hoard" her family members in an effort to protect them from perceived harm - similar to what she went through and that this pattern will continue until either she, or DH gets help to see through what she is trying to accomplish here.
Okay, so I brought this back to DH and he flipped out. He said I was attacking his mother, that I was the one with the problem and has suggested I read MIL/DIL books so that I can get along with her better. Meanwhile, he told his mother that I was offended by her comments so she is also reading these types of MIL/DIL books. But... that's not the issue!!!!
My concern here is that this woman is very mentally unhealthy. It's masking itself as being functional because she's been able to keep her son and adopted daughters glommed on to her for so long that nobody else sees it. Like I said, she is extremely manipulative and I feel as though she has set up a situation right now where, if DH and I were to have kids, my family (and probably even me!) would be nudged out.
Not sure what to do - I'm on the verge of divorcing him because I feel like he's completely unable to see my perspective and will always defend MIL over me, in this and future issues.
Re: Help! MIL's mental health issues breaking up marriage
Would he be open to counseling too?
I don't know what to tell you, though. If you're not comfortable w/ the idea of future kids spending a lot of time w/ her alone, but your DH isn't on the same page - you have to really, REALLY think about your future.
And does your DH get how serious this is to you? Does he know that you're thinking of leaving him over it?
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
He was at first, and was willing to go see the same counselor with me. But, the counselor suggested to me that that might be a conflict of interest since I've gone to her a few times now, so she was going to find a separate counselor for him to go to individually, with the hopes that that counselor could steer conversations toward the relationship with his mom. There are all sorts of types of therapy (EMDR, gentle reprocessing) that get you to look at painful issues in your life/past that you wouldn't normally be able to see just through talk therapy. She is recommending this for him, but he seems to want to just find a generic couples counselor, because again, he admits that his mom has had past trauma, but he thinks she is fine now and the problem is all with me and how I interact with her.
He does know how serious this is - I'm 33 and wanting a family BADLY and he's 41. So, if this doesn't work out, he's already said he knows he wont' have a family and that depresses him. We have talked about separation, more so me being like, it seems tense here and I don't know what's healthiest for both of us - maybe I should leave? which I realize is kind of passive-aggressive, but honestly, I don't know what's best for us at this point. And he doesn't seem to want a separation, but other times, he makes it out like he's thinking about all out divorce... it's very up and down.
You MILS mental health is not breaking up the marriage. You H is breaking up the marriage.
So he wants to go to counseling. Then go. Your DH is not the one with serious issues from childhood, from your post that is your MIL. The fact that your counselor wants to give him a rec and give that person information for conversations is not ok. Find someone to meet with together and see where that leads. This is a marriage issue, you need to figure out how to communicate and what boundaries are needed. You cannot fix your MIL but you can learn how to live with her in your life within certain boundaries.
Baby Boy loved for 15 weeks, 5/31/11
Baby Girl loved for 16.5 weeks. 3/1/12
I'll be blunt.
Run. File for divorce and don't look back.
Having a child is a life game changer. She may be mentally sick or a family hoarder and it is ver sad. But no way in he!! Would I give or want to give up that much time with my child. I see a woman who wants control and she is getting away with controlling her children with her grandchildren. Also this whole "I want/I will/my way or the highway" comments she is declaring will only happen if your H allows it. Think really hard. It seems he won't tell her no and will do whatever she says. When it comes to your child are you willing to be replaced by her?
I will ask you, do you think the idea of her watching your child once a week every week was your Hs idea? Do you think he really came up with that on his own? I think his mother told him that will happen and the way it will be and then he told you. So, welcome to the rest of your life and the way you will raise your children.
If he is picking her over you then that is a good enough reason. Her manipulative and crazy ways are normal to him. The last thing you need to do is have a child with him. You'd wind up miserable and/or divorced and she would take over on his parenting days.
btw regardless of how manipulative she is there is NO situation she can set up to nudge you out of your child's life. Your H is the problem, if he set boundaries you would not be living in this fear.
When do you spend time by yourselves, together? Despite all of her issues (plus you need to realize you can't fix them) it is unhealthy in general for a couple to never have free time alone. Maybe approach it from that angle instead. Ie I need quality time with you and my future kid, therefore we can only spend at maximum one weekend per month with your family. That is more than sufficient for your average grown up independent adult son to spend with his parents in my opinion.
it sounds like your MIL and DH have codependency issues, which I have no answer for. Good luck.
Okay thanks for all the responses! Yes, I'm seeing now it's a DuH issue, as well as MIL, but mainly at this point DuH. Sorry I've been off line for awhile, things hit the fan and it's been a rough few weeks.
At this point, we've been separated for the past month. DuH has agreed to go to counseling and is also reading MIL/DIL books (crazy since he's neither a MIL nor a DIL). I've expressed my concern in counseling that he is reading these books to solidfy his own position (the books are all written by MILs and heavily biased, go figure...).
So far, we're about two sessions in so not much progress, except that the counselor seems to see all the red flags here with MIL. The counselor's model is to have us speak directly to each other and then he will jump in when he sees that comments are becoming attacking/defensive, etc. So far so good, counselor is picking up on DuH continually defending his mother and keeps telling him that he needs to support me.
This does not seem to be sitting well with DuH. I think he's finally starting to get that he can't continue this weird almost married like relationship he has with mommy and be married to me. It seems very uncomfortable for him, so I'm not sure if change an even happen. We'll see. Thank you all again for your advice!