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Husband's drunken one night stand...
Last night I went to bed and to my surprise, I found my husband's phone on my side of the bed. I decided to check it. To my surprise I found a few text messages from one of his coworkers. She "couldn't wait to see him after work" and my husband responded with "Getting appliances tonight. Sorry hunny." I immediately woke him and demanded an answer.
I got my answer alright... The reason why he was going to go over to her place was because SHE IS PREGNANT!
It started on New Year's Eve when he went out. I stayed in because I had to work the next morning and had to take care of our 14 month old. Well... they got "too" drunk and had sex...twice. He didn't want to tell me in fear of me leaving him.
So now we are almost done with March and I am being told that I am going to be a stepmom to my husband's love child! It took everything in me to not punch him. I just do not understand.
My husband and his coworker went to the doctor's today to see when the baby is due. Right around the time when our son turns 2.
Here's some background info... After my husband and I got back from Vegas (where we just got married on 12/12/12), he was told, from higher management, that there were rumors floating around that him (3rd shift manager) and one of his staff were having relations. He denied it. He came home and told me what was up and denied it as well. So he was being forced to take a $10,000 pay cut, per year, to be relocated on days as a normal stocker. And I thought that was a blow to the face!
Now, back to the present... I am completely devastated. I was only married for not even 3 weeks when he cheated; now 3 months into our marriage I am being told I am going to be a stepmom.
I am completely torn. I don't know what to do. Do I leave him? Stay? What about this child? The mother wants it. Which means, more than likely, so will my husband. I don't want this child. I know I am being completely selfish and I know that this child didn't ask to be in this situation. I just want my family back.
What do I do? I need help. Thanks!
Re: Husband's drunken one night stand...
You leave him.
As I said, this is fraud on his part. It is adultery also.
That is grounds for a civil anullment in a court of law.
What to do also:
Safeguard your assets --- put your money where your H cannot get it. Change bank account numbers; put the money into new accounts. Safeguard any non cash assets you have, also.
See an attorney; tell him what happened. He will tell you this is fraud on your H's part.
When all is ready, do what you need to do to annull this sham of a marriage.
Get child support issues straightened out -- the child support that he will owe you.
Do not stay with him or stay married to him.
You might also want to run a credit report on yourself and on him; Christ only knows what else he has been up to money wise with some other broad in the picture.
What a jerkoff -- he threw away his marriage, his job, his good name, his integrity, any respect you had for him is thrown away also and he's put his pecker where it NEVER belonged.
You are well rid of this bum when you show him the door. Don't even tell him you're annulling; let it come as a big surprise to him.
What a sheer lack of respect for you and your marriage vows. And I don't mean to throw more wood on the fire but that there is already your son in the picture is going to make leaving this bum all the more difficult.
If there was no child in the picture that is yours and his, you simply could have packed up when he was at work and gotten yourself out of there and gone home to your parents or someplace else where you are loved and wanted. You're now tied to him child-wise until your son is 18 years of age.:(
Don't let the fact that you have a child with him tie you to this bum's sorry .
There is no sense in staying married to him: not only is it a "he is not into you" who the hell wants to be a fifth wheel!
He has also wasted YOUR time by marrying YOU!
Marriage is build on respect and trust -- respect and trust for you by him and vice versa. I see no respect and trust for him at all -- and he respects you not, since there is another woman in the picture --- there has been one in the picture for months, is what I guarantee you. This was no out of the blue, spur of the moment "threesome" with him, her and booze; this affair with her has been ongoing.
What positively slays me and sickens me is that he announced to you "you're going to be a stepmom" --- the translation of that little announcement to you is "I knocked up another broad. She is having the baby. She's got 100% support from me. And you'd better accept it; tough sh!t."
He's a pig. He is indeed lucky you didn't wipe the streets with him and lambaste him right there and then. Bastard.
Good luck.
if that happened to me his bags would be packed and sitting outside for him and the locks would be changed.
Cheating alone would be a deal breaker....a baby on the way is icing on the cake.
If this isn't MUD,
www.survivinginfidelity.com
Consult a lawyer. Today. In fact, I would consult three of the best lawyers in the area - that way your husband can't use them.
I would want to double check the salary decrease. I would wonder if he didn't perhaps start socking the money away or start giving it to his mistress.
There is nothing to save here. This man is unworthy of a single tear from you.
Assuming this is real, get an annulment. Your husband is scum. He was clearly having an affair, got penalized at work b/c of rumors, will now get fired b/c there will be proof of these rumors and to top it off expects you to be okay with his affair/other family.
If you do believe his drunken one night stand excuse, think about the future if you don't get rid of him. You will never trust him. Every time he goes to an appointment you'll wonder what they are doing. When he is picking up his kid, you'll wonder. Your own children will be able to do the math and realize that their father is a cheating scumbag. Your husband will continue to cheat and have more children with this person and you will not be able to hid this from anyone.
Baby Boy loved for 15 weeks, 5/31/11
Baby Girl loved for 16.5 weeks. 3/1/12
With this information, I don't see how you could possibly continue deluding yourself that this was a one-night stand. He got demoted for his affair before New Year's Eve, and there's no way a guy who cheats on his wife three weeks into their marriage while she's at home taking care of their child is a decent person who just made a one-time mistake. You have to operate on the assumption that he was cheating before your were married.
I don't know how you could possibly trust anything he tells you at this point. You have a mountain of evidence that he's a liar right in front of your face. He doesn't care about you or your child- not more than he cares about his penis, anyway. Please get some respect for yourself and leave him.
Yep. It is not that likely that he got her pregnant from one night. Of course it happens, but the odds are against it. But that doesn't even matter. He cheated. He hid it and a BABY on the way from you for a long time. He just expects you to be ok with it and his excuse that he was drunk. Not in this lifetime buddy.
Oh and I would ask about this demotion. He could have a secret account to squirrel money away for his new side family.
Oh and I would ask about this demotion. He could have a secret account to squirrel money away for his new side family.
This exactly.
And if you really want more details about that demotion -- likely he lied about it and only gave you partial news or erroneous details and not the whole story with the real facts --- call his workplace from some cell phone or even a booth, ask to speak to his boss and act like you're conducting a background check on him; say that he applied for a job in your company and you're checking up on his employment record.
I am sure there is more to the picture than just a demotion. As I said, companies are funky about things like affairs and sexual harrassment --- I wonder if his little drunken friend got demoted or fired as a result.
Run a credit check on yourself and on him. He indeed might be forking money over to her to help fund his new family.
Disgusting and disgraceful. I'm surprised you didn't go ballistic or beserk when he gave you his news. Awful, just awful.
And when you anull this sham of a marriage you still will not be a step parent.
He's got that all screwed up too, just like his marriage priorities.
I'm sorry.
You aren't being asked to be a step parent to his love child. You are being TOLD.
He is also feeding you a bunch of BS and telling you lies and half truths.
Get a lawyer and get a divorce not an annulment if it helps you better financially which a lawyer will advise you on.
You are reacting normally to not wanting to parent a child that will remind you of his affair. The thought of being in this situation myself makes me want to vomit. Just the fact of him having a child with her would be the end for me. I would never be able to move on with a constant reminder in my house, life and face. Does this make me a bad person? Maybe. I've also never said I was a saint and I know what I could or could not handle.
Seriously, I would throw his crap in the front yard and have a bonfire. What a creep.
After you got over the shock of hearing what the deal was, what did you say to his, yep, ORDERING you that you were going to be a stepparent???
And yeah, ordered you.
The message atatched to that is "NON NEGOTIABLE. And my love goddess STAYS, whether you like it or not."
There is no way back on this and no way forward. The marriage is over.
See a counselor -- you've been hit by a ton of sh!tbricks. Better get this out of your system now.
I agree, please seek help from family, friends, church, therapy. Do not stay with him, a 1 night stand? Sounds like they're in a relationship. He was going to keep lying to you had you not read the text, he doesn't love you, take your child and leave.
I am sure you'll be in shock for a long time --- but you have to do what you have to do.
A clergyperson is a great idea --- speak to your priest, your minister, your rabbi, your pastor -- whatever one applies (and even if you are not spiritual or religious, pick one of any denomination. There's only one Maker; just about any clergyperson will be of great aid)
Scrape together all the clues you can find -- run a credit report on you and on him, as I suggested earlier on. Have a good look at the credit card statements; if you see an unusual or unfamiliar charge, don't hesitate to call the number and ask what type of service that company renders.
Have a good look at your funds, also --- you think this jerk is getting off with NOT supporting his creepy gf? Maybe the $10,000 pay cut is a lie and that money is going to HER!!!
Have a look at the direct deposit statements. See how much money that jerk is really bringing home a week. The bank should be able to give you any information you need.
I don't mean to be a bearer of bad news but wow, you have to consider every possibility.
I also think that calling his boss and posing as a potential employer, looking for a background check on your H is a good idea; find out what happened there. He may be lying through his teeth about the demotion and cut in pay. Maybe there is no demotion and he's hiding the $10,000 with an excuse that he took a cut in pay.
I can't even begin to comprehend how there could be any other reaction to "I knocked up my co-worker before the ink dried on our marriage certificate, and you're going to be this kid's step-mom while I step up and do right by my mistress" than to throw all of his crap on the front lawn, and light it on fire on your way out the door to go lawyer up for the divorce that was about to go down.
Seriously. This is a no-brainer. DTMFA.
I'm more than willing to start validating people's ideas when they start having ideas worth validating
That's another cute little issue: By rights and because it's class and it's responsibility, he is to pay his stbx wife child support and visit their son on a consistent and expected basis.
I can hardly wait to see what he does when this issue comes up --- if he forsakes his son for the child he's got with this little floozy he's seeing, wow...just wow.
::still looking for my jaw I lost on the floor::
Is this real life? Regardless if it is or not, leave the sorry SOB. I think Tarpon has given you great solid advice. You need to take the initiative and act on it.
Cheating, a one night stand, casual flirting, 'mistakes'..normally can be worked though... sweetheart..he was leading an ENTIRE DOUBLE LIFE BEHIND YOUR BACK...and now that its in the open.. he wants YOU to step up and be a step mom to his responsibility?
YOU PACK YOUR UP AND LEAVE HIS .
Do you think something like this, later in life, explained to your child..if you stayed..how ashamed and disappointed would he be in you? More importantly, how about in yourself? That you should take the courage to say no, you won't live with someone dishonest. You don't deserve that at all. I'm sorry...if my husband ever did that to me, I don't care if I had to live in my car or my grandparents, I would take my child and myself far from the situation. If you stay there, what does that teach your kid about love? That its okay to cheat on women, live two lives and sleep with whoever they want...even if they promise someone commitment? Please be a strong woman in this and leave, not just for you and your future sanity, but for your child to teach him something important, that love is sacrifice, not selfishness.
RUN don't walk away from this pig.
Also, get tested.
She called him Honey. And couldn't wait to see him... months later...
Does that sound like a one night stand to you?
Get out now. Def get consultations from all the best lawyers in your area so he can't use them. And run right NOW to put in your request for child support for the baby you have with him.
So many support groups out there. It's a big change- one HEALTHY step at a time, please. For your mental health and the future of your child.