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Marriage changing a relationship
My H and I will have been married exactly 9 months this Saturday. 9 months does not seem like a long time to me but the way things have changed, you'd think we have been married 9 years!
DH got a new job days before our wedding and he works odd hours. I attributed his crazy work schedule to the fact that we now only have sex about once a week. I've accepted that. Fine. But now I just feel like he does not put in the effort like he did when we were dating. I know this is not unusual but it makes me feel like those affectionate, sweet days are gone and we haven't even been married that long! There was a time that we'd get in bed in the evening, watch tv, cuddle, all night. No more. He used to be more flirtatious/touchy. When he sensed something was bothering me, he'd make sure to get it out in the open. Now it seems like he doesn't care to talk about it. I'm starting to feel less attractive but tell myself I'm being silly. There are no real problems in our marriage (in fact, I still LOVE being married and I do have fun with him) but I'm just surprised by how things have changed so quickly. I mean not even a year ago, we were just dating. Anyone else feel this way?
Re: Marriage changing a relationship
See- this isn't about being MARRIED. He had a huge change at the same time - a new job w/ weird hours. That is probably more the driving force behind his changes than the fact that you're married.
You'll never find a resolution to this if you don't deal w/ the actual issue.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
Take charge! If you want to hit the sheets and watch TV with him, grab some DVDs of your favorite show and turn Saturday morning in to "date night." Get up before him and bring breakfast in bed, pop in a show, and cuddle up.
Different schedules may be stressing him out, or he may be stuck in a rut. (My husband doesn't even notice when he's in a rut -- he just gets comfortable there and goes on autopilot.) If you don't like how things have changed, you can take the lead for your happiness. Just be a little more creative and don't try doing something when you know he's tired from the odd hours he's been working.
Good Luck.
The best thing to do about this is be open and honest. Have a heart-to-heart discussion with him and allow yourself to be completely vulnerable.
Start off with, "Do you still find em attractive?"
He'll say, "Of course I do, why do you ask that?!?"
And from there you can honestly explain all of the little things you miss that the two of you used to be able to do together, and that you really feel like it's important to work on your relationship more.
Working on a relationship doesn't end at marriage. It's a never-ending, breathing entity that needs to be prioritized for the important thing that it is.
"A women who can kneel before the Lord can stand up to anything"
I doubt if the marriage has changed your relationship. He got a new job right before the wedding and he has a crazy schedule? That's probably what's caused the changes in him.
Just talk to him about how you're feeling. Be honest, ask for what you want. You sound reasonable (i.e. you're not super pissed at him) so I doubt if I need to say this but - go easy on him. He's under external pressure so don't give him a hard time.
External factors will continue to have an impact on your marriage for its duration. Use this situation as an opportunity to grow and strengthen your relationship so those stressors are easier to combat in the future.
Good luck!
took the words right out of my mouth! This is the time to get the communication in your marriage off on the right foot.
So for the entire time you have been together, when something was bothering YOU, your SO/FI/DH made sure to get it out in the open...but you cannot seem to do the same thing for HIM?
Seriously? You have not given him the same courtesy?
Yep. All of this. Marriage can be an adjustment. New work schedules are definitely an adjustment. TTC is huge. Pick one at a time and talk about them. See if he's feeling like you are.
I have to agree with this because this part of your post really stood out to me. Remember he's not a mind reader and pouting / giving him the silent treatment or whatever you are doing in order to get him to fall over himself asking what is wrong, isn't fair of you and is honestly manipulative. So stop it. If there is something bothering you, calmly talk about it and don't wait for him to " get it out of you."
I had a very similar experience to you: at the time we got married my husband was a mature student and struggling with his university work, a month or two later he dropped out and was unemployed for a while before finding a shift work job with strange hours. Our sex life tanked, we were struggling with money, our new routine meant we couldn't agree about who was supposed to be doing what chores when and we argued constantly as our house descended into chaos. By the time I'd been married 9 months I was so frightened that married life would always be like that I was mentally steeling myself for divorce.
Things worked themselves out. We settled in. By the time we got to our first anniversary I was more in love than I have ever been in my life and it keeps getting better. Our second year has been so much smoother, my experience was definitely that the first year is the hardest.
Before I got married I had prepared myself for the fact that there would be rough patches in our lives and times when we didn't feel as close, but when we had one so soon after our wedding I panicked. If we had those same 9 months now I would cope so much better because I'm secure now as a married woman and I would put the blame in the right place, on the change of job and not on change of marital status.
It's hard when you have bad luck at the very start of your marriage but I'm sure this will work out for you. As long as the love is still there it sounds like this is just a bad period you are going through that will pass. When you were old you will look back and wonder why you made so much fuss about a few bad months - they only seem important now because you are just starting out.
I hope things are better for you soon.