DH doesn't want kids

worldtraveler815

For background, DH and I have been married for 9 years and I was 23 when we got married and he was 27. We discussed kids during our engagement and both agreed that we would only have 1. We even talked about ideal names for the child and how our child would probably think we were dorks for marrying our high school sweethearts. The only thing we didn't talk about was when to have kids and early on in our marriage, I never brought it up.

Fast forward to 2 or 3 years ago, DH asks me when we're at dinner that "since we're not having kids, who are going we going to leave our money/inheritance to?" and when others ask us about kids/future plans, he tells them that we have our cats. He never asked me if I had changed my mind about having children. I did make some grumbling remarks about how annoying it is that I had to cover for several women on my team, who each took a 6-8 month maternity leave, without any additional help. I would occasionally remark on how annoying some people's kids are but I never once said no kids. I sat there stunned, but I didn't say anything since I didn't want to cause issues in our marriage and I thought that perhaps having a child is something I can live without.

 Fast forward to today and I know that I want to have one child. I think of my life without a child and get sad and it's to the point where I cry whenever a friend or coworker announces her pregnancy. I'm also starting to resent my husband and I get grumpy with him and he doesn't even realize why.

 I know I need to have a serious discussion with him but I'll admit that I'm scared. I'm afraid of rejection and that he'll say he's never changing my mind and then I'll have to make a hard decision between leaving him or staying and never having children. I do feel like it's unfair that he changed his mind without ever discussing with me. I'm 31 and turning 32 so I feel like this can't drag on forever. Any suggestions on how to bring this up with him?

tiffanysbride

I have to wonder why you have not talked about this before. Your DH may want kids but be concerned that you do not, he could think he is taking pressure off of you. The comments about pets are normal, heck I said it prior to DS b/c I didn't want to tal

Golden42

It sounds like you did everything right at first, because you talked about kids and agreed before you got married. I don't even really blame you for not really talking about it for a couple of years afterwards, since you were young and not ready. But I go

TarponMonoxide

Horse is out of the barn but when you were engaged, all of this should have been discussed and the solution should have been one satisfactory to you both.

It is very possible he has changed his mind about having kids.

Indeed talk to him. And

Greco1014

Golden42:

It sounds like you did everything right at first, because you talked about kids and agreed before you got married. I don

EastCoastBride

Greco1014:

Keeping quiet about serious issues because you don't want to cause trouble in your marriage is a recipe for disaster. I

doglove

EastCoastBride:

Greco1014:<

Mrs.H.

if you are scared to discuss this with him, it doesnt sound like your marriage is on rock solid ground!

You should be able to speak with him about ANYTHING.

Manther1222

Not having big conversations leads to many more problems than keeping silent. 

nurse714

Why are you scared to talk to your husband? Married 9 years and you're scared to talk to him? Sounds wierd.

You're mad at him and he has no clue what's going on. That's not fair. Go talk to your husband and tell him how you're feeling. Today.&nbs

artbyallie

Do you even talk to your husband at all, ever, about anything? I can't imagine how YEARS go by without any mention of your plans to have a child. We've been married less than 2 years and discuss our plans practically weekly, even though kids are at least

MJHershey

You need to talk to HIM about this. "I know we mentioned one kid back then,  but it seems as though we are both operating on some assumption that this has changed- can we talk about that?" then say you still want one child but it's important to yo

Disneygeek77

If you can't talk about this with him without "causing problems" then your marriage is not happy and definitely not healthy.

Definitely talk to him about the kind of family you want, but if he doesn't want children, then you have some difficult d

brij2006

You definitely need to bring this up and discuss it with him.  Do not accuse him or get angry. Just bring up the subject, and that you would still like to have a child as discussed before marriage.  He may be thinking that since it has not been

BulgariHeart

I'm also kinda shocked that you let this slide for years.... how does that even happen in a healthy marriage? My H and I talk about our daily, weekly, monthly plans all the way down to goals we'd like to work towards or have attained in 1, 3, 5 years f

RamonaFlowers

Ditto PP: how have you not said anything to him about this in years?!?!?!

Before we got married, DH and I decided that we'd start having kids when the time "felt right" to us. We've been married for longer than you've been keeping your mou

Cab428

I'm really sorry that you're going through this.  My husband and I talked about kids before we got married and even for a while after, but then one day he just changed his mind and it took me months to work up the courage to bring it up because I kne

tiffanysbride

Any update? Did you talk with him?