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Please Help-I'm Not "Sexy" At All! :-(
Hello Nesties:
I really need help to save the sexual part of my marriage.
Here's some background: I've been married a little over 18 months, to a great man who I feel is the best thing to ever happen to me-I truly feel he is perfect for me. He accepts me without complaint, but lately he's been frustrated with our sex life. If I'm not busy with homework (I'm taking a few pre-reqs to get into pharmacy school, which is another 4 years), tired from work and my hour-long commute, stressed or concerned about homework, grades, and tests, or worried about my health (I have Hodgkins lymphoma that is in remission, but I find out in a couple of weeks if it still is), I just don't...want to, and I don't know why. Well, actually, part of the reason is because I'm on Nuvaring, and I hardly have the desire to have sex. The other reason is that I just don't feel sexy. I don't know how to be sexy-I'm just an not-very-thin nerd that doesn't even know how to dance. :-(. I'm not very sexually experienced either.
I am very attracted to my husband, and he is a wonderful lover, and he deserves a healthy sex life. I want a healthy one too, but I just don't know what to do. I'm so afraid that some sexy woman that knows "all the right moves" is going to come along and sweep my wonderful, attractive, sweet husband off his feet and away from me. :'-(. And it would be my fault if I don't do SOMETHING.
So, to make this easier to answer, I'll number my questions:
1. Should I see a sex therapist?
2. What can I do to feel/be more sexy towards my husband?
3. What can I do to initiate sex (so he won't be the only one doing the asking all of the time)?
4. How can I clear my mind and relax, and focus on intimacy with my husband?
I don't have any real friends that I can discuss this with, and no one in my family is married. I really want to make my marriage work! Thanks for any suggestions you are willing to share, even if you can only answer some of the questions I listed.
Re: Please Help-I'm Not "Sexy" At All! :-(
"You know you're in love when you don't want to fall asleep because reality is finally better than your dreams." - Dr. Seuss1) Come off the Nuvaring.
2) Buy a good sex manual and read it carefully.
3) while on your hour commute think about your husband gently stroking your body all over,...nothing deeply 'intimate', just his hands slowly sliding up your legs and up your back,...massaging your shoulders, ....stroking your face. Think what would be the nicest feeling at each moment.
4) When you are at home tell your husband that you want to try to make love to him,...he is NOT to touch you or laugh or get annoyed. Make it clear to hime that you really WANT to try on your own and that it might not work but you are trying to get the idea of how to do it. Then, get his clothes off and start to caress him however you want to,...learn his body and find out what makes him start to breathe heavy and then groan....use your finger tips in circular movements over his chest and face and then work your way down to his genitals....when you get there ask him how to touch and get him toi show you but don't let him take over or touch you.
5) Another night when you arrive home take a shower and then ask him to "make love to you all over"......tell him you are NOT in the mood but you want to be MADE to be in the mood......then let him do his thing, but DON'T try to respond or reciprocate, just lie there and let him do his stuff......
5) Try to indentify WHY you have no sexual confidence and 'replay' in your mind the things that occured that have given you a bad feel sexually....then, run the 'film' in your miond again and 'SEE' a posititve outcome with successful lovemaking and lots of excitement and pleasure.
Cher back in the day, Gwen Stefani, SJP and Nicole Kidman are skinny, also --- and I think they are some of the most beautiful women ever.
Speak to your doc about other birth control methods that are not hormonal. Try a diaphragm, a condom, NFP, vaginal suppositories, foam or film --- there's also an IUD. None involve hormones.
Have you ever masturbated?
If not, start now. No better way than to feel sexy and get yourself all psyched up for sex.:)
You can jump into the shower when he is in there, or invite him in -- and from there, let nature take its course.:)
A nice hot bath for 2 will work, also. Nice way to spend some quality time together.:) Include some music, some wine and some munchies.:)
You might try fun role playing, if you don't mind acting a little bit. You might try having him meet you at a corner bar and you "pick him up."
-Sex life goes down in times of stress. If you have anxiety issues(although you seem to be carrying quite a lot on your shoulders, so your anxiety seems justified), a therapist can help.
-Find a bc that suits you. Being turned on is sort of integral! Also remember that going for a while without sex makes you want sex less. This also means that after switching, you need to have some sex for the sake of having sex(this does not mean "shut your eyes and let him do his thing").
-I didn't know how to dance either, and that has never been a problem. Neither has being a nerd-which, btw, many nerdy men tend to find very attractive.
-It sounds like you have "worth" and image problems. This probably affects more than your sex life, and I would really recommend dealing seeing a therapist.
-Your husband married YOU because he found YOU to be the most attractive woman he knew. Yes, people do want sex-and he wanted to have sex with only you, for the rest of his life. He did have a choice to hold out for a "right moves" girl!
Summer is coming. To me there is nothing sexier than those tank tops, worn in layers.:) YOu can get them for cheap; everybody's wearing them and they're fun and funky.
What you need is a bit of imagination. Think, what does your favorite movie star did, on that movie you liked so much!
Wine and Champagne have always been associated with romance. Both are a good choice when you are setting the mood for some extra passion. A Sexy Hotel Room can do the trick.
Relax and let things fall in to place by themselves.
First, I'm going to suggest that this may have nothing to do with your bc. This post screams insecurity issues. Sure some people do have legitimate problems adjusting to bc but i think your own anxiety is what is holding you back.
Your husband CHOSE YOU, married YOU! And I'm guessing he didn't miraculously become an amazing lover once you were married. He obviously doesn't mind that you aren't overly experienced, he still wanted YOU! It sounds like you have a wonderful husband, tell him you want to explore with him and be more into sex for him! I'm sure he'd appreciate knowing this! Work together as a team to overcome your fears.
Good luck.
I just wanted to tell you that you're not alone.
I've been married for a little over 2.5 years. Most of the time I've been in school doing pre-Rees for surgical technology and am now in my Clinicals. I also work full time as well. I do try to focus on my health as I'm trying to lose weight while being stressed.
Our sex life, well, I consider it almost non- existent.
Stress does horrible things to our bodies. By finding a way to relieve stress, it'll help you! Sex is a great option as a stress reducer! I do try to tell my husband about how I will need it more next semester. Not only will it help me reduce my stress but it'll be time we have together.
Stay positive. You have a lot going on right now.