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not putting out enough apparently...
My hubby and I have been together nearly 6 years, married for 2. We got together our first year of college, and have been inseparable ever since.
During the first few years of our relationship, we had sex almost daily. Over the last 2-3 years, it has slowed down to about 2-3 days per week (just depending on our busy schedules) and DH is furious over this. It has put a strain on our relationship for at least a year. He constantly picks fights with me over our lack of sex we have.
He says he wants, or needs actually, sex daily... I work full time, exercise daily, then come home clean the house, cook dinner, do laundry ect. Then I am expected by DH, to put out. Don't get me wrong, I do like to have sex; though not nearly as often as DH (i would be happy with 1-2 days per week in case anyone is wondering lol) When I tell him no, or go right to sleep, he gets pouty, and whiny... and accuses me of no longer loving him or being attracted to him.
To be honest, his behavior almost makes me resent him; and makes me not want to have sex with him at all. At this moment in time (in my more than irritated mood), I would be fine not having sex with him ever again. I feel annoyed even thinking about it. I feel like all he wants from me is sex; like I am being used. He works full time as well, but usually comes home and plays video games, or goes shooting with his buddies. I appreciate the hard work he puts in, but I feel like he expects me to be this perfect working, cleaning, laundry doing, sex goddess wife, while he sits around and wants to be pampered. I cant do it all!
I have tried and explain this all to him. On multiple occasions. He is the type of person who shuts down and becomes completely defensive; he will not open up and talk to me about it in a calm manner whatsoever. I have brought up marriage counseling but he is extremely hesitant to this (not to mention I am not sure we could afford it right now).
I am basically at a loss! Talking to friends I feel like having sex 2-3 times per week is great. Just not great enough for him. I do not understand why he is so hung up on this one issue that I truly feel is causing demise in our once very happy marriage. I feel like if I force myself to have sex with him daily, I will just resent him even more.
We bicker every once in awhile over the stupidest things, like him not helping me with house work, or not cleaning up after himself, but we usually get passed that fairly quick. This one issue is tearing us apart though. I know I still love him. And occasionally I remember what our relationship was like before all of this tension and I miss it. I just want to go back to what we used to be, but I am really loosing hope. I feel so distanced from him. I want to go back to being best friends, but I dont know how.
Am I being totally unfair? Any advice?
Re: not putting out enough apparently...
Unfair? No, you're not being unfair. Unfortunately you married a caveman who contributes zero to the household work and treats his wife like a blow up doll.
I kinda want to punch him for telling you he NEEDS to have sex everyday and that you don't love him if you don't perform. Aaaaargh! How about he gets his a$$ off the couch and starts acting like a responsible equal partner in this marriage.
Off to counseling you two go. Hopefully someone can illustrate the many ways marriage differs from AI resorts and sex clubs.
Good luck!
First of all, I think many husbands would be jealous of sex 2-3 times a week.
You say you bicker over things that are stupid, such as him not helping with house work or cleaning up after himself. These things are NOT stupid, he is not pulling his weight around the house and that puts an unfair burden on you. That's not sexy!
My mother has this book called "Foreplay for Women" in their guest bathroom, it's photos of sexy men doing housework, asking their wives if they can watch the figure skating on TV with them, etc. It's funny but there is truth there.
Your husband sounds like he has a serious sense of entitlement. Total turn-off!
Your husband would not like my house at all. I had gastroenteritis (score) two weeks ago, finally am back to feeling normal, he's now sick with something and just wants to sleep, and we're in the midst of closing on a house/packing/moving/financial stress. Sex is low on the list of things that need to get done between our two full time jobs.
I feel guilty often, but life gets in the way. We also used to have sex many times a week during college, but we're ten years removed from that time and have many more things going on. I think sex ebbs and flows with life just like anything else. If your husband can't understand that or won't even attempt to understand that, then he's being a total child.
I get that sex is important to a relationship and partners need to compromise. His desire for more sex isn't unfair, his expectation that you'll just make it happen while he does nothing to facilitate (helps with housework, removes some things from your to-do list) is the problem.
The fact that he doesn't help you at all makes me really sad for you.
All of this, but especially the bolded part. If I was working full time, exercising and doing all of the cooking and cleaning to boot, there's no way in hell I'd be up for sex 2-3 times a week ... and if instead of manning up and starting to pitch in when these issues were voiced and just pouting about it, I'd be totally turned off by him, too.
No self-respecting woman wants to sleep with a whiney little brat.
I'm more than willing to start validating people's ideas when they start having ideas worth validating
All of this. I would not be okay with his attitude towards you as his wife. What happens when you have kids? You get to add that to your list while he does nothing?
Baby Boy loved for 15 weeks, 5/31/11
Baby Girl loved for 16.5 weeks. 3/1/12
he is totally selfish.
Perhaps if he starts cooking/cleaning/etc..... you would "put out" more.
personally... "putting out" seems more like an obligation, not something you WANT to do. ANY woman can put out, his wife gives love.
**6.30.12** I have found the one whom my soul loves.
Tell him if he wants more sex, stop whining, start romancing(good luck getting anybody into bed with whining), and take on some of the cooking/cleaning/laundry so that you have energy to even consider it. Tell him it's not a matter of attraction or closeness but a matter of your energy, and his wants and energy are not the only thing that matter in an activity which takes two consensual people.
Tell him it calmly. And make it clear that if he ever wants it to happen, he needs to listen, or you will have no reason to listen to him.
Your husband is terrible and I can't believe you have tolerated this behavior for so long. He doesn't value you as a person, he doesn't respect and admire you. Nope, you are pretty much a maid, a cook and a tool to masterbate with apparently. He doesn't see you as fully human and as a person with your own needs, feelings and soul. Nope, you purpose is to play a supporting role in his life.
I strongly encourage counseling. Marriage counsel preferably, but if not than at least individual counseling for you. You need to gather the tools to stand up for yourself.
I would go on strike and then maybe he would see how good he's got it.
He sounds like an ex of mine, notice I said ex....
PLEASE, take my advice... because this really helped me and I think it might help you guys too!
There is a book called 'The 5 love languages' and it has a quiz that you take which helps you understand what your love language is (how you feel appreciated and cared for.)
It isn't long and it has chapters that explain everything very simply. My guess is that he feels loved most by 'physical touch.'
Mine, for instance, was 'acts of service' ... like when my husband would help do things around the house and randomly clean stuff without me asking.
I am not saying his urges are normal, but I have been in that situation and it helped us figure out how to show eachother love and understand what made the other person feel attractive and appreciated.
Also, dont have sex if you absolutely dont want to (if you dont feel good or are exhausted)... but sometimes, my advice.. just give in. Think about how he feels and how much he is wanting you and try to get yourself in the mood. It cant feel good for anyone to be turned down alot. Just every once in a while, if you have it in you, try to do what you can to make him feel loved. (but he BETTER be stepping up and doing things that make you feel special as well... it goes both ways.)
I am not saying this book doesn't have value but I think most of it is BS. Sorry but I just don't think you can put most people in those boxes. She would also be setting herself up for failure, sex every single day is not typical. She would be giving in a lot more then enjoying sex and then resenting him. Also, I don't know many decent men that are okay having sex with someone that isn't into it. Fake it til you make it has a place when you are in a rut but this is not a rut.
Baby Boy loved for 15 weeks, 5/31/11
Baby Girl loved for 16.5 weeks. 3/1/12
and by you doing all the house work and cleaning up after him constantly you are doing exactly what your mil does!
This would make sense...if she wasn't doing all of the housework and then having to "give in" most days of the week.
Certainly it is a problem which can be worked out at this point. But I don't think this is the solution.
It's unfortunate that men don't seem to take much part in this site, as I believe that a man's feedback on this question would be of paramount help.
Personally, I believe your partner is feeling or experiencing something that he has not identified to you. He isn't just an a-hole or you wouldn't have been in love with him and wanting to marry him in the first place.
In my experience, it's much more common for men to fall short in the area of proper communication. Plenty of research shows that it's in a WOMAN's DNA to talk, but men are not built the same way. My partner is a social butterfly who literally cannot shut his mouth without putting his hands over his face sometimes, but it's still difficult for him to communicate in a forthcoming manner when something is bothering him in our relationship. Nonetheless, you'll have to show him the benefit of sharing what's truly going on with him.
I like the recommendation for you to read up (do your own research online, there's plenty of info available) regarding the different communication styles and needs of men vs women. I've done it (I recommend Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus) and it TRULY helps your understanding of what you're doing that is hurtful and what you can do to be helpful to the success of your relationship. You can't change HIM, so the smartest move is to start with learning about how what YOU do affects him and then use that to influence him in a loving (and stern!) way to get back to where you need him to be- by your side and not breathing down your back.
Best wishes of love and longevity. Keep your head up and never forget your worth... or his
"Personally, I believe your partner is feeling or experiencing something that he has not identified to you."
And, according to her post, won't talk to her about-at this point, it becomes his fault. Yes, he is probably craving closeness, but he won't do anything BUT whine instead of talk..
"Plenty of research shows that it's in a WOMAN's DNA to talk, but men are not built the same way."
A lot of women are culturally trained to be open about their feelings. Some aren't. Many men are and are not culturally trained this way also. It has nothing to with DNA, and everything to do with culture. We start talking about DNA, we start believing that people are innately this way. Heh, rhyme.
"I like the recommendation for you to read up (do your own research online, there's plenty of info available) regarding the different communication styles and needs of men vs women."
See, though, this can be hurtful. What if your partner does not communicate in a stereotypical male/female fashion? My partner and I certainly don't. What's best is to figure out the other person's communication style. I guess if your partner does communicate in a stereotypical style these can be helpful, but there are also different stereotypes.
"You can't change HIM"
But he can change to being more clear. You can meet in the middle.
"so the smartest move is to start with learning about how what YOU do affects him and then use that to influence him in a loving (and stern!) way to get back to where you need him to be- by your side and not breathing down your back."
Well, it does help to communicate in each other's styles. But the burden should not be all on her. I mean, he is a grown person. And I'm not sure how she can affect him in this.
I see that you are new here, Team, so still thank you for sharing your experiences.
Although counseling would be a great option, I understand the bind that may put you in financially. Not only that, but as you said, he is apprehensive. No worries, most men are. Its hard enough to get our men to open up to us, its seems silly to think it would be easier with a stranger.
I don't believe that you are being selfish at all. I'm sure there are several married men that would love to have sex as often as you two are. It appears that his love language is "physical touch". Are you aware of the 5 Love languages? This was a great resource for my relationship. My partner and I found out that he is physical touch and that I am quality time. After understanding this (and my reading the Love languages book cover to cover) we better understood how each of use best received love. Know that physical touch is more than just sex. Its grabbing his hand in public, slapping his bum when he least expects it, kissing his neck while he's busy doing paperwork...it includes the little things. When I started making these small gestures my partner noticed and felt more loved.
This was also the case for me. Being that I am quality time, he took the time to spend more one on one time with me...not in front of the television--but a walk in the park, or painting together. This effort on his part made me fall in love with him again and again thus, increasing my attraction to him.
Make sure he knows that his behavior is making you resent him more rather than making you want to give it up. If talking leads to arguing then try writing him a letter and slipping it into his briefcase (if he uses one) or send him an e-mail. Sometimes allowing a person to process how you feel while they are alone lets them reflect. If you're not present while he reads it then he has no one to lash out at.
Overall, it is important that he knows that you love him regardless of the amount of sex that you have. Emphasize that you need to take care of yourself before you can take care of him. (Ask him to work for it instead of demanding it. You're more prone to want it too if he warms you up when he's in the mood). Sounds like a minute bump in the road. Its great that you've recognized it now and want to fix it before it becomes a serious issue. As most of us know, sex, or lack-thereof is a leading cause in marital issues.
Best wishes!
I do agree with you, but I think its the fact that she isnt giving him ANY... thats making him want it all the more. I think most guys would get burned out on the 'daily' sex eventually. The book doesn't put you in a box, it just helps people figureo ut simple ways to make the other one feel appreciated. Some people think sex is just sex... others feel more connected to their partner physically. I bet she would appreciate help with housework just as much as he appreciates her touching him... Guys are very different than girls in that aspect sometimes.
I agree with you... my ex husband was lazy and wouldnt help me with anything. Therefore I resented him, and stopped wanting to be physical with him. He wanted sex, and I didnt. We were both miserable. I could have waited for him to step up and help me, but I thought maybe I would take a different approach... I started showing him more affection. That helped strengthen our relationship, which prompted him to start helping me around the house more. So for the OP, I feel like they are both wanting things they arent getting. She wants help, he wants sex... so maybe she could try a different approach. Freezing him out probably wont make him want to be helpful. If he is more helpful, she might stop resenting him and be more attracted to him... just speaking from my experience. Everyone's relationship is different...
Withholding sex from your spouse to "fix" a problem is never a good idea. All that does is create another problem.
TTC since September 2012
She says that they are having sex 2-3 times a week, though the fact that he is always initiating is probably affecting his self esteem. He needs to give her a chance to show that she wants him and she needs to show that she does after some stuff is worked out, I agree
I dated a guy like yours once. After 6 months, I realized what he was doing was emotionally abusive. I got out of there fast and he could not for the life of him figure out what had gone wrong. He had me so wrapped up in his mind games that it was the first relationship I got out of that I wondered if I had made the right decision or not. I ended up seeing someone about it and got over it pretty quick after that.
You are not Molly Maid. Your are not Wonderwoman, and this isn't the 50's.
With a newborn in the house, my hubby and I have to schedule our sexlife to a mandatory once a week. If anything happens spontaneously beyond that, we are both lucky.
Your man sounds very self centered. He wants a wife/mother/playboy bunny all wrapped up into one and he needs to realize it's not your job to spread your legs every time he gets an erection.