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Complicated situation: Couple with Age Difference
So H and I have been together for 5 years and just got married this past March. So, on cue the talk about babies has been coming around. We both know that we want kids someday. So that's not the issue. The issue is more of a "when". See I'm in my mid-twenties and he in his mid-forties.
His view: Wants kids by the end of the year so that they'll be 18 and on their own by the time he retires. Is adopted and knows no blood relatives, wants to know what that feels like to have a next of kin. Thinks he's waited long enough for his own family. Has already figured himself out, is stable and ready for a family.
My view: I want kids, but first there are a lot of things I want to do before I have them like a "bucket list", I guess. I know having kids will completely change our life and that it will make it more difficult to do fun "coupley" things. Then again, life doesn't END after kids either, doesn't mean I cannot do those things, it just means it will be more difficult.
I feel like we do not get the luxury like other couples do to enjoy each other and wait 2-4 years to figure out if they want kids or not. And right now, at this point, I really do not see what the draw of children is. Why is it so great?
I don't know what to do. I don't want him to have to wait any longer for kids. The ideal time to have them is now. We're financially stable, he has a great job that will allow me to be a stay at home mom, we have a home and are both healthy. I feel like I may just be self-sabotaging or just focusing on the negative. Or do I have a point? I'm struggling to come up with a happy middle ground. HELP!!
Re: Complicated situation: Couple with Age Difference
Uh... you didn't talk about this BEFORE you got married????
Talk to your H about this. Only you and he can figure it out.
Would it be easier to start a bucket list that has a timeline of a year? This way you can focus on accomplishing most/all of the more important items WHILE still planning a family.
Talking is important, inform your husband of your true feelings and expect him to do the same. If possible there may be a possibility for a compromise that will work for you all.
I honestly can't get over the fact you never discussed a timeline with your H re: children ESPECIALLY with your age difference. H and I are practically the same age and we discussed a timeline. Did your conversation consist of "One day, do you want kids?" "Yep!" "Ok, let's go run errands now"? Seriously. Blows.my.mind.
Anyway...
Talk to him now. With your age difference, you need to understand where he is coming from but he also, and just as important, needs to see where you're coming from. If he is being selfish and only thinking of how this will affect HIS life and not how it will affect your life, he's not in the right mindset. He needs to think about where he was at the age you are; how he felt and what his thoughts on kids were.
Be an advocate for yourself here. If you have kids without being ready (due to bucket list, age, just wanting to have a marriage without kids for a while) you're going to end up resenting him and/or the kid(s).
Do couple-y things first to strengthen your relationship/marriage before working on making babies. Have you discussed how many children you would like? Obviously your time frame is limited due to his age, but don't feel rushed. You could also consider adoption.
I think this is the primary issue with big age differences in spouses. You are in different stages and just have to work together to overcome this. My husband is only 2 years older than me and is ready for kids while I want to wait a bit.
I think the first issue is you have to agree rather the two of you are going to have kids. It sounds like this is a very important thing to him but far less important to you. He wants to feel what it is like to have kin, you wonder what the draw for kids even is. That is pretty opposite in my book.
The other issue is to be realistic about life expectancy. I don't like mentioning this because a lot of people get upset about it... but it is just reality. The average american man will get 76 years. Many get more years but many get less. My dad lived to be 55 so things sometimes just happen that you can't plan for. If he is 45 now and the two of you decide that you definitely want a child then I would do it as soon as possible. There are a lot of reasons for this ...is a lot of research which suggests children born to older men have far more genetic issues. You can read about that here http://healthland.time.com/2013/04/11/too-old-to-be-a-dad/. Also any time that you wait now is time you can't tag on at the latter end. It is time your husband will want to spend with his child.
This is all just a seriously personal decision the two of you have to figure out together. I don't think this board can help too much! Best of luck!