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profile on a cheating website
I am writing this post as an AE since I am too embarrassed to write under my normal sn
Thank you in advance for any advice - I don't normally post on this board
My discovery started because I have been having some trust issues related to MH and money. He had some charges on a Home Depot card that showed up on a credit check (we are applying for a house). He swore they were inaccurately reported so we challenged them through the credit companies. This is why I was poking in his email.....
I see in one of his folders titled "random" 3 emails from cheatingwives.com from Jan 2013. Normally I would see this type of stuff and think it was junk but it had been moved to a new folder and read by him so my alerts went off. In the email there was a login and password so I went to the site. I could tell that the profile on the site was created by him. The site states that all activity is deleted w/in 30 days and it didn't look like he had used it in the past 30 days. But the emails were from January so anything that might've existed in January would all be deleted by now.
I immediately confronted him and he said that the profile was created by him one night when he was looking for porn and hoping to find something on that website. We argued all night with him desperately apologizing and saying it was just a stupid nothing.
I have never suspected him of cheating but and my gut tells me to believe him when he says it is nothing but my head is telling me that that is really dumb - the proof was right there in front of my face. After he fell asleep I searched through his entire iphone and computer and didn't find anything else suspicious.
This morning he called me from work and says he feels like he can't function with the thought that I might think he cheated. I told him that I just wanted him to tell me the truth about everything and what else is he lying about? He says nothing. So I again asked him about the Home Depot charges and he admitted that it wasn't inaccurate reporting - he says that he purchased some things on the card for his employer (he is in construction) and then spent the reimbursement instead of paying off the card. He finally paid the card late, hence it showing up on the credit report. So I'm furious - because in the span of 2 minutes he insists there are no more secrets and I then confront him on something else he's lying about (I set it up that way on purpose). I told him that he needs to think about the subject longer and come clean with everything he's been keeping secret if he even wants a chance for our marriage to last.
So, maybe I'll have more updates to this post - but I'm wondering what thoughts everyone has
To be honest I love him and I don't want to end our marriage. I just don't know what to do
Re: profile on a cheating website
You already cannot trust him due to the purchase issue. So you have had a problem trusting him for quite some time; that's one strike against him.
The bottom line --- he's got no business signing up on any type of website where questionable behavior takes place.
Millions of actual porn sites on the internet, and he signs up for a cheating website in order to get porn? Uh huh.
You already can't trust the guy financially, and now you can't trust him to be faithful, either. Time to try some of the other billions of men in the world.
I call shenanigans on creating an account on a cheating website "just looking for some porn". Any 12-year-old boy with an Internet connection can tell you that there is an abundance of free porn out there that doesn't require any type of site membership to access.
I'm more than willing to start validating people's ideas when they start having ideas worth validating
Exactly what I was thinking.
Baby Boy loved for 15 weeks, 5/31/11
Baby Girl loved for 16.5 weeks. 3/1/12
This. There are lots of free porn sites, and of the ones that do require membership, he chooses a cheating site? Really?? Maybe he didn't physically cheat on you, but there was a reason he was there be it a fantasy or looking for something more tangible. GL with getting more info from him, sorry you are going through this.
I agree with all of this. At best (by his account) it was a fleeting curiosity that he went with but didn't actually do anything. Which even that is an issue with me because I would never dream of something like that. That alone + the lying is a huge betrayal to me. My thought is worst case scenario he engaged in on-line cheating. But he is clearly lying so there could even be worse case scenarios that I'm not aware of.
I wish it was easy to move on to one of the other millions of men out there. I hate that he did this. I don't know how I can trust him. I feel pretty miserable
Well, better for you to get out now while your son is still young because do you really want him to grow up and see his mother essentially being treated like a doormat? Or to think that this is an acceptable way to treat a woman? By lying and cheating? If you do decide to leave, just take a break for a while from dating...it will be hard, but you will come out much stronger in the end.
Sorry you are going through this
I agree with the PPs.
How much $ are we talking about? And what did he spend it on?
I am thinking maybe the two are connected and he spent it on getting some on the side.
When you've been married this long, you need a ticker to remind you.
Baby Boy M - 08/01/2013
He probably spent the money on the women he is picking up.
He is a lying liar.
So sorry.
I hate to see you get saddled with 2 infants. Because he sure is acting like a baby.
Srsly, he needs to grow up and stop the single-days stuff.:(
Look, he SAVED sign up info for a website that promotes cheating on spouses. I sign up everyday for crap websites but I don't save the password or the login. I don't care enough to move the confirmation email. He did.
He may not know why he did it, he may not even have used the service. But he SAVED the access so he could go back.
I would look at a future as a single parent without him. Sorry.
And you'll be walking on eggs in the meanwhile, wondering what else he is up to.
Sorry for your troubles.
I'm replying to this, hoping to be able to help, because I've been through something very similar with my husband.
We've been married just under 3 years, and I found out almost a year ago that this type of behavior has been going on in an on-and-off way since before we were married. My husband had created alternative e-mail addresses and e-mailed "craigslist girls" and I found out he had once registered on one of those websites, too.
I don't know why I felt this way, but I just felt it in my heart when he told me he had never touched another woman since we had been together, that it was true. However, that being said, it's not okay. Finally, after weeks of fighting and hurt feelings turned into months and me discovering more things I hadn't seen yet turned into him staying at his parent's house (yes, he told them) we finally started really talking.
For him, it turned out to be an addictive behavior. He'd had problems with pornography since he was in high school, but he never really wanted me to know, and the type of behavior he had been having since we got married was on-and-off since then, too, but he had never confided that to me before.
Eventually, I let him come home, and we started talking again, but only on the condition that he start going to counseling, which he did, and after he had a few solo counseling sessions, we started going together.
It's been about 8 months now since everything exploded and was revealed, and I won't lie and tell you it completely goes away, sometimes I still panic or cry, and I'll occasionally take a glance through his phone or e-mail (which we agreed I could anytime I wanted to). We got rid of his computer, and mine has a password on it which, if he wants to use it, I have to enter. I feel better now than I have in months, but I don't think we ever would have reconciled if he hadn't admitted from the first instant I found anything that he had done something wrong, was entirely to blame, and needed help.
I don't want to say that he is or is not physically cheating, but trust your own feelings, and tell him what you need from him if what you want is to heal. Don't let him play it off or try to mitigate it because, in my opinion at least, it IS cheating, whether he ever touched another woman or not, and there is no way to justify that. Wrong is wrong, and he was WRONG.
Yes, lots of freebies around. Why is there a need to sign up on a cheating website?
Blah, how do you know this in your HEART? Really?
Wow, I'm so sorry you're going through this, especially with a little one. I agree with PPs though about signing up for the website. That's ridiculous - porn? Really? But I'm also confused about the Home Depot charges? So, if I'm getting it right, he lied about the charges because he was embarrassed that he didn't pay them back right away? I dunno, that doesn't seem to be adding up for me either.. but regardless.. I definitely think you have a serious problem on your hands.
Have you thought about counseling? Believe it or not, I've had a couple of friends who's husbands cheated on them and they were able to work through it with the help of a counselor. It took awhile and wasn't the prettiest path to go down, but it ended up working. OTOH, I know my best friend's sister's husband cheated on her and she sincerely didnt' feel like she would ever be able to trust him again, counseling or not.