Trouble in Paradise
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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Just a Phase?
My husband and I have been together for going on seven years, but we have only been married for a couple of months. Before we were married, we were living together, had a joint bank account, had had the children talk, etc. We always joked about how we were already married, we just didn't have the piece of paper to prove it. For the past week or so, we have been fighting nonstop. We never fight, have trust issues, or really any problems. Nothing should have changed, so why does it feel like everything has?
Re: Just a Phase?
It's only been a week - it sounds like it's been a rough week, but I wouldn't sweat it just yet. I don't think your marriage is doomed because you had a sh!tty week. Still, I wouldn't ignore it.
Disagreements are natural in a relationships. Knock-down, drag-out fights are not. What is causing the fights? What's the hot button issue? After these fights are you guys able to cool off and re-assess the situation? Can you acknowledge that either of you are overreacting?
I think you guys should sit down and hash out these issues without it turning into a fight. Going forward, you have to walk away before it gets out of hand. Cooler heads always prevail. Give yourself 30 minutes to cool off - take a walk, listen to your iPod, take a bath, etc... Really take the time to assess the situation, determine a better way to communicate, etc. It's ok to argue, you just want to argue productively.
I think it comes down to a lot of things. I moved from North Carolina to Oklahoma to be with him, because he had the better job. So I'm in an unfamiliar place with few friends, while he is in the comfort of his childhood state. So I think he doesn't understand the sacrifice I made for him. But conversely, he thinks that I am too needy of his time and affection because I have no other social outlets. I think both of us are at fault for not seeing the other's perspective.
Also, he drinks, and I come from a family of alcoholics, so I despise the stuff. I don't want to control him, so I wouldn't tell him not to, but we have certain rules, like he doesn't get drunk around me, he always spends the night when drinking with friends, etc. Recently, I discovered that he drinks almost every Saturday as his scheduled hang-out time at a friend's house, but he comes home every Saturday night. He swears that he's careful and drinks early enough, and such, but it still seems dishonest. Not only has he never mentioned it, meaning that he drinks a lot more often than I had previously thought, but he also doesn't spend the night, which is one of the most important things to me. Knowing my experience, it hurts me that he would not be truthful about it, which causes me concern, and then ignore one of the only things that I request. It makes me question him, and it instills distrust in me. He says that he doesn't tell me so I don't worry, but isn't that still dishonesty?
How old is this guy?
He drinks -- as in he has a few with the guys --- or he drinks, as in that's all they do when they go out, like this is still college or a high school kegger?
How much he is drinking is the key.
Until then, this is a grey area.
Find something to do! I'm sure there are volunteer groups and other things to do --- there's also the option of getting a little part time job, just for something to do.
1. for the social outlet - definitely find your own hobbies, interests, clubs to get involved with.
2. for the drinking - it's hard to know, as PP said, how to advise without knowing if he is just having a couple of beers or if he is really drunk. My XH got a couple of DUIs so that was something that DH and I had a big talk about once we got serious. We agreed that if he is going to a beer event (he's a home brewer) that I would drop him off and pick him up. If he's just having a few beers at a bar or at friends' then I trust him enough to know his limits. He knows I've had enough of bailing husbands out of the drunk tank.
It is hard to advise when we don't have all the facts, so I will stick to you. You resonant with me a little bit. Both of my parents had alcoholic fathers who were abusive, so their issues became my issues. My parents didn't drink but they had huge hang ups about drinking, amounts, rules, etc. Sounds a little like what you are doing.
You are right that you are not his mother, but you also cannot function in a marriage were you are not okay with his choice in this area and are basically turning a blind eye within your set of rules. It really is not fair to either of you. I ended up talking with someone to work through my baggage b/c I was imposing unfair boundaries on DH. Not saying everything DH does is okay or correct, but I know where things are coming from and can differentiate between a place of past history and the situation at hand. It might be something to look into.
Also, how much of your relationship was long distance? I think that probably accounts for a lot of what is going on. You can talk all you want but visits on the weekend are like having a constant honeymoon period, not day to day mundane life.
Baby Boy loved for 15 weeks, 5/31/11
Baby Girl loved for 16.5 weeks. 3/1/12
Yes I agree w/ Kuus. Is he having a few beers at a friend's house and not coming home? Is he getting plastered all the time? Are you projecting your fears about your alcoholic family onto your husband? I don't think it's healthy that he hides it from you, but also - I don't think it's healthy that you have "rules" for him about drinking.
I am wondering exactly why you married a man that drinks even a little if you are so anti alcohol.
If I feel so strongly about something I certainly wouldn't go out and marry a man who did that something.
Tiffany,
That's why I always try to accept some of the blame. I know it's just my background and the fact that I have that history makes me less than rational in the situation. I've tried therapy before, and it didn't really work well for me, but maybe it's worth it to revisit it? Right now we've stopped fighting and we're just trying to work through it positively, so hopefully it will smooth over soon.
Honestly, I think that has something to do with it. We lived apart for the first five years of our relationship, and we only saw one another every three or so months. We have lived together for a year and a half now, but I think he's still used to having his "freedom" if you will. Whereas it keeps me in the mindset of I have to spend as much tone with him as possible because it will run out, if that makes sense. I tthink we both have some adjusting to do
Also, thank you very much for this response. It gave me a new perspective, and let me know that I'm not alone.
How old is this guy?
25
He drinks -- as in he has a few with the guys --- or he drinks, as in that's all they do when they go out, like this is still college or a high school kegger?
He has a couple of groups of friends that he went to college with that never left the "frat-boy stage" and all they do is get drunk together. It's the goal of the night, and he is most certainly not safe to drive after an evening with them. But we talk about it, call and say good night before he gets too far gone, and then he spends the night there. This isn't that group of friends, but he made kind of foolish decisions in the past before we were together, so it just makes me uncomfortable.
I did not "go out and marry a man who did that something". I fell in love with someone with whom I did not agree on every aspect, and he fell in love with me. We have our differences, but we work through them because we love one another and we are determined to make it work
Um.... yes you did marry a man who did that something. It's one thing to disagree on certain things but you are really anti alcohol and gave YH rules for drinking. Rules, really? If you take alcohol that serious, then don't marry a man that drinks.
Yes, that is exactly what you did. If you didnt you wouldnt be posting about it here. You dont like drinking, your H drinks, you knew that before you married him, but decided it wasnt issue for you enough to break things off....now youve been married a few months and its issue enough for you to be posting about it,
But go ahead and stick your head back in the sand
I'm with Mags. Love isn't an emotion that keeps us paralyzed in a relationship and unable to see red flags. Love is something that can happen with LOTS of different people. If you don't see qualities you like, than find someone who does have the qualities you are looking for. Two things stood out to me in your post. The first is that you feel like you have to spend as much time with him as possible because it's going to run out. What does that even mean? You are in your 20s. You have lots of time. You don't have to suffocate anyone because you are worried time is going to run out. I am also concerned that you dated this man for 5 years without ever living near each other.
Are you in therapy? It sounds like you could benefit from it. I too was attracted to man and in a long distance relationship for over 5 years with because I didn't want to be alone. He did not have a lot of the qualities I wanted in a man and I forced a relationship anyways. It ended up not working because we were just not compatible and that was okay. I started therapy to work on myself and the things that lead me to a man like that so I could make better decisions for my future relationships.
I actually sympathize with you on both points. My husband and I had a bit of necessary long distance before our marriage and I also felt the way you felt. We also have not been married that long, so please take any advice from me with a grain of salt. But I actually find that while I enjoy having him around, and we like hanging out with other people as a couple, I use the time I have alone to reinforce my autonomy as a person. This is the time when I do things for myself, by myself, and it keeps me feeling good about myself as an individual! Not that there isn't time to do these things when he is home. But you don't have the extra strength that seems to occur when he's in the house. So it reminds me of what I can do as just me.
I am also really nervous about drinking. I don't have any general advice because my husband and I had long and bitter talks about it. He actually gave it up for a while just because of the nervous wreck I turned into when he drank, but he was not happy about it and I was planning on seeking a way to get more comfortable. We ended up trading my giving up the junk food that made him nervous but I loved(Note that I have no weight problems or anything else related to food besides a history of being underweight),for drinking. Since I get to keep eating more healthy forms of junk, he gets to keep drinking things which border on healthy/might be healthy too. But your husband seems a bit more a attached to drinking than mine.