did things change once you got married?

blee2013

hi all i need some help my hubby and I have been together since 06 and we just got married recently last month. So nothing major has changed except that I asked  my new hubby to tone down some of his flirting with some of our friends that of course are women. Once I told him this he got defensive saying that I am trying to change him and that's how he is and giving me attitude about it. I am not trying to change him honestly its too much work. I think that me asking a simple request should be honored shouldn't it? Now I'm fine with the flirting when he needs to get work done as he's an IT businessman but if I'm uncomfortable with him touching my friends and them vice versa I have a right to say something. I just need advice and what I should tell him if he rants and raves about me changing him again. 

 

Thanks 

buttercup1958

You are right, he shouldn't be flirting with your friends and they shouldn't be flirting with him either. However, was he like this before you marry him? If so then you are trying to change him, when he has been able to be like this for years and without you saying anything. I would be slightly confused too if out of the blue you wanted to change something, without any prior knowledge of it bothering you. A ring doesn't change people, anymore than a ring can cause the world to be destroyed. (Lord of the Ring reference). But he should be respecting you and if he doesn't try at all, and doesn't want too, you have two options. A: Be ok with him flirting with other people and let it bother you/let it go. B: Demand him to act like a Real Husband, try to seek therapy, and if nothing changes, leave. I hope it gets better! 

doglove

Why did you marry this man if you weren't happy about his flirtatious behavior? This seems like a major thing to overlook and expect to stop once you put a ring on your finger.

erollis

Did you ever talk to him before marriage or even engagement on how his behavior bothered you? You don't change people. People change because they want to. And some things are deeply engrained personality traits that may be near impossible to change. 

If it bothered you so much before marriage why marry him? People don't become a magical new person when they get married.  

artbyallie

My H flirts with everybody and means exactly nothing by it. It's who he is. And I certainly didn't expect him to stop while we were engaged or after we got married, since he did it while we were dating. I agree with your husband and with PP that you shouldn't have expected him to change.

Golden42

Why would being in IT mean he needs to flirt to get things done? Regardless, this is absolutely something you should have brought up before the wedding. To me, the time for stopping the flirting is when you two became exclusive, not when you got married. I don't blame you for thinking this is not appropriate, especially flirting with your friends (by the way, are they flirting back? Time for new friends if so), but you are a bit late here. Try and help him see how it hurts your feelings and hopefully his need to flirt doesn't outweigh his consideration of your feelings.

annmarie714

Honestly, I'd be a little scared by a person who changed completely when I married them.  I married them for who they are and how our relationship is, not for the mystery of who they'll become after "I do".

 I do think your H flirting didn't start when you got married, so why do you expect it to change when you got married?  I think he should make an attempt after you spoke with him but I'm perplexed as to why you waited until after your wedding to talk to him about it.  I would see if he's at least attempting to change.  It really never came up in the 7 years you were together?  Really?!

Some people are naturally flirtatious.  I am, but I never mean anything by it.  I also know there are lines not to cross. 

renegade gaucho

Unless your husband is a stripper or a prostitute, I can't imagine why he would need to flirt in order to do his job well.  I also don't understand why this aspect of his character only became a problem for you after you got married.  If it bothered you, why didn't you say something about it earlier in the relationship?

ReturnOfKuus

doglove:

Why did you marry this man if you weren't happy about his flirtatious behavior? This seems like a major thing to overlook and expect to stop once you put a ring on your finger.

 

Yeah, I'm not sure why this apparently was okay in a boyfriend and a fiance, but unacceptable in a husband.

BulgariHeart

renegade gaucho:

Unless your husband is a stripper or a prostitute, I can't imagine why he would need to flirt in order to do his job well.  I also don't understand why this aspect of his character only became a problem for you after you got married.  If it bothered you, why didn't you say something about it earlier in the relationship?

This. If you don't want a husband who flirts left and right then don't marry a boyfriend who flirts left and right. Also lose those "friends" of yours.  

EastCoastBride

ReturnOfKuus:

doglove:

Why did you marry this man if you weren't happy about his flirtatious behavior? This seems like a major thing to overlook and expect to stop once you put a ring on your finger.

 

Yeah, I'm not sure why this apparently was okay in a boyfriend and a fiance, but unacceptable in a husband.

Yeah, this is where I'm at. I don't get why people think "ta-da! We're married. Now I expect you to magically change!".  

blee2013

Thank you all for the comments. I was uncomfortable in the beginning but I played along as if it didn't bother me and I of course don't do that myself I don't flirt and play around with my male friends so I guess I assumed that he would stop because I asked him to and to some degree he has and I have also spoken to my friends and they too were shocked but they wouldn't understand until they are in my shoes. Yes it was slightly ok when we were dating but I've told him to tone down some and he has. So a change did come and it wasn't a demanding change but it was to make him see how I felt. Now that we are married I don't want people to look at me funny as the wife that lets her hubby flirt and play around with other women while I just sit there. As far as him flirting for his IT job its his personality and it works out in his benefit so that was what I meant for that. 

 

Thanks again for the comments. 

anssett

You're worried about other people's perception of you if he flirts? I don't think you're listening at all! This seems to be his personality and you have had 7 years to change him...not likely any more well help. He doesn't seem to care, and he certainly isn't taking your behavior as his rule. 

MsPiggy37

I am sorry but this sounds like a personality thing that has been present since the beginning. If you did not work hard to fix the problem early on, then I am not surprised at all by his reaction now when, all of a sudden after marriage, you expect him to change again.

Honestly, if you have lasted this long and he has been loyal to you, don't see how this has been a problem that has always bothered you. Has his behavior changed recently? Is he acting more flirtatious now than before the wedding?

If it is something that truly bothers you, and it is not an insecurity issue, I would try again to have a heart-felt talk with him and try to make him understand the reasons why this behavior is not acceptable, but be prepared to explain why it is not acceptable now but it has been all these years.

Kimbus22

I'm laughing because he has to flirt in IT.  DH is also in IT.  I'm the only woman I know in IT who isn't old enough to be his mother/grandmother so I guess he doesn't have that problem.

Honestly this is something that should have been dealt with before you married him.  It seems like a basic part of his personality doesn't sit well with you.  I'd get into counseling to discuss it together and see if he feels all right changing his behavior a bit so you're more comfortable.  But I wouldn't expect him to change his personality completely.

doglove

Playing along with someone for appearance purposes will literally get you no where. Look where it's gotten you now?  In a marriage that you're unhappy with. Are you in therapy? I would recommend starting there to determine why other people's perceptions are more important than what's best for yourself. 

ReturnOfKuus

doglove:

Playing along with someone for appearance purposes will literally get you no where. Look where it's gotten you now?  In a marriage that you're unhappy with. Are you in therapy? I would recommend starting there to determine why other people's perceptions are more important than what's best for yourself. 

 

I'm still baffled that you think people would look at you sideways for being the woman whose husband is flirty, but not for being the woman whose boyfriend is flirty.

JemmaWRX

Things don't generally change once married.  That's why most women wouldn't marry someone who blatantly flirts with other women.  It's odd that you would suddenly expect him to pull a 180 in this department.  While it's a reasonable request, it's a request that should have been made 6.5 years ago.  I can kind of understand why he's peeved.

sillygoosegirl

Yes, things changed after we were married.  But not things like you are describing.  More along the lines of how we made big life decisions and stuff like that.  

Why did it take you 7 years to get around to telling him that you didn't like him flirting with other people?  If you had a problem with his behavior, I don't know why you didn't bring it up a better part of a decade ago, or at least before you were married.