Trouble in Paradise
Dear Community,
Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
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Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
I feel like the man and the women
I've been getting very frustrated with my husband lately. I have not only been doing the house renovations but also all the cooking cleaning. Last weekend I was the one that went Home Depot and bought the mulch and put it down in the front yard. I then came inside and vacuumed and cleaned and changed the sheets. My husband is in graduate school working on his PhD and is constantly busy. we are lucky to spend two nights a week together. When he has free time he likes to play video games or handout rather work on the house or do chores. I get frustrated because I work hard as a teacher too, and still take care of things that needs to get done. He's not ungrateful or expects me to have these things done. I'm the one that puts the pressure on myself to have a nice house. I've tried not being as uptight about everything but it just ends up frustrating me more. ( I can only take dishes in the sink for do many days!) I'm proud of our house and want it to look its best. ( No one wants to be THAT house in the neighborhood) I think it comes down to that we just value different things. Guess I'm asking if anyone has any advice for how to breach this difference in values? I love my husband very much but I find myself getting frustrated and short tempered with him recently. Thanks for your time and suggestions. I promise I'm not as crazy as I sound... Or maybe it just takes putting it down in writing.
Re: I feel like the man and the women
Have you had this conversation with him?
Maybe you can set a certain time each week where he has to do something for or around the house...Sat. from 12-3 is house time?
You don't get to decide he should care about keeping the house the same way you want it. You two decide, TOGETHER, how you want to live. It doesn't sound like he 'buys in' to your vision, and he doesn't want to spend his free time doing things you see value in, but he doesn't.
Talk to him. Whining or assigning chores isn't going to do anything useful. My husband and I had a lot of compromising to do about lifestyle and how we keep our house. We talked a lot. We tried different things. We found a nice balance. But, we are good at communicating...
Him getting a PHD will eventually benefit both of you (probably better job or more money), therefore it is "work" on his part. It's not unreasonable for you to pick up more of the household duties while he focuses on his school. You didn't mention if he has a job on top of this, but that would mean even more stress for him. That said, perhaps he could agree to certain tasks a week like mowing the lawn and other things to help out and then you could step back and allow him to work these in. Being in school should lessen his house hold responsibilities, but not negate them completely so if you are doing everything then I do agree he should pick up a few chores.
I'm in school as well and it's tough working full time only to come home and do school work for hours. And my spouse will wait until my school work is done to then do chores "with me" while I feel it would be more reasonable for him to do those things as I am doing class work since class work is not me sitting on my rear and it should be considered work.
However, if he lived on his own during his PhD, he would surely have to wash his own dishes, wash his own clothes, clean up after himself, make a meal, clean his toilet. If he wanted to live in a bat-cave of slovenly despair eating nothing but delivery take-away and befriending the rats piling up and nesting in his kitchen then he shouldn't have undertaken a marriage and home ownership along with his PhD. People manage to do PhD's all the time and still care for themselves like normal human beings. They clean themselves and clean up after themselves, they go to stores and (gasp!) mow the occasional lawn. Some of them even manage to do things like put gas in their cars and even buy groceries (inconceivable, I know!). I've even heard of a few that have done a PhD with a family (children, even!).
I get that he is busy, but that's not a reason to not be pitching in at all. A bit less, granted. But you're not his mom, maid, cook, butler, personal shopper, landscaper or laundromat. You're his wife and you are happy to take on more responsibility around the house while he is working on this, but within reason!
Chronically hilarious - you'll split your stitches!
I wrote a book! Bucket list CHECK!
http://notesfortheirtherapist.blogspot.co.uk
Your husband has a more laid back personality when it comes to housework. I feel you. So much. Maybe you can come up with a chore schedule that he'll agree to stick to? I did that with my husband. I have to remind him to do some of the things on the list (like changing the sheets or vacuuming), but he'll usually do them if I remind him. Not in my time frame, but oh well. I've gotten fed up with him about laundry to the point where I do only my laundry now, and he has to do his own. Period. It sounds terrible, but sometimes you have to use a little manipulation too. Like, I reserve the right to cook only myself breakfast if the dinner dishes from the previous evening that he was supposed to do are still in the sink. Or even to cook only myself dinner if he hasn't been doing his part lately. I don't know if this would work if you had kids, but it usually works for me for now. I love him unconditionally, but certain things I do for him (like cooking) are conditional.