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The baby talk
We had the baby talk last night and it didn't go over to well.
Here's the gist of it - I had a minor freak out two weeks ago about the thought of having children and talked to my husband about it. Long story short - my job is very boring, they took away the nest, so I spend my days perusing the bump boards, including Attachment Parenting. I got wigged out - co-sleeping, and baby-wearing, and breast-feeding a 3 year old, OH MY! (No offense to anyone who chooses to parent this way, it's simply not my cup of tea). I eventually realized I was being neurotic and that this style of parenting is optional, not a requirement of all parents. So I'm back on the baby train.
In past conversations we decided to wait until the 1 year mark (of marriage) to start TTC. That is this September. I brought up the conversation again last night. I want to make sure he's really on board with that timeline. He's not a planner and tends to let me call the shots. But this is a big decision that needs to be made together. He said "Uh, I'm a little confused considering everything you were saying two weeks ago." Fair enough. I get it, I understand where he's coming from and I acknowledged that. Except he threw it back in my face twice more. I'm thinking - Yes, I get it. I was being a crazy person. My apologies. But we've discussed a family for upwards of a year/year and a half. I did a 180 for a couple days. That does not negate a year's worth of conversations. Please stop making me feel like a jackass.
The biggest issue with this is our jobs/finances. He is in a new position that is base + commission. He SHOULD make a good amount of money but of course there are no guarantees. I told him, and I mean it, that if come September/winter of this year, he's not making a good amount of money, that it's ok. We can put it off until we're more comfortable financially (I'll only be 27, it's not like my biological clock is ticking).
My job - well reference earlier in the post. It's boring, unchallenging, and unrewarding. BUT - I have really good benefits for both of us, 401k and profit-sharing, 4.5 weeks vacation, job stability, and a 15 minute commute. All great things that are hard to walk away from. Aside from that though, one of the biggest reasons I've stayed on board is because it's a great job for a parent (because of the above reasons, but also I'm with the company long enough I qualify for paid maternity leave, and the company is very accommodating for parents - people leave early to catch their kids baseball game, allow for schedule changes for day-care/school drop off/pick up, etc).
I communicated I want a baby so I have some kind of personal fulfillment in my life. I'm not getting it from my job and that's where I spend most of time. I'm bored. And I don't want to keep working a job that I hate if this isn't in the cards for the near future. He said "That's not a good reason to have a kid."
I'm offended by his comment but is he right? There's more to it that just that. Emotionally I want children, I want a family with him, I want to hear our kids laugh and watch them play. I want to create a life and be responsible for that life. He should know that.
So outside of the emotional draw, are my circumstances legitimate reasons for starting a family? I think there's more to it than simply the desire...
Re: The baby talk
I'm in the same situation w my job. I don't hate it, per se, but it's BORING. But it's SO good for a parent! I'm kind of tied to it for now. As I have a child, I really do reap the rewards, so to speak, of my job. And having DS is what keeps me there.
So, I understand where you're coming from. But I also understand your Dhs point. For that ONE reason - I can see why he said what he said. But it's clearly more than that for you. It sounds like your DH is "detail oriented" and he hears one thing and focuses on that. Losing site of the big picture. I do the same thing. As such, I would encourage him to try and step back from the one or two things youve said and try to take in everything you've both talked about and try to look at those comments in a broader sense.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
Thanks ECB - you are dead on about him being detail oriented in how he comprehends what's been communicated. The guy should have been a lawyer. It's a major pet peeve! But his point of view was fair, I knew that. I like your suggestion about asking him to have a broader interpretation when we discuss these things.
We're simply on opposite ends right now - I want to start because my job is getting old and I'm bored and he wants to wait because his job is new and he's leery about finances and wants to get established. I'm understandably ready and he's understandably hesitant. I think I'll table the conversation for now.
A baby is really not the only way to get personal fulfillment-I would communicate to your husband about the other reasons. To me, personal fulfillment comes from expanding my mind, learning a new skill, etc, at least at this point in my life. Your husband may feel the same way. Also, you will have to make a lot of sacrifices when the child comes. Being childless seems like the best time to be *personally* fulfilled!
Also, this may put undue pressure on a child. A lot of great moms I know do things to fulfill themselves as individuals-and not great moms put a laser focus on the kid. I don't know your personal situation, of course.
I'm with your H. That is NOT a reason to have a child. Get a hobby or take up a sport or something.
Don't do anything until you are sure about your Hs job and income. Also, make sure your guys are saving as much as you can. Commission is never a sure thing.
I agree with your husband that your own personal fulfillment isn't a good reason to have a baby. But given the rest of your post, it sounds like you just made a poorly-worded statement in the heat of the moment. And for some reason, your husband chose to fixate on that comment, rather than on your many perfectly valid reasons to want kids. Honestly, I'm a bit confused as to where your husband stands on all this. When you had your meltdown two weeks ago (which I suspect is totally normal) did he think you didn't want kids anymore? And was he cool with that? Because if so, that strikes me as odd... At any point during this conversation, did he say what HE wanted? Or did he just keep trying to convince you that YOU don't want a baby?
At the very least, it sounds like your husband isn't ready to have a baby--or a specific baby timeline--yet. And you may not be 100% ready for that either. But it doesn't sound like you have any reason to rush things. You guys are young, and it might not be bad idea to wait a while and see how your husband's job goes before you make any definite decisions. Talk to your husband again and clarify your feelings, if you haven't already. Don't let him argue with you about what YOU want, and ask him point blank what he wants. Then maybe you can agree to just sit down in Sept and see where you both stand, financially and emotionally. No commitment, just a check in.
Oh, and FWIW, I think it's reasonable that you would make certain career decisions around having children, even if it means staying in an unfulfilling job because it's more family-friendly. But as PP's have already said, it's still important for you to find some personal fulfillment outside of being a mom, whether that means finding a hobby or working towards an eventual career change when your kids are a little older. I'm dealing with that right now, myself...I'm currently putting my career on the back burner so I can spend more time at home with my son, but I'm spending a few hours a week learning some new skills to make myself more employable in the longrun, and to help myself enjoy what I do a little bit more. It's all about finding that balance...Anyway, GL!
I'm kind of here as well. Even though you discussed you would have a baby a year out from marriage, things can change.
Thanks for the input. I am fine with a change in plans if need be. For example - his job... there are no guarantees in commission. If he's not financially comfortable come late Fall/Winter, I'm ok with holding off. Like I said, I'm young, I got plenty of baby-making years ahead of me. If I was 35 I might be singing a different tune.
Personal fulfillment is not the ONLY reason either. It's something we've both discussed and have both expressed the desire to become parents and start a family together. The personal fulfillment, my job issues, etc are reasons I'm pushing for sooner rather than later. I'd take the time now to pursue other opportunities, but the truth is, I have no clue what I'd rather be doing... I'm not a career type woman, I don't have a very specific interest at this point in my life. For now, the job is good for a variety of reasons but the job itself kind of sucks.
I'm good with holding off on any further conversations for now and will re-address in a few months.
And to the PP who asked - I don't think my husband thought I never wanted kids. He knows me well enough to know it was probably me just being silly and freaking out over nothing. He wants kids, I want kids, we just have to nail down when to start trying.
Thanks again everyone.
It honestly sounded like it was just a slip in communication
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Forget the job-what about traveling? Making things? A subject you wanted to know? A pet you wanted to keep? A volunteer job you wanted to take?
I don't judge if none of that interests you. I'm just suggesting things that might be easier before the baby comes in the picture.
Hey, Thanks! We fully intend to take advantage of this kid-free time in our lives. And travelling is at the top of our list. We're going to figure out a way to save as much as possible while having enough fun money to travel. So far his job is paying off so we have more money coming in than we've ever had. But we're going to continue to live off what we're used to. The rest is savings and a trip fund!
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