Fiance wants it more and I have physical limitations

starchyld77

I know that this is going to sound off but my FI is a very sexual person and I used to be but have lost it due to medical issues that have physical limitations set by a doctor and PT. Both of us work full time and have out own businesses on the side and things have just gone by the wayside. The other night he sits me down and tells me that he wants our sex life to pick up otherwise this could break us. he says that he wants enticement and all kinds of stuff and some of it just makes me uncomfortable as ever because I have never had to entice a man or do any of the things that he wants me to do. I have talked to my girlfriends and they all call "Switzerland" and just tell me that this has to be a two way street and not just me doing everything. I am at all loss therefore I am chancing it and asking for help.

Kimbus22

Well, your girlfriends are right.  It needs to be a two way street.  He's making it very clear to you what he needs to move forward with the relationship. If you're unable/unwilling to do exactly what he is asking for, what are you willing to do?  Try to find a middle ground.  You'll intitiate sex more if he does things that put you in the mood.  That kind of thing.

TarponMonoxide

Really? He emotionally blackmailed you?

This is NOT a guy for you to marry.

Sex really is only part of the picture for a marriage -- what if you marry this guy and you cannot have intercourse anymore, or there is some other factor that affects you that vastly limits intercourse?  Let's just suppose: indeed, what's he going to do?

His undependability and lack of character is coming through glaringly.

Get rid of this guy --- a guy who loves you will work through any and all problems with you; you are supposed to be a team and this guy isn't one with you.

tiffanysbride

If the conversation went as you say and he told you want you had to do for him, that is a big red flag. It's one thing to tell your partner that you need more and these are the things you like, it's another to demand them or else. I would have to know more about the conversation. It is easy to interpret things when your are in the moment and on the defensive. 

i do not think it is unreasonable that he wants more physically (not that I agree with the approach).  I get the impression that this is not your limitations but life getting the better or you. I do not know your health so if it is more sever please correct me. It seems like things have slipped, you mentioned never enticing him, that can be as simple as a look that tells him you desire him. I could be reaching but maybe what he was trying to say was that he wanted to feel more desired by you, not just through sex. The only thing I can suggest is to talk with him and figure out how to communicate before you get married. 

Golden42

TarponMonoxide:

Really? He emotionally blackmailed you?

This is NOT a guy for you to marry.

Sex really is only part of the picture for a marriage -- what if you marry this guy and you cannot have intercourse anymore, or there is some other factor that affects you that vastly limits intercourse?  Let's just suppose: indeed, what's he going to do?

His undependability and lack of character is coming through glaringly.

Get rid of this guy --- a guy who loves you will work through any and all problems with you; you are supposed to be a team and this guy isn't one with you.

 

I semi-disagree with this. I don't think it is unreasonable for him to try and communicate things he wants sexually from you, even if it is "I wish you would initiate more" or "If you are unable to have actual intercourse, maybe you could throw me a BJ sometimes." Or asking if you would dress up or do a striptease to entice him. All those things are valid. He shouldn't be demanding them from you by any means. And for some people, a lack of sex is a dealbreaker and that is ok too.

 I think it really all depends on how it was communicated.

Manther1222

Yeah, I also think that it depends on how it was communicated. "These things are making me very unhappy and I think that this could fix it" is one thing-that's clear communication-and "You have to do this for me" is another. If it's a communication, there should be a middle ground where you and he are both happy. Discuss what you'd be comfortable doing and how you would be doing it, and experiment. If he's not open to this learning process, especially if he wants you to be one specific way, he is bad news.

starchyld77

Cayla that is the reason plus the fact that I am in pain from time to time and just do not want to do anything sexual when I am in pain... I have two dislocated ribs as well as issues in my upper CT spine which really puts a damper on things and he is the one who told me to go to the doctor and get it checked out because he does not want me walking down the aisle in pain... I must be clear and say that the injuries are a result of an accident as well as constant aggravation because I refused to see a doctor for awhile because I was busy taking care of my dad as well as other family members who were ill. 

Rinne3

With serious injuries like the ones you have explained, it sounds like you aren't physically able to have the kind of sex (or frequency) that your FI wants. Have you been able to talk to him about this? Is this permanent or temporary and how can you address this accordingly? Could you talk to your doc/PT and figure out what you can do and maybe even get some suggestions. I realize that it sounds awkward but being in the medical field, people ask all the time, especially with the type of injuries you have. Is there some kind of timeline for healing, etc.? No matter what the situation open communication is the always the best policy. Would you be comfortable with your FI going to a PT?doctors appointment, then he could talk directly to them and hear for himself what is reasonable for you two right now. Also, your doc/PT should reinforce that you shouldn't be having sex if you're in pain. But get creative, and if you aren't in the mood, he should respect that because he respects you and doesn't want to cause you any pain or discomfort as well as any possible long term effects from delaying your healing any longer. I hope this helps!

starchyld77

I would be open to him going to an appointment with me but his work schedule is pretty set and he is always working when I have my appointments unfortunately. The kind of sex that he is used to... the only way I could even have that is if I drug myself on the medication that the doctor put me on... I am also a medical professional and well it is difficult for me to even think about drugging myself because I am against it and I hate taking pills for anything other than my BC... The doctor put me on Neurontin because I requested no narcotics. I have to go through 6 more weeks of PT and weight limitations... I also have a NMES unit that I use on my injured areas. I do not know what my healing timeline is really because when I had my follow up appointment this last week the doc told me that he is not lifting any of the restrictions and that he wants me to continue PT... I was upset mind you because I cannot do half the things that I really enjoy doing and I cannot lift weights at the gym for a spell... Right now as it sits I feel stuck and I know that he feels my stress but he really needs to stop focusing on the sex life and focus on me getting better... not worse... I love him very much but sometimes I feel that he just does not get it...

Booga101

your FI sounds like a complete jerk for that. i have not had any dislocated ribs and reading that makes me want to hold my sides. he knows you are in pain he's just being selfish. where's the sympathy, dang.