Married Life
Dear Community,
Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
How can we get back the honeymoon phase?
Me and my husband got married last September. About a week after our wedding my mother-in-law was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer. We have been together on and off since high school, and she was like a second mother to me. We lost her the week before Christmas. I guess I just feel that we got our "honeymoon phase" ripped away from us, but then feel selfish for thinking that. We held off on our honeymoon and went in April of this year, which was a blast. I just feel like the cancer stress, plus the stress of our jobs, extra bills, debt etc..we never got that time to be lovey dovey and enjoy each other. He has moments where I can tell he misses her, but he doesn't talk about it a lot. He works a full time job and 2 part time jobs. And I have a full time and part time. I own a house, but moved to live with him. We currently pay rent and a house payment, so the jobs at this point are needed. I know money isn't everything, but it's hard to get ahead. Maybe we just need to slow down to get our spark back? We sometimes will go 3 weeks without time off together...how do you plan romance between all of that? I'm scared that we are already in a rut because of all that has happened in our first 6 months of marriage. Any advice?
Re: How can we get back the honeymoon phase?
Is your house on the market? Is he under a lease for his apartment? I can't wrap my head around why you would live in and pay for an apartment, when you have house sitting there collecting dust (and burning holes in your pockets!).
The loss of your MIL is awful. All couples are bound to deal with these things in their marriage. You just so happened to encounter it right away. Don't harp on this "honeymoon phase" crap. It's tough whether this happens in the first 6 months of marriage or 30 years in. You have to start looking at this as an opportunity to grow. The strength of a relationship is really measured in how you handle the hard times.
So as far as the living situation goes.... get that wrapped up. There is no sense in paying rent and a mortgage/homeowners insurance/taxes. You're working two jobs and I'm sure it's tough. But you aren't working around the clock right? Although it doesn't feel like it, there is time left in the day to schedule some romance in. And if you need to do it - schedule it. Find an hour or two that you're both home and available and mark it on your calendar.
Things will look up eventually.
Can you rent the home until it sells?
I don't know how to connect with someone you never spend time with.
I've been through the loss of a parent. It's excruciating and takes a toll for years, well forever, really. But I also know that when I allow myself (or my husband) to get so busy that we don't spend quality time together our relationship isn't as healthy. I get stressed out and all the forces that stabilize us when we're together are missing. So, try to find ways to make time for each other. For me that's every week at a MINIMUM. 2-3 times a week is better. I'm sure you know this but think it's worth putting it all on hold right now. But it sounds like it's not working.
Good luck!
Is your house in a desirable area? Could you rent it out? You may not be able to sell but may be able to rent. What about a transfer for him to another police force (one closer to your home)?
It sounds like you've been through a lot in a short period of time, but that can be changed. I would be looking at active ways to make that happen. Also, the honeymoon phase is not real (at least for most people). Life just isn't like that and it does not stand still b/c you got married. Most people have either lived together and go on as before or have not lived together and work through lots of differences.
Baby Boy loved for 15 weeks, 5/31/11
Baby Girl loved for 16.5 weeks. 3/1/12
My husband and I went through a TON in our first 6 months married together too. Tons of stress and not knowing quite how to deal with it all and where to turn. The first thing I did was sit down and figure out what I WANTED. It turns out that I just wanted to feel like I had someone to talk to again, and to stop running around all the time, to just be. So I started by planning easy meals we could cook together, and doing things one the weekend that were easy ie:sitting on the beach, going to a farmers market together, playing scrabble at night... Try to turn down the outside noise of your life.
Then I thought.... what do I want from HIM. I wanted him to be happy- so when we talked, intensely, about it. He was just so overwhelmed with trying to make me happy. So he started to see a counselor about stress at work, and he started to make plans with me about the future. (he never plans anything by the way)
Last-- I turned up the heat! I started to wear sexy things to bed again, I would surprise him when he came home (even if that meant I lost a little money from work), I would make romantic dinners from an aphrodesiac cookbook we have... just the little things that I would do when we dated. And after about a month we are back to how we used to be.
I hope that helps... I dont know if it will, but start with yourself and what you need and want for yourself, for him and for your relationship and start chipping away a little at a time.
There is no need of big planning. Try with a simple but nice dinner, play fun but naughty games. Make him have fun.