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What is she thinking?
Two things happened this weekend. I welcome your comments.
Saturday night I had a romantic evening planned. A fire going in the backyard pit, Skewered hotdogs slowly cooking and a bag of marshmallows ready for roasting. She brought out two glasses of wine, and music playing in the background. After some time she says she is a little chilly and is going to get a sweater. Five minutes turns into ten then fifteen minutes. When I went inside I found her in the laundry room folding clothes.
It was a beautiful day Sunday, and there was plenty of work to do. While I was cutting the grass, she did some things inside, then came outside. I helped her take some things in from one of the cars, then went back to the grass. After finishing in the backyard, I went in to get a drink before cleaning everything up. I think it was about 5:30 and she was just getting out of the shower and got in her pj's. I went back outside to finish up. About an hour later when I went out front, I noticed one of the cars has been washed, and the other was covered with a layer of pollen.
Would I have a right to be upset by either scenario?
Re: What is she thinking?
The first is kinda weird. It sounds like you guys were having fun-you got the food, and she put on music and got some wine. Seems like you were both into the plans for the night. Totally normal for her to say "Hey, I'm going to get a sweater." I guess it depends on what she had to say when you came in and saw her. Did she say "Oh the sweatshirt was in the laundry and I thought I might as well fold these real quick while I'm here"? Did she come back out and you guys had a nice time after the laundry thing? Because then I think you are overreacting. If she just left your evening for no reason, then I do think that is strange. But again, it depends on what she said.
I'm trying to figure out what you are upset about on the second one. I hate yardwork. Hate it. So DH does most of that. I will help him if we have a big job, like the other weekend when we got mulch. But on a normal day, it would not be weird for me to be inside, doing laundry or cleaning or whatever, and him outside cutting the grass. I also will often want a shower after I do stuff outside, even if it is early, because, well, sweat. I'm thinking that you are upset that she washed her car and not yours? That is not very considerate, but then again your wife has proven many times that she is not a very thoughtful person in general with doing things for others. So it isn't out of character. She doesn't HAVE to wash your car too, but a thoughtful person would.
She did come back outside and rejoined me and the rest of the evening did go very well.
As far as the car, she said she ran out of cash, however I don't see why when she got the first car home she couldn't ask if I have any.
She is one who is very thoughtful and will do things for others. But that's just it. She is very quick to do something for someone else.
Very simple solution: Ask her!!
The first situation, yes it's odd that she was folding laundry but instead of judging why not just walk in and ask if you can help so you can both get back to the fire. Or when she said it was chilly, ask her to come cuddle and you'll keep her warm.
The second situation, I guess I just don't understand what the problem is. Did the 2 of you discuss what your goals for the day were? If my husband was shocked/annoyed every time I was in my pj's, he'd be upset with me 90% of the time.
Communication and discussing expectations is a wonderful thing.
She wasn't always that way. Now it's like this. We will have her sister visiting and we'll be watching TV in the family room in the basement. She will get up from watching TV and go upstairs. A few minutes later she would return with a plate of cheese and pepperoni and two glasses of wine. Then she will sit next to her sister and share what she brought back from the kitchen with her. When nearly finished, she will something like Oh, did you want something? If I say yes, she will sigh and roll her eyes and ask why I didn't say anything while she was upstairs. I had no idea why she went upstairs in the first place..
It seems like she will bend over backwards for herself and others, but when it comes to me, I'm an afterthought.
I will tell you the same thing people have been telling you for a long time. You need to go to counseling. My God, you are always actively looking for reason to make your wife the bad guy. If it isn't the above nonsense, it is how she makes you pork chops, or how she checked out of the store before you did, or how when she found out her father was dying she wasn't coming to you enough for support.
Stop it, just stop it. This is not healthy and this is not normal.
YOU NEED HELP
I did say to her that I was warm. I'm always warm. She cuddled for a few minutes but I guess I wasn't enough. When I found her folding clothes, she said she didn't want my t-shits to wrinkle. I said the shirts will be there tomorrow, but the fire won't. She understood.
I told her I was going to take care of the yard work and she said she was doing things inside. When I saw her at the car taking things inside, I helped then went back to the yard. It was while I was in the backyard that she took care of her car. Being her pj's is not what I was upset about. She had finished what she was going to do, got comfortable and plopped onto the couch while I was hot, sweaty, partially sunburned and still doing yard work.
Look stw.... we are talking. I have been asking her to contact a counselor so we both can go. With her insurance, it's free. With mine it's $40 per 30 minute session. I'm not trying to make her out to be the bad guy. If I were taking care of one car, I would have done both. If she asked me to get her a sweater, I would have done just that and got right back with her. If I got up to get a snack, I would find out what if anything she wanted before I got to the top of the steps.
You know, sometimes it's not because a lack of grease that a wheel squeaks. Sometimes it a bad axle.
You can still find someone and make the appointment. All you have to do is provide her insurance information either over the phone or when you arrive at the appointment.
And for the record, I don't ask my husband if he wants a snack every time I get one. If he asks for something, I'll gladly bring it to him. And I don't take care of his car when I'm taking care of mine. And somehow neither of us feel like the other is neglecting them.
So your expectation was that she work on household stuff for as long as you did? Again, did you discuss it? Were both of your expectations clear? You cannot meet your spouses expectations nor can they meet yours if you don't know what they are.
And for the record, if I know she is getting a snack, yes, I do ask if she will bring me something as I do for her. There are dozens of reason for going upstairs, but if I don't know that she's getting a snack, how can I ask her? Something like, "I'm hungry. You want anything?" goes a long way.
And so you know when I wash the cars, I always clean her car first then I do mine. If I go for a snack. I ask if she wants anything. If I go out for anything, I ask if she needs something.
Maybe I should start doing like she does.
I was in no way insinuating insurance fraud. I assumed the counseling was for the both of you in which case you scheduling the appointment for the both of you is in no way insurance fraud.
So, if you had no expectations then why does it matter that she "plopped onto the couch"?
Dammit! What the hell happened to the Golden Rule? Do unto others as you would have them do unto you. I am thoughtful and courteous to my wife. She used to be that way with me, but not so much for a long time. If I do something nice for her, I guess it really doesn't mean anything because I should not expect her to do anything nice for me at all.
I am not perfect, but I do keep my wife foremost in my mind above all else. Is that wrong?
Dude. Really?!? You back with this BS again?!?
I am going to say it, it's bad.....
I really feel sorry for your wife. You have to be exhausting to be married to.
Go to counseling ASAP.
You need counseling. YOU YOU YOU. Not couples counseling, not marriage counseling. There is something wrong with YOU. This nit picky nonsense is crazy. Do you not realize this ? Coming to a public message boards complaining about
1. How your wife behaves when she visits with her sister and pays her more attention than you
2. How she behaves when she goes to the store
3. How she makes you pork chops
and a host of other petty complaints you have about her. YOU ARE NOT NORMAL.
If in fact, if she isn't considerate of you, it is probably because you turned into the boy who cried wolf. After years of nitpicking, nagging, walking on eggshells and actively looking for these little " insults" she has tuned you out.
I personally think the woman is a saint. I couldn't imagine being married to someone like you.
Of course, I don't know why I even bother writing this. You will just try to turn it around and lie saying that you are looking for advice / help / support when we all know you want none of that. You just want someone to blow smoke up your butt and say your wife is a humongous meanie head and she should worship the ground you walk on ( because my God her first husband abused her ). Then you will come back in a few weeks complaining how your wife used you car and didn't return the seat to the original position or how she didn't fold your clothes the right way or how she didn't reach across and open your car door for you even though you opened her door for her.
You need marriage counseling to help the two of you balance your expectations with each other's actions. As PP said, you don't have to leave it up to your wife to make an appointment. If marriage counseling for both of you is free on her insurance, find out what network she is in, find a therapist you'd like to see, and make an appointment. Bring her card when you show up. It is not insurance fraud to call a doctor/therapist on behalf of the insured.
Meanwhile, stop complaining about your wife on the internet. I hope you get this worked out together, but I don't think this is helping.
"You know you're in love when you don't want to fall asleep because reality is finally better than your dreams." - Dr. SeussI recommend this, too. But I also think couples counseling is a good idea. Hopefully you can find it in you to spend a little money on making your life/relationship/wife's life better. At the very least, though, please get set up with the free counseling through your wife's insurance.
"You know you're in love when you don't want to fall asleep because reality is finally better than your dreams." - Dr. SeussDid she agree she would go to counseling, but just hasn't made an appointment? If so, then make an appointment for the two of you with her insurance info. It isn't insurance fraud if you are both going.
It is possible that your wife just isn't into you anymore. From what you are saying, you both used to do nice things for each other. Now she doesn't want to. She seems as if she would rather talk to her family and hang with them. If that is the case, then there isn't much you can do.
But I did just remember, and I'm gonna say you need to cut her some slack here, because if I am correct her father has months to live, and her sister recently died? She's going through a lot. She is not focused on you right now. I don't think now is really the time to make any big marriage decisions.
So what is the score now? Something like
Kptinker: 52,294 Angel Wings
Kptinker's Wife: 8,546,547 wrong-doings, sleights, insults and generally malevolent acts
Your wife acts this way because she can't stand you and your impossibly nitpicking ways. Does it occur to you that if you weren't so critical of everything she might WANT to start doing thoughtful things for you again?
Actually, you are sounding like a B!
I was rolling my eyes at your post. You make a big deal over nothing. I have done what your wife did many of times. My husband and I may be on the couch watching a movie and I go get another glass of wine from the kitchen and then empty the dishwasher while I'm in there. MH doesn't get mad, if he's antsy, he might say hurry back honey, but you again blew the whole thing up.
As for the second scenario, again, who cares. She washed her car and not yours. I never wash MH's car. If MH is doing yard work, I don't help and I might sit on the porch and watch or I might be in the house doing whatever and it's no big deal.
I agree with pp, YOU need help and I feel for your poor wife. You sound like a big baby.
TTC since September 2012
Well. That escalated quickly. Again.
I'm still not understanding the car thing. So she went out and got her car washed and you expected her to come back, grab your keys, go back out and get the other car washed, too? Or did you want her to come help with the yard work that you were finishing instead of putting on PJs?
You can't expect all this stuff if you don't communicate and talk it over with each other. I know you're saying it's "common courtesy" or whatever, but obviously she doesn't see the same things as "common courtesy". You need to sit down and talk with her, CALMLY with no name-calling, and work out what you actually expect of each other.
Sheesh.
It sounds like she was just doing a quick chore before coming back. I sometimes do this. My husband does, too. Sometimes it runs long accidentally.
I don't particularly see anything wrong with washing one person's car and not the other's.
Really, why not focus on the fantastic romantic evening you spent together instead of these things?