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Mother's Day Dilemma
I'm looking for helpful advise. My husband told me today that for Mother's Day it had been decided by his sister and her husband's family that for Mother's Day the plan is to have lunch in a nice restaurant. I usually don't bring my parents along cause my mom likes to spend Mother's Day more privately so usually we spend a part of the day with my husband's family and part of the day with mine. Last year it was perfect. We had brunch with his family (not his sister's husband's family as well like this year) and then we went to lunch with my family at a sports bar cause my mom wanted to spend it watching her favorite basketball team's playoff game.
The issue this year is that they made lunch reservations for 2pm which is super late if I want to spend enough quality time with my mother. My husband already talked to his sister to see if they could change it to an earlier time but apparently her father in law had gotten a friend to make the reservations for him and it just didnt sound like there was a possibility or a willingness to change it. I got very upset because nobody consulted with us before making these plans knowing full well there is also my side of the family to consider.
I had a fight with my husband because I told him my mom would be upset if I show up to see her at 5:30/6 on Mother's Day especially since she has the day off from work. He did not like the idea of us going in the morning to his parent's and spending some time with his mom and then they can all go to their family lunch and we go do something with my mom. He thinks my mom should understand and I'm the one being unreasonable. Although my mom would understand that we have to split our time I know how sensitive she is and it would bother her if I don't spend as much time as possible with her that day. This holiday has always been a treasured one in my family.
Am in being unreasonable? Any suggestions?
Re: Mother's Day Dilemma
There are 365 each year (excepting Leap Year) and Mother's Day is 1 of them.
Why not deem the whole weekend, Mother's Day Weekend and strive to make Saturday for one of the families and Sunday for the other and then rotate who gets what day each year?
If it's about having quality, special time with the MIL and your Mom, why make the calendar date such a huge ordeal?
I don't know, maybe I see this differently since I do celebrate Chistmas early (in 2012 on the 15th) or late (in 2011 we celebrated Christmas over New Year's, which was actually 2012) as the families need. I just don't put much stock in the dates - it's more about the idea, feelings, and time well-spent. I don't care what the calendar says.
What mom would object to an entire weekend devoted to her???
With 3 mothers to visit, we definitely use the weekend as a Mother's Day weekend and make the rounds as best we can. We tend to see SMIL on Saturday, and then see my mother for lunchtime on Sunday and then MIL whenever we're done because she's not much of a planner and we can never set times with her. My older sister also has ILs to visit and is a mother herself, so we try to accommodate everyone as best we can with the mutual understanding that we all have other people to see. Sometimes, my sisters and I can't line up our schedules in sync so we do what we can. It's different every year, and that goes for most family day gatherings.
I think your ILs need to be reasonable, but so does your mother. Perhaps next year, you can spend the main part of the day with your mother and then see MIL later in the day, and continue to alternate each year the side of the family that you make your primary plans with.
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That sucks that you two are joined at the hip so much so that you cannot even go to a spa day with your sister and mother on mother's day.
You go with yours. He goes with his. Your marriage will not collapse because of this.
Chronically hilarious - you'll split your stitches!
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But I also agree w/ Red - everyone needs to be a little reasonable here. Your ILs, your DH, you, AND your mom. The fact that seeing her at 5:30 wouldn't be acceptable... I kind of roll my eyes at that. You're married and you have other people to fit into your life now. Everything can't be 100% about your family - and your mom needs to understand that.
Plus, what happens if you do eventually have kids and YOUR a mom too? Is your mom still going to be "sensitive" and be upset when they day doesn't revolve around her?
There is SO much room for compromise here - but it requires everyone being reasonable.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
This is what I was thinking with your update. He would cancel on his mom for mother's day because you wanted to go with your mom instead? That seems childish to me. I'm not sure how to approach it with your H since he seems to react very strongly to this. I just said "Hey DH, this is the first year everyone will be in town for mother's day. Do you want to take your mom out and I will take mine?" He said "Ok that sounds good." Not much discussion needed. Maybe if you say something like "Hey I know your mom is excited about her special lunch and SIL worked so hard to plan it. I don't want you to have to rush off, but I also want to make sure my mom gets her special time too. Why don't I take my mom to do (fill in blank) while you go to the lunch and enjoy time with your mom?" If he is thinking you need to acknowledge his mom as well, maybe get a nice card for her and/or a small gift for him to take.
I guess I'm in the minority in that I don't see the problem with DH doing something nice with his mom and me doing something nice with mine. While mother's day is important, I guess I don't see it like Christmas where we have to try and fit everyone in like that. I also don't see anything wrong with DH and I splitting up to do stuff like that. We spend every other holiday with both families, and we make sure to both be there for birthdays, etc.
Within the concept of compromise and being reasonable - your DH also needs to realize that this "grand plan" benefits his sister the most. She and her DH are spending the day w/ both of their moms. But the plans, clearly, don't work for YOU and your mom. (Even though I do still think that there is room for compromise w/ you and your mom too.....) YOUR priority isn't your SIL's MIL!!!
But on the flip- why can't you go and have breakfast w/ your mom? Go out early - 9ish. And then stay until 1:30. That's over 4 hours and a good chunk of your waking hours. Would your mom really be unhappy with that?
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
She nailed it, SIL is the one getting her perfect day here. The plans where made without consulting you and your H. Because of this you won't be able to attend and will be with your mother instead.
This isn't as hard as you are making it. SIL will continue to make these plans and do what she wants unless you make a point with her. She didn't consider how your mother would fit it to this at all. It's not her issue its yours.
H and I back home always spent Mother's Day with our mothers, it worked out great for us. When I became a mother it was my day and he had Mother's Day with his mom on Saturday. Things change as circumstances change.
I'm glad someone started a thread about Mother's Day because I'm dealing with my own issues with this and in the end have come to the conclusion that people just stress too much over this one day. I think it's great to honor our mothers, but at the same time, is the stress over this day really necessary?
I live in NY. My mother lives in Philly. Granted it's not THAT far (well, it can be if there's a ton of traffic, which is like 90% of the time), but I hardly ever go visit for a number of reasons, one of them being the fact that the cost in gas/tolls/etc is just obscene, but then there's other stuff too that I just don't go down very often anymore. I'm still undecided on whether or not go down there this weekend - but I'm considering sending a card and then inviting my mother to come up here one weekend and we'll do something fun, just us. Personally, I think this option would be best because my mom really could use a weekend away from home.
My SIL, whose true colors are really starting to come out to me especially in the last year - took it upon herself to do some similar thing that OP is complaining about. Like making plans without really asking us what we were going to do and essentially putting me and H both on the spot and saying that SHE wants to do a lunch with MIL and since MIL never wants anyone to 'spend money', SIL said 'we'll just have lunch at your house'. Not asking if this was ok, basically saying that this is what we were doing. Ummm....no. Just no. Thank goodness my H had enough sense to shut her down on that one and say we'll think about it and let her know. I mean, look, we're not opposed to it, but don't put us both on the spot and expect us to make a decision right that minute, especially when it comes to something that involves OUR house, NOT yours. That's just plain rude. This has been her MO as of late, but she's going to learn the hard way that she's not going to dictate to me or my H what we should be doing.
Anywho....I'm liking the advice others have on the subject, so thanks for the input....
So how does he want to celebrate Mother's Day with the two of you when you aren't a mother? Does he feel the same about Father's Day? Arbor Day? It is more important to him that you are together all the time than to honor his mother on Mother's Day? I find this a really strange attitude and very co-dependent.
You're painting not such a great picture of your DH, to be honest. This seriously makes him sound obtuse and unreasonable. And I wonder what else is really behind this with him. Does he feel it would look bad to his BILs family if you aren't there to celebrate his mom?
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
I don't konw. Something just feels off.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
I don't see why EastCoast's idea of doing a breakfast with your mom isn't an option. You said she has the day off?
That aside, your DH is being unreasonable. He's saying it's so important to spend the day together. NO. It's important to spend it honoring your mother. If I lived near my mother I would put her first regardless of what my ILs had going on. He can either propose a way for you both to spend it with both moms that day or he can spend the day alone.
So your H is controlling? Your H can't allow or stand the idea of you out spending time with your mother? His wants and family plans come before your wants and family?
Good Luck.
I'm not reading this as your H being obtuse I'm reading it as he is controlling and abusive. Looking back it seems that your point in this post is how to not upset your H.
Yes, no need to stress too much, but at the same time, you guys should be able to spend ONE DAY without each other. You realize this, right?
Are you guys going to be joined at the hip like this 10-20-30 years from now? It's not healthy.
You should also not be letting others dictate to you what you will be/should be doing without actually asking you guys if that's ok - you and your H are a team and I would put your foot down about this stuff now before it becomes and even bigger problem.
I read it that A - her mom wants to do a "private" thing so doing a combined meal w/ both moms isn't an option AND B - if OP suggested coming over around 5:30/6, her mom would be upset that she wasn't getting more time.
The OP may very well want more time w/ her mom as well, but there is DEFINITELY a pressure there too that is being driven by her mom.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
You and your H listen and do what your SIL tells you? SILs FIL made this plan and reservations? Heck no I wouldn't go.
Tell your H that his sister and her in laws made these plans and he will go to this and you will spend the day with your mother. Yes, sometimes it is okay to tell your H to screw off. Really, it's okay.
That's true too, but I think the even bigger issue is the SIL and H in this situation. My SIL is pulling similar thing with the plans for mother's day....for me, I almost want to tell her 'you go ahead and do whatever it is you are going to do and let us do whatever it is that we want to do.'
It doesn't matter when you celebrate the holiday. See your Mom on Saturday. Or the following Sunday. It makes no difference.
I'm sorry, I really just can't get past the fact that he feels that Mother's Day is about the 2 of you spending time together "even though you don't have kids yet". I just can't. How could he even say such a thing with a straight face? And how did you hear that and just nod along like "I see, you make a valid point there"?
Mother's Day is about mothers. No kids = Mother's Day not being about you and your SO spending time together. My head is actually on the verge of exploding trying to process this.
I'm more than willing to start validating people's ideas when they start having ideas worth validating
This is what bugs me about all of this. You're mom wants the celebration to be "private" and doesn't want to share, your DH very, very, very oddly thinks this is a day where the two of you NEED to be together "even though you don' thave kids".
You're being pulled in two (IMO) unrealistic directions. And I feel like YOU need to start establishing some reasonable expectations/boundaries w/ ALL parties involved.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10