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Dealing with death the day after my wedding
My wedding day memories aren't quite what I thought they would be. The actual wedding was beautiful. Perfect. Everything I wanted it to be. The morning after my wedding, I was awoken by a phone call from my mom. She was hysterical. She screamed into the phone all of my worst nightmares. My nephew and ring bearer, only 19 months old, had passed away in his sleep, on the night of my wedding.
This little boy was absolutely everything to my family. My heart wrenches in pain every time I think of him. My sister, his mother is my best friend and was my maid of honor. She lives close to me and I see her family many times a week. I don't have children of my own yet, so Ethan, her son was very special to me. Not only am I in severe pain over his loss, but every time I think of my wedding, look at the photos or video, I feel even more pain. I hate my wedding and everything about it. I hate that I spent so much time planning that one day in my life while Ethan's life was on a countdown and would end just hours after my wedding. I wasn't spending as much time with him as I usually would have and I feel like I missed out on spending time with him that I can never get back.
We don't know what happened to him. The doctors can only assume SIDS. To add to my sister's horror, she lost a full-term baby 4 years ago. Ethan was her sunshine after losing Paige. Our lives have been forever turned upside down. It's been 7 months since my wedding. Since Ethan passed away. It doesn't get better with time, and nothing makes it feel better. Life is so incredibly cruel and unfair.
One thing I can say, is that I married one amazing man. Although I have horribly bitter feelings about our wedding. I love my husband and couldn't imagine being married to anyone else. I just want to forget our wedding and erase the pain associated with it, but that would mean forgetting Ethan, and I wouldn't dare. On day 1 of our marriage, our lives were forever rocked.
Has anyone else experienced anything like this before, or know someone who has? I feel like I am living such an unusual case and no one can relate.
Re: Dealing with death the day after my wedding
Horrific. Sorry for your loss.
Have you and he considered bereavement therapy? Lots of churches and houses of worship host them.
I am sure the SIDS website can help, also:
http://www.sids.org/
Maybe there is a support group you can attend.
I like the idea of planting something in honor of the loved one. Get a nice bunch of spring bulbs and in the fall, plant something pretty like daffodils or narcissus --- get a nice sized bag, dig a trench and plant the bulbs. You'll have a nice memorial IHO Ethan every April when they bloom -- and in July, also, when something like a dahlia blooms.:)
I've thought about planting a tree in my front yard. We just need to get around to doing it.
We went to a counselor one time as a family a few days after he passed away. It seemed to do more harm than good so we didn't go again. I was more upset after we left because I felt like she couldn't relate to any of us or what we're going through. We also live in a small town, and have had a tough time finding a support group directly related to the loss of a child. Knowing the hurt I feel, my sister and her husband's pain is unimaginable. Both of their children have passed away and they are left with empty bedrooms in their home. Mother's day will be awful for them. They have tried for a baby for 7 months now and found out last week they are pregnant. Only a month along so far. My family is walking on pins and needles. I pray this child remains healthy and brings them the strength they need so much.
Oh. My God. I'm so, so sorry for your loss. I can't begin to imagine the pain you all must be feeling--especially your poor sister.
I have not experienced something similar, but I do know someone who has. When my grandmother was a young woman (still a teenager, I think) her mother passed away the night before my grandmother was supposed to get married. It was a very sudden, unexpected death (a heart attack) and what was supposed to be the happiest day of my grandmother's life instantly became one of the most horrible. SHe and my grandfather ended up getting married a few weeks later; they had a small ceremony at a restaurant. My grandmother says that she really didn't enjoy the day because she missed her mother so much. And I know that she feels sad every time she looks at the pictures. When I was finally old enough to understand what had happened, I looked at the pictures with her and actually cried because I felt so bad for what my grandmother had gone through.
I can't think of anything to end this post with that would possibly ease the pain of losing your nephew. However, I can tell you that, despite the horrific start to their married lives, my grandmother and grandfather had a long, happy marriage, and were together right up until my grandfather's death a few years ago. Even though your wedding is causing you great pain right now (and it probably always will to a point) you can still say that you married a wonderful man. The way I see it, every life has its share of pain, and at least you have a great partner who can help you through it. Not everyone can say that.
TTC since June 2012
It's been impossible to detach the heartache associated with my wedding. I have yet to print even one photo so far and we were married in September. Ethan was running a fever the day of our wedding. Since our wedding was outside and it was really warm that day, my sister didn't want him to be in the heat. Shortly after the ceremony her mother-in-law picked him up. We were able to get 2 or 3 family photos before he left. He was gone before I realized. Right before we were announced into our reception, someone told me he left. I was upset that I didn't get to kiss him goodbye. And then I never saw his smiling face again. That was it. It really is impossible to separate the two events. They are too intertwined. And I hate that my sister was with me at my wedding reception instead of caring for him. He had only a few hours left. I realize no one could ever have imagined what was to come, but it doesn't matter. I still feel the way I feel. Every wedding anniversary for the rest of my life will be filled with sadness. And when my future children look at my wedding photos, they'll wonder who that beautiful blonde haired, blue eyed baby was. They'll never understand how important he was to us. It's been 7 months but still feels like yesterday.
It makes me sick to hear other brides whining about how their day didn't turn out the way they had hoped. "The caterer didn't...", "Our DJ didn't play the right songs", "The best man said this..."
People have no clue...
I'm so sorry. My heart breaks for you & your family. My grandmother passed the night of my wedding, however, that is far different from your case. Death is hard no matter what but usually with grandparents you can smile knowing they lived a long happy life. So there is no relating to your devestating story.
"Faith doesnt get us around adversity, it gets us through it
"
I'm so incredibly sorry for your loss! The loss of a child, especially so sudden and when he was so young, has to be absolutely heart-wrenching.
I highly recommend "shopping around" for a good counselor/therapist. It took me 3 of them before I found one that really fits my troubles and personality.
Have you considered renewing your vows? I wonder if a part of what you're going through is the normal grieving process, but I think in your position I'd be grieving a LOT for a nephew, but also a bit for my wedding! With so many photos and memories that are all affected by your loss maybe renewing your vows, complete with close family and a small photo package, could be a way to create NEW memories?
On a side note: has your sister considered genetic testing?
When we rescheduled our honeymoon for December, we did a Christmas themed photo shoot and got all dressed up again, like on our wedding day. I actually love these photos. I think of just me and my husband when I see them. I can truly smile when I look at these photos.
I've thought about renewing my vows but I just don't really know what the point would be. Ethan was at our ceremony so that makes it all the more special. He wouldn't be at the vow renewing so I just can't bring myself to do it. Our family feels so incomplete without him and gatherings like that make it all the more obvious that he's missing.
My sister has thought about genetic testing but decided not to do it. As far as we know, it could take 6-12 months. She lost her first baby after the umbilical cord wrapped around her neck. It was a total fluke. An accident. There was nothing wrong with her. With Ethan, he had a history of febrile seizures, which the doctors swore up, down and sideways for months that he was totally healthy and would out grow them. So we have our suspicions that he may have had a seizure in his sleep and didn't snap out of it, considering he had a fever during our wedding ceremony. The whole thing is really just surreal. It's hard to believe all this happened.
Try another counselor, as somebody suggested. See if the SIDS website can suggest something for you also.
My first child passed away when she was four months old. I didn't go to counseling for several months after she passed, but eventually I did because I just knew that I needed help. I honestly believe that going to grief counseling was one of the healthiest decisions I ever made.
I encourage you to try again.
Counseling has been something a lot of people have mentioned, but my sister won't go. We've tried so many times to talk to her about it and she's not budging. My siblings and I have gone through my parent's divorce when we were in middle and high school, then my younger sister lost her baby, Paige. I think everyone just feels like they are surviving just fine without counseling right up until September. Now Ethan has passed, which doesn't even come close to the other tragedies. We have a very close knit family and we lean on each other, so I feel like I'm getting the support I need through them. But I don't think my sister can get the support she needs from us alone. I wish she would seek more help than just us. She's been in high spirits lately after finding out she's newly pregnant, but nothing will completely heal the hole in her heart from Ethan. She has said she will only talk to someone who has suffered a similar loss. She won't talk to someone who lost their husband, wife or friend. It's not the same type of loss. She found a local group of women who had suffered similar losses, which were between 5 and 8 years ago. They're all still doing really bad. They can't call themselves functioning adults and they practically told my sister that if she isn't crying daily then she isn't grieving properly. They criticized her for how she dealt with her first loss too. They meet up regularly to continue having a pity party and instead of leaning on each other to grow stronger, they just sit and stew in the same exact place as day one. It was an unhealthy environment for my sister and she realized it immediately. She thanked the women for reaching out to her but she never met with them again. I think these women and the first counselor our family met with really put a bad taste in my sister's mouth about seeking help, which is understandable. I just wish she'd try again to find someone to talk to.
If anyone knows someone who has lost a toddler and was left childless (as she currently is), please let me know if you would be willing to reach out to her. I don't know if she'll return an email, but at least she'll know you're there if she wants to talk.
I know what you are going through. A few weeks after my wedding my best friend died. She slipped in the shower and hit her head, she was 29. My wedding day was the last day I saw her and we were friends since age 5.
Although my husband is great and very supportive, what really helped me was a psychoanalist, she helped me through the grief and I am doing a lot better now. I can look at my wedding pictures and be happy, not sad.
It is very hard to accept that loved ones are no longer part of your live, this wasn't supposed to happen to you or your sister. You are going to be sad, angry and feel a lot of things but eventually you will realize that your nephew was a very important person in one part of your life and now you will live without him.
All I can say is that I have never lived anything more painful and difficult in my life. But I got through and you will too.
I am so sorry about this horrible loss your family is suffering.
You're right when you say that your sister will need a lot of support to get through this, but I can also understand how her previous experiences with counseling and that grief group would make her wary of giving it another try. In the end, unfortunately, she is the only one who can decide if or when she wants to reach out for professional or community help. No one else can force it on her.
As to your own grief... I know that looking at your wedding photos will be very difficult for some time, and you may well hate those reminders of the big day right now because it's the same day that Ethan passed away. But I also hope that at some point down the road, you can look at it this way: you were one of the last people he got to see during his short time on earth, and it sounds like you must have made him very happy, even when he wasn't feeling well. In a world where too many kids are abused or neglected, Ethan was a much loved and fortunate little boy to have family who were so devoted to him.
Just from reading how you speak of him, I know that you must have been an amazing aunt to Ethan, and that you married a wonderful man who would have been his amazing uncle. You two will also have an opportunity to be that amazing aunt and uncle to the new baby when he or she arrives. No one will ever take Ethan's place; he was a blessing to be sure, but I would encourage you to try to remember that you, your husband and your family are blessings as well. I'm confident that your nephew loved you all, that you made him smile just as much as he made you smile, and that he would want you to carry that love with you as you try to get through every day.
Sending good thoughts your way during this very sad and difficult time. Again, I am so sorry.
I am very sorry for your loss. Losing a child is unbearable.
I can offer two things. First, my uncle died the day after our wedding. So I know almost exactly what you are feeling although its a bit easier to lose an adult than a child. We didn't postpone the HM b/c everybody screamed at us to go. The uncle was also on the other side of the country & had been too ill to come to the wedding. I was really torn b/c I knew if I didn't take her my elderly mother (his sister) couldn't go but all in all it was just too much.
You will never forget your nephew but somehow you have to re-write the script in your head. Your family was blessed by this angel of a child who came down from heaven to spend time with you on his last day. His last day was a happy one -- filled with family & joy. He was taken from you all much too soon but for your own peace of mind & heart find ways to celebrate his too short life, not mourn his death or chip away at the foundations of your love.
I am sorry for your loss that is so heartbreaking. It will be hard but time does heal things. I know those pictures are hard to look at right now but later you will be grateful for them. It hurts that this happened right after your day but this family event helps giving you memories of how he was right in that moment a happy carefree little boy.
I work with a photographer and one of our clients did maternity photos with us. She had her baby we had her newborn pics schedules a few days later. Just a few days after she was born she passed away from SIDS. The mom had a hard time looking at those photos for months but it has been a year now. And she has told us she is glad she took them. They bring back painful memories but also good ones more good than bad. She just had another child and he healthy and thriving. She now has those photos to tell her other children about their sister.
We had another client we did her wedding pictures and 3 weeks later her husband passed away he was 27. Things happen but they have those good memories to look back on to remember their loved one in those happy moments not in their death. It will take time but your family can heal.
Praying for your family.
"A women who can kneel before the Lord can stand up to anything"