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married to a man unwilling to try
Hi. I'm new to the nest. My husband and I have been married for 3 years. We have 2 kids (age 2 and 9mths).
In the beginning of our relationship & marriage we were super in love. Typical honeymoon stage - we did everything together. We married young while still in college.
During that time, though, there were many red flags that I ignored. The biggest being the multiple people who warned me or tried to alert me of how unhealthy the relationship seemed to be for me.
DH is not a bad guy at all and means very well in all that he does. However, he has always been extremely irresponsible.
*Failed out of 3 different schools and owes money to all of them.
*Has never paid through the end of a contract on his own without going into debt or having myself or his parents bail him out (bank accounts, studen loans, phone contracts, etc.)
*Has failed to apply for a new/replacement drivers license for 3 years.
*Just got fired from his job at a church for not showing up on time repeatedly, missing a couple of services and not being prepared.
We went to counseling. He stopped attending with me but I have been attending on my own. It was suggested by his primary care and by our therapist that he see a psychiatrist because he has been dealing with some pretty extreme depression. That was back in January. His primary care dr. sat with him as he finaly scheduled an appointment but he canceled it at the last minute.
HIm going to this appointment was so vital to us keeping out marriage together because I felt like if he was at least officially diagnosed and maybe had some medication to help him get into a better mental state, there would be some hope for our relationship and our family.
I am now at a loss for what to do. I want to do the best for my girls and for myself. Any advice?
Re: married to a man unwilling to try
Is it possible that your H may have a learning disability or some other problem that is causing his inability to maintain a goal and to also stay in school and stay on target with it?
I suggest that he be tested for a learning disability or some other issue. If he hasn't dropped out of his last school, there is a student services there, I am sure; he needs to make an appointment with somebody who can get to the root of what is happening here.
Indeed depression may be his problem. He needs to see a health care professional as soon as posssible.
This is very bad news and needs immediate atttention:
*Has never paid through the end of a contract on his own without going into debt or having myself or his parents bail him out (bank accounts, studen loans, phone contracts, etc.)
I would hate to see your credit, or his, decimated, because of this problem.
Wishing you both luck. Let us know what happens.
Here is the thing:
He has to want to go. He has to be motivated and self-aware that he's got a problem and that he needs to have something done about it.
Otherwise this won't amount to a hill of beans if he refuses to go and you force him to do so.
It would be a good idea for you to see a counselor on your own. This is a lot that is on your plate and the stress is terrible for you.
Do yourself and him a favor:
Run a credit check on the both of you.
Make sure all checks out and what's there is all accounted for. Better to be safe than sorry.
Wishing you luck.
Yes, there could be something bigger here. But I'm also wondering what repercussions he's had to face in the past over these issues? Clearly- he recently lost his job.
But not renewing his license? Has anything actually happened to him because of it? The time you or his parents bail him out... I'm just wondering if he's always being "saved" so therefore keeps making poor decisions because he's never REALLY had to feel the hurt of his choices.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
I get what you are saying about it being for better for worse. But I think there is a limit when it comes to your spouse ACTIVELY making things worse for a couple. Your H clearly has problems, whether they stem from a mental illness or not. You can't truly know, because he won't go to a doctor and get help. That is actively making both of your lives harder. He has to know that this isn't right and that he is struggling much more than the average person.
Life sucks sometimes, and maybe he does have some underlying mental issue, but that does not excuse him not taking any attempts to help himself.