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Need a parents perspective
We have another couple that we hang out with, who met through my DH. The girl, Katie, is a single mom of a four year old. Lately it has been a bit frustrating because when we get together, she brings her son, and many times its just not appropriate. We were invited to a friends house for dinner a few weeks ago, and when Katie and her bf showed up, they also brought FIVE KIDS with them. She was supposed to be baby sitting but wanted to come to the dinner too, so she brought the whole clan with her. I do not mind kids, but what I do mind is when other adults are expected to entertain them. The whole time after dinner, Katie was kissy facing with her new bf and all the rest of us were playing with the kids because they were running wild and getting into everything.
Last nite another couple invited everyone over for drinks and a bonfire. Sure enough, Katie showed up with her son and nephew, and then later left and came back with some other relatives kid. It sucks because we all just wanted to quietly kick back and enjoy some adult company. None of our other friends have young children, and the couple that invited us over do not even like kids. We were playing pool and she made her bf stop the game he was playing with DH to teach her kid to play. So once again, we were supposed to entertain her kid.
Are we wrong to be annoyed? I understand that maybe she doesn't have a lot of child care options but I feel like she should ask, or just stay home if she has so many kids with her. Our friends were so mad when they saw her and the kids yesterday, and it in turn made her mad. Is anyone else the only one of their friends who have kids?
Re: Need a parents perspective
She's rude. I always ask if the event is kid friendly or if I should get a sitter. If it's not kid friendly and I can't get a sitter, I don't go.
These examples - she's rude. And moving forward, I think it needs to start being clearly stated "this is an adults only event". I mean - she's BABYSITTING and brings all the kids? Someone needs to talk to her. Let her get mad, but she needs to clue in. At least w bringing OTHER kids.
However, how often do you all get together and how often do you all have kid friendly get togethers? She's a single mom and sitters are expensive. How often are you asking her to get a sitter?
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
Have to add - $$ aside, I had a child to be with my child. DH and I do a fair amount w/o Ds. But if too much stuff starts to pile up that involves getting a sitter, we start to decline. Too many "no kid" events too often - not doing it. DH and I want to spend time with Ds.
This doesn't excuse her showing up w 5 kids, and she absolutely needs to figure out for herself if her child is welcome.
But again - if she's the only one w a kid - do you all make any effort to include her child when you can?
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
You need to lose Katie...and the entire platoon she brings with her.
It's also rude to bring additional people into a home where you and perhaps one invitee are the invited guests.
She's got no respect for what goes and what does not when she is a guest in somebody's home.
DH and I are the only childfree couple in our group of friends, and reading this makes me SO glad that we have awesome friends! They always ask if we suggest going somewhere if they can take their kids (we always say yes . . .with just the two of us we get plenty of adult time). Whenever facebook invitations are made everyone is very clear about whether it is adults only or if kids are invited. And when it comes to hanging out one on one, we usually go to their house since they have the kids and all their toys are at their house :-)
Next time you invite Katie to something I would definitely tell her whether or not she can bring the kids . . . and specifically how many. Also maybe she could host from time to time?
We do not ever really *plan* kid-friendly things because 1) she is the only one with a kid and 2) she never tells us she is bringing her kid(s). For example, the bonfire thing the other night, the hosts called a few people and said "hey lets all have drinks and chill at our place." She and her bf said they were coming and bringing snacks. They never mentioned the kids, they just showed up with them. This happens all the time when she and her bf are asked to come hang out. Sometimes there are kids, sometimes there are not. We never know what we are going to get. But even though we do not *plan* kid-friendly things, our evening always ends up with my DH and/or her BF entertaining the kids. My DH loves children so he always is in there goofing around and playing with them while she sits and talks to other adults. I guess I kind of feel like its a bit unfair to us. We didn't come to this to entertain your pile of kids. I usually end up watching the kids when I notice that no one else is. One time I was standing there talking to Katie and realized that her son was crawling all over our friends tractor. When I pointed it out to her she said "Oh its okay, his grandpa has one." I still didn't feel right leaving an unattended child on a farm implement, so I ended up watching him the rest of the evening.
I am glad (I guess) to hear that we are not really the rude ones here. I just felt a bit conflicted because while I'm sure it isn't easy being a mom, I also feel like I would rather she decline to come out instead of turning guests into her babysitters. One PP asked how often we ask her to come out.... I would say weekly someone invites our group of friends to something. The other crappy part is even if someone invited her bf, she comes too and maybe has kids with her. Like I said before, we let her know when something is going on and we either get Katie, or Katie +1, or Katie +10. We never know till she gets there.
Well, there are a few things going on here.
Again, yes, she's rude on aspects of this. But I also feel there is a huge communication issue too.
I think you all need to start TELLING HER "This is an adult only event". If she's the only one w a kid and "you all" are planning weekly get togethers that aren't specifically stated to be "adults only", she may simply feel that "of course" her LO is invited because otherwise, you'd possibly never see her.
This does not excuse her rudeness at bringing OTHER kids. And on the issue of other people watching her child - I feel you on that, but at the same time, you are kind of taking it on yourself. You don't have to watch her child.
But this is also where the host could say to her (when she says "Oh, his grandpa has one") "Well, Katie, I'm really not comfortable with LO climbing up there. Please take him off or go over there and stand with him. Thanks!".
But I'm also looking at this from her perspective. You all plan weekly events and you admit that they aren't ever really "kid friendly". AND she's a single mom. How do you think it would make you feel if you were the only parent and all your friends specifically planned all their get togethers to be "adult only" events? That would mean she has to get a sitter EVERY week. Or she would never get to see you all anymore. REALLY try to channel how all this affects her.
I just feel like, as her friends, it might be nice if you all could make some attempt to plan things where you won't have a problem w/ her bringing her son. Do this in conjunction with realizing that you aren't responsible for her son and/or speaking up and getting her to watch her child.
There has to be some middle ground here.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
One thing to add - don't forget to let your friend know which events are adults only and which ones she can bring her kid. Communication is key here.
Instead of entertaining the kids she brings when they get rowdy, why don't you just yell at them, and then tell Katie to watch her brood?
Ugh. I'd probably do this, to make the point, and then stop inviting Katie anywhere, ever.
You hit the nail on the head there. She's definitely being rude if she's not asking ahead of time if the kids are welcome. And she's being especially rude for not actually caring for the children when they are in her company. Her friends are going to start dropping like flies if she keeps this up.
The only suggestion I can make is that the next time your friends get together, the host needs to contact this friend and tell her the children aren't welcome. She has the option of figuring out child care or declining.
The funny thing about this is that she is constantly yelling at her LO. I told DH I don't think I have ever heard her say anything gently to him. The kids will be running wild and bothering everyone else, but as soon as they approach her or call for her she freaks out. So then not only are guests juggling her kids, but we also have to deal with her yelling and being miserable. I think we are going to start asking if her kid(s) are with her though, like everyone suggested. But what is a polite way to tell her a setting is not appropriate for them?
I think to ask "what kids are you going to have?" and THEN say "Sorry- can't bring them" is going to be awkward. If you just say "adults only" from the get go, then it's not about the kids.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
There is no polite way, because this woman doesn't get appropriate social behavior or notice social cues. You're going to have to be blunt. If you do want to continue to be friends, then you might have to take her aside and tell her that bringing not only her kid but a bunch of random kids uninvited everywhere is inappropriate, because I guarantee you that your friend group is not the only one who thinks she's an annoying clod.