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Feeling Like I'm Not Good Enouph
My fianc? and I have been together for over a year and a half and we are getting married in October. I know he loves me and he is always telling me I'm beautiful. The biggest struggle in our relationship is my insecurities because I don't feel good enough. I am a bigger girl and don't know how anyone could think I'm pretty let alone want to marry me.
When we started dating I was a virgin but he was not and he had been previously engaged. In our relationship I always want sex more then he does and I feel like he doesn't want to because of how I look.
A couple months ago, I'm not sure how it was brought up but we were talking about his past girlfriends and he mentioned I am not the best sex he has had.
This doesn't surprise me cause well I'm inexperienced. But now I feel completely inadequate and I'm not sure how to shake this feeling.
He loves me and I know he doesn't want anyone else but how do realize that I am enough for him even if I will never be his best?
Also you have any tips or suggestions to be better?
Re: Feeling Like I'm Not Good Enouph
Have you talked to him about how you feel? More specifically, have you mentioned that his recent admission is really getting to you? I'm sure he didn't mean to rock your confidence, and talking about that and what you two do like about your sex life would be a productive conversation, I think
Try not to resign yourself to "never being his best." What you have that no one's ever had with him before is an entire lifetime ahead of you to explore what you both like. Ask him what he would like to try with you, or what his fantasies are, decide on a couple you're comfortable with, and give them a shot.
"You know you're in love when you don't want to fall asleep because reality is finally better than your dreams." - Dr. SeussWe have talked about it. He feels horrible that I think I'm not enough. I have asked him several times if he ever wants to try anything new to just let me know. He says he's happy with what we have been doing.
To be honest I would rather mix things up but I honestly don't know what to do. I feel like I'm limited cause I'm bigger.
I am excited to spend our lives together and learn how to be our best for each other, I just don't know what else to do.
Why would he say that to you? Why would ANYONE tell their fiance that they've 'had better sex'? It's perfectly reasonable to talk about specific things you'd like to do, try, change, explore, etc in a sexual relationship but NO ONE should be telling you you're mediocre. Especially not the man you're marrying! Has he apologized? I'd start there. Be really honest about how much this hurt you and how much it's impacted your already fragile self esteem?
It's not his job to make you feel good about yourself, but it is his job to love you with his whole self and encourage you for all the reasons you're the amazing woman he is engaged to! You clearly need to do some work on how you see yourself. There is NO reason your sex life is limited because you're not a tiny woman. It's all in your head.
All of this! That's a crappy thing to tell your FI, especially if he or she is already prone to insecurity. It's like throwing salt on the wound.
I agree completely with PPs that what your FI said was not nice to say, whether he meant it to be or not. I think you definitely deserve an apology, if he didn't already apologize when you spoke to him about it.
Honestly, though, people have different chemistry with different people, and it could just be the case that he had some wild fling with someone he otherwise didn't get along with. That's nothing personal, and it has nothing to do with your size. He has chosen to spend his life with you because he loves you for who you are, and he loves having sex with you.
Given that you two have talked about trying new things and he's been less than enthusiastic, you have the opportunity to try things that sound fun to you. Grab a sex book, read some articles on the internet, think about your own fantasies, and point out some things that sound like fun to you. I'm sure your FI would be happy about your enthusiasm.
I saw an article the other day that your post reminded me of:
http://www.xojane.com/healthy/things-no-one-will-tell-fat-girls-so-i-will
I think this link from it is relevant in particular:
http://persephonemagazine.com/2012/03/01/fat-sex-what-everyone-wants-to-know-but-is-afraid-to-ask/
And the book recommended in that second article sounds great:
http://www.amazon.com/Big-Love-Revised-Relationships-People/product-reviews/158761085X/ref=dp_top_cm_cr_acr_txt?ie=UTF8&showViewpoints=1
Good luck!
"You know you're in love when you don't want to fall asleep because reality is finally better than your dreams." - Dr. SeussHave a look at the gorgeous ladies that are larger and love it: Queen Latifah, Christina Hendricks, Camryn Manheim are a few of them.:)
Have a look at what Christina H wears when she's appearing as Joan on Mad Men --- lots of bold colors like reds and royal blues and vivid purples and earthy hunter greens --- square necklines, sheath dresses --- I had a coworker who was a size 24 and sheath dresses was all she wore to work. She looked smashing.
Look into wearing those colors and those silhouettes and those type of necklines.
It is all about self confidence, not size.:)
What I do not like is that he said you were not the best sex he had.
How the heck is that somebody who LOVES you??? He needs to find another way to express himself --- "honey, we are red hot and I love sex with us; how can we be even hotter than we are" -- something like that would work!
He can also take the lead in sex: guide you into a different position. Or tell you "ohh baby...put your hand there" or "touch this" or "oooh more of that" and guide your hand or mouth so that he shows you what this or that IS that he finds so hot!!!
Telling you you're beautiful but he's telling you sex with you ain't the greatest. He ain't honest, either. Great guy.
Put this wedding on hold until YOU solve the problem to your full satisfaction -- you can think about doing that -- but to tell you the truth, I'd wonder what kind of a future I am going to have with a guy who has no tact at all. And I'd wonder what kind of a future I can have with a guy who isn't on the same page as me as far as sex goes.
Maybe you ought to drop "200 pesky pounds" immediately....and find another guy who knows you are red hot, loves your body as is AND loves having lots of sex with you. What do you think?
Not every guy out thre likes a size 8 or a size 10. Same as there are women out there who love the teddy bear type of man.:)
Considering he's got such the big problem with sex with you?
You shouldn't take this douchebag on a bet.
Thanks Ladies, those were some great articels and advice.
I don't want you to think he is bad guy, cause he is not. He said something stupid and he regrets it and he has apologized. Unfortunately apologizes don't fix insecurities.
I think we really just need to talk about the issue and what we can do to make things better for the both of us. I am normally the one that brings up his past girlfriends and worry that I wont compare to them. He is the one that tells me to forget about them that he chose me. But I still want to be able to please him.
I also need to learn to be comfortable with my body. Because he loves me and thinks I'm beautiful and gets so frustrated with me when I try to deny it.
Most of the fault is mine for bringing up the past. Guys say stupid things all the time, you can't kick him to the curb for one bad mistake.
Why did he even say it at all?
ANd even if he found a *tactful* way to put it, why did he say it???
This is what bothers me and bothers me a lot. He loves you and thinks you're fabulous yet he said what he said.
I can suggest sex manuals, masturbation for you, working on the issue together and some sort of counseling for you so that you start feeling better about yourself --- I think your self esteem is a bit less than it should be because wow, when he said that, you should have hit the roof.
I can't figure out if you're sugar coating this or that you somehow don't think it's a big deal.
I woldn't marry this guy until he found a way to clean up his act and learns how to communicate with tact.