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But we just moved.... [Update]
So my boyfriend and I recently moved in together like just over a week ago, and now because of where the place is, he wants to move. Our new place backs up to a main road that has almost constant traffic, and especially truck traffic. There is very little blockage from the road, we have a few trees, but there isn't nearly the amount we need nor is there a retaining wall. I don't notice the noise that much because I don't have an issue blocking the noise out. My bf, however is having a nightmare of a time trying to cope. We have slept in our bedroom maybe twice (the window faces that main road) but he hardly slept. Then we tried sleeping in the basement, which is creepy as heck for me, and cold (after talking to him, he didn't like sleeping there either). So last night we slept in the second bedroom where it faces our street which is a very quiet neighborhood street that dead ends two houses down. We talked for a little bit this morning before he went to work, and he said he slept better last night and it was nicer, but he said "I can't live here for a year." He told me that he didn't have an issue until we slept there the first night. Which made me feel a tiny bit better because that means he didn't have an issue and then not say anything to me.
Now to add to all this, he still has his old place, which is less then half the size of our current place. He still has his place because it would have cost too much to break his lease two months early, so he has that until June 30. But he has a business that he also runs out of his apartment, which takes up a lot of room. It is why we got the new place, so he could have the entire basement to run his business and do what he wants with it. He told me he wants to just move back into that place, and that was the first time I ever flat out said no to him. It is too small, and then I'm afraid that he will never want to leave. He has lived there for 6 years, so I understand that it is a place of comfort and security for him.
Please understand, we talk every day about this, and he sees a counselor on a regular basis. I will be going with him this week so we can talk about this with a third person in the room. I have talked to him about my fears of having something else happen with another place.
I love this new place, like really love it. I feel like I hit the kitchen lottery on this place. And it is so pretty and full of light here. I have told him that a part of me feels like no matter what we find, it will be a giant step down from this place, and then I will be miserable. He has been battling anxiety and depression since that first night. So I know we can't stay here for long term for his own mental and eventually physical health. Our relationship is solid, and I feel comfortable in saying that because we are in constant communication about this, and about every aspect in our lives and relationship. I know going to the counselor will help, but in the mean time (we see her on Wed) I'm afraid of saying things that will hurt his feelings and make him feel worse then he already does. He feels terrible that he is causing this to happen, but I know and tell him it isn't his fault and it isn't something he can help. I'm not sure what I'm looking for, but it feels good to at least write about it.
UPDATE: So we went to counseling yesterday, and we were able to clear a few things up. What he was feeling like the entire burden of everything is on his shoulders, and he has a hard time reminding himself that he has another pair of shoulders to lean on (mine). I have told him repeatedly that I can ship items out for his business, which I have helped with before, but I don't know how to do it on my own because I've never been shown. Now finally I think he will hand the shipping reigns over to me, because not only will it help him with the business, but he hates shipping and I used to work for an online company that did a lot of shipping. So not only am I experienced in it, but I don't mind doing it. So that helped to figure that out, which will alleviate some of the stress he has about his business. Then we talked some more about the new place and right now the solution is, we will be sleeping in that second bedroom, and I can finally unpack. We will however continue to look for different places to live in the mean time. If we have to pack up again, then we have to unpack again. But he talked about us getting more bookshelves and media storage again yesterday, which sounds like no big deal, but he hasn't mentioned getting anything for the new place in quite some time. So we may go do that this weekend, which will be really nice. Things are getting better, and I feel like I'm less in limbo and can do things around the house. We have made progress, and I think he feels better with at least a decision being made, and we will make a solid effort to find somewhere else that we both love. We will be going back next week too just to keep things up. But that is all I have now! Thanks ladies.
Re: But we just moved.... [Update]
Work on this together. That's what matters in the long run.
As much as I like the idea of moving back into his place for him to be happy, I would be the one who would then be miserable. That place is physically too small for what we have (like I said he has a business, and that takes up a lot of room) and I would hate living there. It is dark, it has the worst kitchen, and it is tiny. Not to mention it is upstairs, I have paid my dues on walking up stairs and I can't tell you how much I HATE carrying groceries upstairs. I have told him all this, and he knows how I feel if we have to move back in there. He in turn doesn't want me to be miserable because then as he said "we would be back to square one" It is a wonderful and hard thing when two people want nothing more then to make the other person happy. I know ultimately that is what we are trying to do, have the other person be happy and healthy. And I did look up depression, but I'll look more on anxiety as well. He was afraid that I am mad at him or angry, but I'm not, and have assured him I'm not because I know enough that this isn't something he can help or instantly fix. I have seen the change in him, and it breaks my heart. I have been crying every night for about 4 nights in a row with him because I feel so helpless and I can't fix this for him. I always ask him "what can I do to help you or make you feel better?" Anyways, we are working on it, and I am really hoping for some positivity after seeing the counselor.
I don't despise it, I love it. It would be a lot easier if I did despise it. He can't get over the road noise and it is causing him to be depressed, have anxiety attacks, and he doesn't sleep well. He hates being here, he told me today that the only reason why he keeps coming back is because I'm home.
Earplugs...sound machine....noise cancelling headphones. If the noise is truly all that is bothering him, it is pretty easy to overcome. He really sounds like he is overreacting to this though. Lots of people move into places with more noise than they are used to and they get used to it. I moved from a small town to a very large city, and at first I didn't sleep that great either. But after a while, I didn't even notice it. He needs to give it a chance.
I second the PPs suggestions for mitigating the noise although I'm not sure that would eliminate his issue.
I'm confused, or maybe I missed something... what stops you guys from finding a NEW apartment that you BOTH like. Something that is bigger than his apartment but quieter than the current apartment? I'm not sure why it's all or nothing, the new place versus the old place. They aren't the only two apartments available.
If you guys do decide to find a new place to live, make sure he takes the time to really consider whether or not he can live there. Obviously he can't stay overnight to ensure it's quiet enough. BUT I find it hard to believe that it was such a shock that this apartment was noisy... meaning you both had to know it backed up to a loud street, right? Make sure he considers EVERYTHING about a new place before committing and signing the lease!
Why not turn the 2nd bedroom into your master if he slept well there?
I have to ditto, though, that I think that this is about more than just the noise.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
We actually have gone and shopped around for new places. I'm really hoping we don't have to move though. Not only is it expensive, and already our funds are stretched to the limit, but because our leases ended at different times, I have moved like 3 times since April. I really don't want to move, again. I will if we have to, but I would really prefer not to.
Also it wasn't that we didn't hear the noise when we checked the place out, we just figured it was no big deal. Like I said, I don't have a problem, he does. But part of this noise thing is he is stressed, so from that stress stems anxiety, and he is hyper-focused on the road noise. I am unemployed and going to school, so financial stress is weighing on him big time. Thankfully my wonderful parents are paying for school, but I want to start nursing school and/or get a job but I feel like I can't because I don't know what address to put on my resume, or know what school to go to because I don't know where we will ultimately end up for at least a year.
If we do find a new place that we both like, I already told him that before we sign anything we will sit in the place for ten minutes in complete silence to make sure it is a good place for him where he can relax. He laughed a little but agreed with me.
We will figure it out, in the mean time it just sucks.
We have been sleeping in the 2nd bedroom the last several nights, and it seems to be helping him a little. We will know for sure what will be happening as a permanent solution today after counseling. I have no issue sleeping in the 2nd bedroom for a year and turning the main room into an entertainment/den like room, and our living room into a library/reading room. I have told him that I'm okay with that plan, and I have no problem doing all the heavy lifting to make that happen, I just am stuck in this stale-mate right now because I don't know whether I should unpack, pack, or rearrange. Anyways, I like I said above, we have our appointment today, so hope all goes well.