Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Oh boy... Where to begin?
I need advice, encouragement, or suggestions. Can anybody help me?
I'm sorry if this is a lot of information at once, but I'm kind of freaking out.
So I've been with this guy, T, for about 9 months now. I met him online amidst a horrible break up with my previous boyfriend. We moved in together after only 2 months. I know, that's probably a red flag right there but I am very naive and we were connected on so many different levels that it just felt right and I didn't care what anyone thought. Obviously my family was against it. But everything has been GREAT since then. I've been happier than I've ever been in my life and so has he.
I was laid off from my job in February. So from that point on I relied on him for everything. Cell phone plan, clothes, food, etc.
Flash forward to Tuesday. We are woken up by the sound of someone drilling into our door. We run downstairs and the cops are outside and they said we are being evicted because T hadn't been paying his homeowners dues in 6 years. I had no idea. He said he knew he hadn't been paying but he didn't think it would get to this point. We had 15 minutes to pack what we could. Animal control came and took our precious cats and we went to a motel where we've been staying ever since. We've been trying to get back into the condo since we have no clean clothes anymore or anything. Just what we could fit in our backpacks.
At about 7pm tonight, T walked down the street to go get dinner. He was gone a really long time so I kept calling him and calling him. Finally someone answered and said "Arrested" and hung up. Obviously I'm panicking at this point. The next thing I know, his sister knocks on the door. Apparently he had texted his ex wife and said "I can't do this anymore" She called his sister, who came to the motel. As she was pulling into the parking lot he was being arrested for forging a prescription at the pharmacy right next door. I was not aware of any drugs he was taking as everything seemed completely fine and we were together every day, so I had no reason to believe he had any sort of problem. She also informed me that his ex wife had been giving him money for about a year and knew nothing about me. Basically he was living a double life because I had no idea about this. His sister said that this is typical T- acting like everything is fine when he has multiple versions of himself and lies and goes behind peoples backs. I also just found out that when he was married there was another woman in the picture and she may still be in the picture. So there's that. Anyways, she said they're not sure they will help him this time. Obviously this week has been extremely difficult for both of us but he made a horrible decision and now he is sitting in jail on a $20,000 bond with 3 felony charges including a warrant for not appearing at court in the past for I believe a DUI (could be another thing he lied about) so it could go up to 4 felony charges.
I have no money. No car. No job. I have literally nothing. My mom is beyond angry at me for putting myself in this position and I don't blame her. I know T never meant to hurt me but he did and I relied on him far too much and now I'm paying the price. I have to start my life over from scratch.
I KNOW I put myself in this situation. I made stupid choices. I made the choice to move in with someone I really did not know for very long. I made the choice to not look for a new job right away and let T take care of me. I've heard the lecture from my parents. This is a hard lesson to learn but now I know that I need to be able to take care of myself. I did not have a back-up plan because I was so sure this was going to work out.
I'm going to live with my aunt for awhile while I get back on my feet. I'm so thankful she's willing to help me out because I got myself here and nobody should be feeling the need to help.
Am I wrong for missing T and wanting to be with him even though he did all this? I know how it looks from the outside. It looks really, really bad. I know I shouldn't be with him. Plus he's looking at significant jail time and I don't have time to wait around for him... as much as I love him and want to be with him I have to move on with my life somehow. What he did is so wrong. Why didn't he come to me with how he was feeling? I'm so lost and confused.
I should also add that he tried to call me last night from jail but I didn't have a credit card so I couldn't accept the call. I guess he was allowed to text me since the call didn't go through and he said how sorry he was and how he's a complete loser but he really loves me. I texted him back just angry messages, he said he knows he messed up but he has to go and he loves me. I don't know if I should talk to him if I have a card and he calls me. My head is telling me no way, but my heart just wants to hear his voice.
Re: Oh boy... Where to begin?
No you should be angry very very angry.
Listen, I am going to level with you. I mean this in the most sincerest way possible, but you need to get your sh*t together. You have a history of making and continuing to make horrible choices in men. The fact that after you learned all of this about him doesn't make you want to run for the hills says a lot. A whole lot.
I strongly suggest going to an individual counselor and get to the bottom of why you do this and how you can choose a better future for yourself and any future children you might have. This guy isn't it. He has zero character and good character is the most important thing to look for in a partner and team mate.
I also say this as someone who has been to counseling before and I honestly believe it was one of the healthiest decisions I ever made.
Please know I am not trying to berate of lecture you, but your story compelled me to be as direct and blunt as possible. There is much better life out there for you, you just have to start listening to your gut and not your desperation if that makes sense. I truly hope the best for you and please please please cut off all contact with this man. He is not a good man, not at all. Go to your family, make an appointment with a counselor ( there are free services out there) and look for a new job.
ETA: I also wanted to say that your Aunt is very very kind and generous to be taking you in like this. If you do take him back, there is a high likelihood she will kick you out (and I wouldn't blame her ). Listen, you have this one chance to make things right with your family and prove to them that you do have a good head on your shoulders. Taking him back would ruin all of that and when this happens again ( and it will happen) they won't be there to help you out, leaving you on the streets.
Your heart needs ear plugs.
Don't create romance around this situation. There is none. This is not some dramatic tale where the beleaguered lovers stand by each other through thick and thin and emerge years later triumphant and together. This is a situation that involves prison time, eviction and years of financial woes ending ultimately in an impoverished retirement hoping that social security will be enough to cover your housing.
Never ever talk to this man again. Fortunately, you didn't marry him so there are no legal/financial ties to complicate your life. Consider yourself lucky. Incredibly lucky.
When a man tells you that he is a loser. Believe him.
Next time, run a credit check before you move in with a guy. Promise me that.
This guy does not love you. Sure he loves the idea of having a loving girlfriend/wife, but he doesn't love you. He loves his addiction, he got evicted b/c he used money for pills rather then housing. He will do anything for himself, that is who he loves. He has lied, cheated and is now in jail. Get yourself to counseling now. You jumped into a relationship way too fast and made some pretty bad choices. You need to figure out how to function alone and work on yourself.
For the record my brother sounds a lot like this guy, nothing you or his family does will change him. My brother spent 10 months in jail for drug related charges, after about 6 months he was back to similar patterns. The girl he was dating could not change him or will him to be someone else. He made have thought he loved her, but he loved himself more. The best thing any of you can do is allow him to face the charges and accept all of the penalty for his actions.
Baby Boy loved for 15 weeks, 5/31/11
Baby Girl loved for 16.5 weeks. 3/1/12
Really? How old are you? Do you have an education? How hard have you been looking for a job since Feb.? What is your profession?
I can even believe someone would ask of they should talk to a lying, druggy, irresponsible, imature jackss. I mean come one what is wrong with you?
My first piece of advice?
Be grateful that you didn't marry this guy. Be especially grateful that you have no children together.
Second piece of advice: keep it that way. Turn your back on him and run. Never, ever make any contact with him again. As a previous poster said - hate to break it to you, but no matter what he claims, he doesn't love you. A person like that doesn't love anyone. He just throws the phrase "I love you" out there to make people feel sorry for him to and get them to do whatever he wants.
Obviously the lie has worked for him before, since he has an ex-wife, a mistress, and family members who have all repeatedly fallen for it, and he's trying to get you to keep falling for it too. But you can't. As much as it may hurt you to admit it, you've got to read the bolded sentence above as many times as it takes to memorize and move on. I'll type it a second time. He doesn't love you.
It's hard to read, but the sooner you get it, the sooner you can pick up the pieces and dust yourself off.
Third piece of advice: be extra kind and grateful to your aunt... who clearly does love you, very very much... for essentially saving your butt. Don't know how you can ever repay her? Show her just how grateful you are by permanently staying away from this guy and everyone who knows him.
Your family's anger may be hard to face, but you need to understand that anger is an emotion that comes on top of hurt. Underneath the lecturing and the yelling, they are hurting for you because they love you and they want to see you succeed. They're upset to see that you were so disrespectful to yourself that you got into this huge mess with your life. Keeping that in mind, I agree with previous posters that you need to get yourself into counseling, find gainful employment and get your priorities in order.
Best of luck to you.
You already KNOW you done did f*ck up here, and you know that pretty much everybody else in your life knows this, too. Take the chance that your aunt has been gracious enough to offer you by allowing you to stay with her, get down on your knees and thank God every day that at least she's willing to do this and don't blow it.
Forget this guy. Get a job. Get out on your own. Become completely self-sufficient. And if after that, you decide you'd like to have a bf, find somebody who is also self-sufficient, and isn't a lying, cheating, drug addict with a crap-ton of warrants out on him.
I'm more than willing to start validating people's ideas when they start having ideas worth validating
Thank you all so much for your responses. You have been telling me exactly what my family has been telling me all day. I know this guy is bad. As days go by I'm going to start realizing that more and more. It's been a very long, difficult day for me and I still miss him a lot and will continue to miss him. But I made a promise to my family that I will NOT get back together with him.
Speaking with his sister, I found out that they are not going to bail him out. She said jail is the best place he can be right now. He's being monitored, fed, housed, and if he was using he is in the safest place to go through withdrawals. She doesn't think he can handle the reality of his world outside crashing around him. I completely agree with her.
I am going to apply for state medical insurance so I can get in to see a counselor ASAP. I have some ideas for why I have made the choices I did so I'm looking forward to getting to the bottom of it and figure out how to not make the same mistake again. I'm fully determined to change my life for the better and learn that I don't need a man to take care of me.
I am so grateful for my aunt. I moved in with her this afternoon and she is a great person to talk to and confide in because she has been in a similar relationship.
I know there's a light at the end of the tunnel. I know things will get better for me and I can be happy, fulfilled, and independent and down the road I will find someone who is the same and be in a healthy relationship finally.
RUN like hell from this waste of skin.
And run a credit check ON YOURSELF, immediately.
Run one on him also if you know his Social...and hoo boy, that's if he isn't using one that is phoney as a 3 dollar bill.
Get yourself tested for all STDs. Druggies will prostitute themselves to get what they want in the way of a fix; you don't need some beastie STD on top of this mess you got into.
Do not take his calls. End all contact with him as of now.
Clear out of that hotel room right now.
Go home to your parent's house -- go anywhere. Leave him no forwarding address and protect your assets as of immediately. Don't take any chances.
And get your azz into counseling. You made 2 stupid mistakes: the first guy was probably a jerk and this one was an even bigger one. Common sense will tell you NOT to date anybody after a major break up -- and common sense dictates you do not date anybody for a good long while. Ever heard of the term "vulnerable"???
You need to break the pattern of not using your head and dating any Tom, D!ck and Harry who looks like he's "the one."
And when you are ready to date -- I suggest you call a moratorium of at least two years --- stay the F off the internet. I don't care what kind of success this one or that one had with whatever dating website: I think by and large they all suck and there's nobody great to meet via any of the dating websites.
I am an emotional wreck. This has been the biggest rollercoaster day of my life. I can't even begin to describe the emotions I've been feeling. Part of me feels betrayed, angry, hurt, lied to, backstabbed -- another part of me feels sorry for him. Why do I allow myself to feel sorry for him? I don't understand. I know nothing good would come of getting back together. I've been telling myself this all day. It will just be an endless cycle. My heart needs to catch up to my head. But I can assure you I won't do anything stupid... well, I won't do anything more stupid than I've already done. I promised my family this and I'm promising everybody reading this.
Tomorrow is a new day, but will be hard. I'm going to the condo to get my things and his ex-wife will be there, whom I've never met. Plus the pain of all the memories being there will be tough to handle, but my mom and aunt will be there with me so I know I can make it through.
No.
PROMISE YOURSELF that this is the end of him.
Please act with caution. I don't think it would be a bad idea to have the cops with you before you enter that condo. Who knows what might happen? You don't know what kind of a person she is.
Get what you need to get and just get out of there. Do not even talk to his "ex wife." Who knows if he was even married to this woman???
I'm w/ Kuus and Mags. You have no idea who this man is, how could you possibly love him? Everything you knew about him was a lie. I would grieve that loss and be grateful that you found out sooner rather than much, much later.
I would also look into individual counseling for yourself so you can start picking up red flags instead of ignoring them.
All of this.
Warning : This will be long
Oh good. I am glad you updated and are in a safe place. Have you cut off all contact with him ? Have you blocked his number ? Please do so if you haven't already ? Like Tarpon said, you need to make an appointment to get checked for STDs. You have no idea what kind and how many painful and deadly diseases he exposed you to, so you need to do that as soon as possible. Do not hesitate.
Please stop saying that your heart is saying to talk to him. Your heart and your head both probably want a clean break from this guy. It is your low self worth that is talking to you, not your heart. You low self esteem is saying you miss him ( or any man), that you need him ( or any man), that you will be lonely ( without a man in your life), that no one else will want you, that this is as good as you can get, that you won't be able to find happiness without a man in your life, that you will be sad and depressed if you don't have a boyfriend. That isn't your heart, that is your low self worth. So please stop saying your heart is telling you to talk to him, because that isn't true.
The rest of my post will be long, but I want to tell you something that I tell my single friends, my little sisters and people on this board all the time. You have no idea what life has in store for you. No idea. You might lose jobs, homes, parents or like myself and my husband lose a child. Or you could be like my friend and has a child with Cerebral Palsy or another friend who has a son with such severe developmental delays that even at 13 he still can't talk or use the toilet. You might get diagnosed with chronic diseases, deadly diseases or serious life altering injuries. You just have no idea what life has in store for you. That is why the person you decide to marry is the most important decision you will ever make. This person can bring you years of joy and happiness, or years of misery. Character is what you need to look for. You need to find someone that is loving, kind, patient, supportive, respectful, and admirable. Someone that is TRUSTWORTHY, HONEST, LOYAL, and hardworking. Someone whom you would be proud to have a son exactly like and happy if your daughter married a man exactly like him.
Our first child passed away when she was four months old and I don't know how I would have made it through without the love and support of my husband. There were times I thought I was losing my mind to grief, but he was with me the whole time; sharing with me, supporting me, loving me and encouraging me. We got through it together and went on to have two more healthy and happy children. He is a blessing to my life everyday and I thank God that I had the good sense to marry him. He is selfless and kind and a wonderful father. He paints DD's toenails, fixes her hair, calls her his " Little Lady" and reads and prays with her every night. For our son, he has a special song he sings to him when he puts him to bed and pretends to be Captain Hook, a T-Rex and Godzilla when they play. It is heartwarming to watch.
In the 8 years we have been together we have , again, lost a child, lost two jobs and faced a chronic disease. But through all of it, he has been my rock. I won't say I am lucky because that implies that I just stumbled into this. No, I knew what kind of man I wanted to marry and what kind of father I wanted for my future children. When it came to choosing a husband, I made a wise decision.
When I was single, I remember praying that God would give me wisdom and discernment to know when to pursue a relationship and when to end one. So no, I didn't get lucky. I made a good decision to date and then marry my husband. You too can find someone, but first you simply need to just be single. Be single for a long time. Talk to a counselor and figure out why you jumped into a relationship with this guy and why you are trying ot make him into something he is not. Find out how to find happiness just being by yourself. Develop your interests and hobbies. Travel to a part of the world that you have never been before. Find a new skill. Take a class. Focus on your career. Build up your self esteem and your self confidence. Try to get to a happy and healthy place because I firmly believe that when you are happy and healthy, you will attract someone who is also happy and healthy. When you are sad and lonely and depressed and vulnerable, well you will attract an entirely different kind of man.
Again, Kudos to you for listening to your family and the people on this board. Please take the advice you have been given to end all contact with him, find a new job, go to counseling, get checked for STDs and like Tarpon said, be very careful when you gather up the rest of your belongings. Remember, there is a better life out there for you than the one you have been living, you simply have to choose it.
I completely agree with all of you. I know what I need to do, and I've begun the steps to do those things.
I wanted to give an update on what happened today. I went to the condo to get my stuff with my mom and aunt. When we arrived his family was outside. It was incredibly awkward because his ex-wife was there, who, I found out just moments after arriving, is STILL HIS WIFE. He has only been separated from her since SEPTEMBER, right when I moved in. He must have ended their marriage for me because I met him in July. I had no idea. I am not that girl. I am not the "other woman", but I was. That was just another blow to the stomach right there, and just another reason to add to my anger and hurt. But I managed to get my things without any problems, just a lot of sobbing. It was tough going back to the place I lived that was full of lies. His family knows I didn't know anything that was going on so they don't think badly of me. His mom was crying and came up to me and apologized for not saying anything to me, that she just has a very sick son and this is excruciating for her. I just wanted to get the heck out of there and not look back.
I just finished applying for state medical and food stamps. I need to get into therapy ASAP. I am longing for it. I need it so bad because you are all right, I have issues that need to be looked at and figured out so I can spot red flags in men. This will NOT happen to me again. And I promise myself that I will not get back together with him. If I did, I would be the lowest of the low. I would lose the trust, love, and respect of my entire family. I won't do that to them or to myself. I promise myself that I will stay away from relationships and that part of the internet until I truly feel ready.
I need to let myself grieve. I am going to talk to a pastor and get back to church. My mom is paying for my food handler's permit so I can go help her serve the homeless (I'm really looking forward to that, actually). I'm taking every opportunity I can do better myself and stay busy.
I am only 24 years old, and I know nothing is written in stone. I have my whole life ahead of me to be successful and in the next few months to a year I'm going to learn what it means to stand on my own two feet. I'm looking forward to going back to church and getting that part of my life back on track because I know it will help. My aunt gave me a journal and starting tomorrow I'm going to write down three things I am grateful for and three good things that happened every day.
I've said it before, but it's really nice to get everyone's advice and thoughts on this. I am excited to change and be the person I know in my heart that I can be. I made it through today and today was the hardest. I already changed my Facebook privacy settings, my email address, and I'm going to be changing my phone number soon.
I know I'll be okay eventually. It just takes one day at a time.
The only thing you need to process is you, processing yourself out of this creep's life.
At this point, he could have been effing the entire danceline of The Rockettes! What difference does it make who else is in the picture? You made him past -- and very dead --- history in your life. And that is what matters.
Do the right thing for yourself: run like hell away from him. And have no further contact with him.
Why were you content to be completely dependent on this (or any) guy?
Why didn't you look for (and secure) a new job? A step-up in your career? Buy your own clothes, buy your own food and take care of yourself?
You are young and you've got a lot of life ahead of you - chalk this up to a boyfriend from hell and it will soon be nothing more than a really funny story you tell at dinner parties when you are older and can look back on this with the humor it deserves.
Posters above are telling you to take a break from dating and you should listen to them. Maybe date around a bit but don't get into anything serious for awhile - learn to be a strong, independent and wonderful woman on your own before you team up with anybody. Think about it in terms of the kind of mate that you want to attract - you want someone that has a good career, is kind, loving, fun, adventurous, smart, funny, honest and is someone that you want to spend your life with.
Now, think about that person out there and what kind of mate they want to attract. Is it an uneducated, un-working, completely dependent woman with no life experience that is going to latch on to them like a bank account leech?
Probably not. Work on yourself and become the incredible, independent woman that you are meant to be and you will attract the same type of people to you.
- just a side note, when people are evicted from their homes they get a lot more notice than 15 minutes. Like, letters and court summons. Notices tacked up on the door. Phone calls. He just wasn't telling you about it.
Chronically hilarious - you'll split your stitches!
I wrote a book! Bucket list CHECK!
http://notesfortheirtherapist.blogspot.co.uk