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Would you file a police report?
Hey! I really need some advice and i'm not very comfortable asking my family or friends. DH and I got into a blowout fight tonight over money and other things but mostly about money. DH is horrible when it comes to budgeting, he frivolously spends it on snacks at work, tobacco, alcohol, and gas taking his friends and coworkers here and there around town. When i'm having to take money out of our saving account almost every month to cover the bills it become a huge issue for me.
So tonight I brought it up since DH came home late from work with the smell of alcohol on his breath. I told him that he needed to watch his spending. I started complaining about all the money he spent just in the last week on alcohol alone (we had a $67 tab at a restaurant on friday, he bought a 12pk on Saturday, found about 4-6 beers in the garage on sunday and 3 mini bottles of liquor tonight)
He kept cutting me off and saying that he will drink the rest of his life no matter what I say or how it makes me feel that I will just have to get over it. As I repeated myself about being watchful of how he spends money he kept cutting me off with rude and un-neccessary remarks, so I then became upset. I asked him to be quiet for just a minute while I finish what I have to say and he kept interrupting me. He then walked away after not letting me even get in a word and well that just made me more mad. I felt disrespected.
So, I went after him yelling. He shut the bathroom door in my face and I banged on the door asking him to open it so we could finish our conversation and resolve things. After a few minutes of me standing there, I unlocked the door and swung it open. I did not know he was standing behind the door so it hit him in the forehead and made a small cut. He then immediately grabbed me by the neck and threw me on the bed choking me. Our 3 yr old daughter was standing right by the bed and I told him to stop because he was scaring her. He then started shouting at her for her to go in her room and when she did he starting asking me if I thought I should be able to just get away with knocking him in the head. While he was choking me still I told him that he was crazy and even if I accidentally hit him in the head there was no excuse for him to put his hands on me. He then let me go and I ran to my daughters room.
As I calmed down in there I felt guilty because even though I didn't mean to hit him in the head, that was what made him come after me. He then left the house and walked down the street to I do not know where cause he has no shoes, no ID, and maybe no money. After he left my daughter and I went to go shower and I noticed hand marks all over my neck. I did take pictures but I didn't call the police because I was embarrassed for my neighbors to see a cop car outside of our house. I did call the law on him before about 2 years ago he got angry and pushed me and punched a huge hole in the wall. I was thinking about leaving him then and with him expressing his anger like that I didn't want him around my daughter so I filed a report so it would be on record.
So my question is, do you think I should file a police report for tonight's incident? A part of me feels bad for what happened to him and I want to apologize but the other part of me feels like no matter what he should have never put his hands on me like that, especially in front of our daughter. But i'm not really thinking straight so do you think I am in the wrong here? Thanks!
Sorry this post is so long..
Re: Would you file a police report?
I didn't read passed the bolded.
YES. You should file a police report. Take your daughter and leave. He sounds like a borderline (or maybe full-blown) alcoholic. You and your daughter deserve better. Pack up your things, and go to a safe place. A family member or friend's house. Simply tell your H that it is unnacceptable to be treated this way and you are leaving. Do not let him convince you otherwise. IF he can curb his alcoholism AND if he can learn to manage money that is STILL NO EXCUSE for putting his hands on you, especially in front of your child.
Get out and good luck!
Do I think you should file a police report? YES.
Do I think you and your daughter need to (safely and permanently) get away from this man? YES.
What are you going to do if your daughter does something that sets him off and he goes after her??????
GET OUT!!!
Holy crap.
Look, I get why you are feeling guilty. You hit him with the door hard enough to cut him on his head. Accident or not, that would set most people off. You may even feel guilty for starting the fight because you were nagging to him again about finances and his drinking.
However, his reaction to that is not that of most people. He actually choked you, with his hands around your throat. He threw you around and on to the bed. He screamed at your 3 year old.
Can you even imagine what this must have looked like to your poor 3 year old? Their dad screaming at them like that and mommy being hurt? I've got 3 year olds and they would be terrified.
The fact that you are feeling guilty about these things is a really big red flag, and is really hard to see when you are in the situation yourself. Look at it this way:
He overspends so much that you are pulling money out of your savings to cover bills, but YOU feel guilty because you are nagging him constantly about this. He's the problem here, but YOU are the one that feels bad.
He drinks so much that he is hiding liquor bottles and buying large amounts of alcohol daily, but YOU feel guilty because you are trying to change him and limit his alcohol intake. Think about it clearly - he has a drinking problem. An obvious one, but is he feeling guilt over it? No. You are. And there is something very wrong with that.
He threw you on the bed and choked you with his hands around your neck. He actually choked you. Like in a movie. But again, YOU are the one feeling guilty and badly about this, not him. He's off drinking or just going about things as though they are normal. You feel that you deserved it because you accidentally hit him with the door when you swung it open in anger - but his reaction is so over the top and so violent that I am literally sitting here in shock.
In a fit of rage while choking you on the bed he turned and screamed at your poor 3 year old. Screamed. Again, YOU feel badly about this because what? You should have had kiddo in bed? You should have been quieter? You shouldn't have angered him?
This is escalating. The next time will be worse, and how much worse would you feel if he choked your child? Hit your child in anger? Threw your child on their bed, or threw your child into their room and slammed the door? He's punched a hole in your wall. Actually choked you.
Your husband is a violent man with an alcohol problem. I think that you should absolutely file a police report, with those pictures. I also think that you should take your child and leave the house. Go stay with family, friends, anyone. Give him an ultimatum if you are not ready to leave him right now - but things have to change before you come back. He needs to get into an AA program, for one. He needs to get into anger management counseling, stop drinking and limit his spending (there are a lot of great and easy ways to do this) An apology and promise that it won't happen again isn't going to cut it.
Or, you leave him, full stop, right now. And get into counseling yourself to work on why you don't feel that you and your child deserve so much better than a physically violent, alcoholic husband and father.
Chronically hilarious - you'll split your stitches!
I wrote a book! Bucket list CHECK!
http://notesfortheirtherapist.blogspot.co.uk
absolutely.
Chronically hilarious - you'll split your stitches!
I wrote a book! Bucket list CHECK!
http://notesfortheirtherapist.blogspot.co.uk
Yes file a report. Then pack a bag and leave. This isn't about money, its about an abusive husband. I really don't think you are going to leave, just a feeling. So, in the future stay away from him when he's drunk. I get that you feel badly for your actions but that does not justify or mitigate what he did to you. Your husband has a serious problem and nothing you do will change that. Please start protecting yourself (even if you don't leave right now). Set aside funds, get legal advice and report your husband.
Baby Boy loved for 15 weeks, 5/31/11
Baby Girl loved for 16.5 weeks. 3/1/12
TofuMonkey is wise....read her post again and again until it sinks in.
She said it best...
I am sorry this happened to you but now you have a child you are responsible for. It is no longer just you, and thus you have an obligation to get her out of this environment, which must be terrifying to her and is going to leave her with some serious emotional scars (not to mention possibly physical if he goes after her at some point).
File a police report yes yes yes.
Get away from him. This behavior will only get worse. You don't need to wait and find out for yourself.
And protect your money. I bet you worked really hard to make that savings account in the first place. Get that money away from his access so you he doesn't waste it away.
Please please please file a police report and get out of there.
You and your daughter have no future with this man, at least not a happy and healthy one.
There are several woman on this board who were in marriage exactly like yours or grew up in homes exactly like your. It was soul destroying.
Please get out now. You did nothing wrong except waste your life away with this man. I promise, there is a better future out there for you and your DD. You just have to choose it.
Ditto PP, file a report, take your daughter and GTFO now. And don't even try to tell yourself she's "too young" to remember any of this to justify sticking around a little longer.
My earliest memory is hearing my parents scream at each other down the hall in the middle of the night. I can't remember everything, but I very distinctly remember my father screaming about my mother's "tone" pissing him off before hearing a slap. My mother confirmed years later my memory was accurate.
My parents were divorced and my father moved our of the house by the time I was 2. And yes, after he started hitting my mom, he eventually slapped my then 4-year-old sister for crying in front of him. Your kid doesn't deserve to go through that. No child does.
I'm more than willing to start validating people's ideas when they start having ideas worth validating
**6.30.12** I have found the one whom my soul loves.
Proud Newbie Gardener
I learned not to argue or fight with someone when they're drunk, bad idea - wait till next day. (this is from my past - not my DH). I agree 100% you should file a police report.
some women can put up with drug addicts or alcoholics. He told you he's not going to change, I suggest walking away forever but if you don't, his behavior will escalate, good luck.
Look at it this way...
If he reacted that quickly to an accident, what would he do if your daughter accidentally dropped something on his foot and really hurt him? Would he do that to her? Probably. Get a restraining order and get out.
Please look into Al-Anon and individual counseling. There seems to be codepenency and enabling in the works here and unfortunately women who are co-dependent to an addict (and yes, he is an addict) tend to find themselves in similar relationships in the future. Please get out and get help. You are only capable of fixing the situation for yourself and your daughter, you cannot fix him.
"He kept cutting me off and saying that he will drink the rest of his life no matter what I say or how it makes me feel that I will just have to get over it."
He said it himself that he is unwilling to change, and that he will always be this way. Unfortunately if he does change it is likely going to be for the worse and he could become violent toward your daughter, or escalate his violence toward you.
Agreeing with previous posters.
Regardless of what you decide to do about your marriage and your daughter, you ABSOLUTELY need to file a police report. This needs to be documented. I really hope you filed one...
Feeling embarrassed is honestly the last thing you should worry about. Wouldn't it be more embarrassing for an ambulance and social services to be outside your house because the violence escalated to something fatal? It is likely your daughter is more keen than you know to the whole situation. You need to do what is best for you and her, not what is typical or most socially acceptable or least embarrassing.
Leaving an abusive loved one is difficult. One of my professors told me that it is estimated it takes seven attempts to genuinely leave. Victims are stalked, coerced, and manipulated by their abuser, especially when there are children involved. Unfortunately, sometimes supportive family and friends "give up" on the victim because it takes so many times to actually leave...
Wishing you the best of luck and sending lots of positive thoughts your way.
The knee jerk reaction would be to call the cops. but the issue you have is the cut on his head. Now dont get me wrong you file the police report hes going to go to jail. but....do you think he would lie and say you started the situation by striking him in the head. he does have a small injury. Im not saying this justifies any of his actions but he could create a situation where you both end up in jail on a Domestic abuse charge.
my advice. take the pics and yourself to a lawyer tomorrow. tell them exactly what happened. all the facts. let them escort you down to the police station to file.
1- the lawyer can give you guidance in handling the police what to say what not to say...yes you are a victim but the cops dont care. they are just doing an investigation.
2- showing up with a lawyer sends a message to the cops....that you are serious about dealing with the situation. its not going to be a DV where the couple ends up in the same situation a year from now.
heres some advice...from a guy. if a guy hits you once he isnt ever going to change. ive seen it too many times. both of us have been furious at each other at times over the years. so mad we were convinced we would split up. but the thought never crossed either of our minds about putting hands on each other.
i had a dear friend in college. she shared a house with us. one NYE she went back to her home town for a party and took her bf. long story short they got into an argument and he punched her and grabbed her around the neck much like your husband did. her friends broke it up. they broke up but months later got back as a couple. i begged her not to do it. the whole time they were together i did not speak to her. then she told me they were getting married...my gf then and wife now was happy for them. she was mad at me for not letting it go,
her bf said, hey you and your girl argue all the time. i remember standing in the kitchen saying. yeah we yell at each other but i would never ever hit her. you are a p.o.s. and i dont want you to talk to me or even be in the room with me. we never spoke again. they got married. i went to the wedding....i kept a low profile but i couldnt bring myself to even talk to him. 1 year later they were divorced. because he was DRUNK and beat the ____ out of her.
she had a successful job he was doing nothing but drinking. they got into an argument about money and he snapped. then after they divorced he stalked her.
look hard at your situation. you got a kid involved in it so be honest with yourself.
I don't normally post and I'm sorry this is so late, but I thought I would share only because my mom just went through a divorce a couple of years ago where she had to "prove" abuse like what you described took place. Please file a police report. And continue to file one each and every time something takes place. I agree with pp that you should get out and take your daughter with you, but for the sake of your daughter if you won't leave then at least make sure you have the proof you need to take her away from him permanently.
The last thing you want is to be standing in court and be told that you have no proof as to why you want what you want. My mother was lucky in that I was old enough to testify when she got divorced, but if not she would have had a really difficult time getting full custody of my 12 year old sister. Don't wait 15 years until your daughter is old enough to testify for you. Let the police report testify for you now.
You're right, she does face the chance of having charges filed against her as well, but as long as she tells the truth "We argued, I followed him to the bathroom and when i opened the door it hit him in the head and he attacked me..." she should be fine.
Choking her is not self-defense. I do however agree she should see a lawyer and THEN report it together with an OP.