Trouble in Paradise
alauren627
member
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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Dirty fighter
H and I don't have many fights, but when we do, it doesn't take long for the name-calling to come out. Yesterday, over something so stupid I won't even get into it, I was trying to explain my view of the situation and he broke out into "You are being a colossal *** right now" What do I even do with that? How do I get him to fight fair? (for the record, I always openly admit when I know I was being a ***. In this case, he was completely in the wrong and will refuse to see that. This all happened last night, and when I thought we'd be over it this morning, he left without saying so much as one word to me).
Re: Dirty fighter
I agree with Golden42, but I think that you could try to resolve this yourselves before investing in counseling over it.
We've never really name-called, but DH used to say "Calm down!" in a really condescending voice to me when we were arguing or fighting about anything - it's the one thing that would then really frustrate me. It took a while, but he never says it any more, I don't think he has in years.
I think it started with when we were calm and the fight was over, I told him how him saying "calm down" made me feel - that whenever you say that to someone they tend to get even more defensive and never in the history of the English language has someone in response to "calm down!" just said "oh, yeah, sure." and then effectively calmed down. I focused on telling him how it made ME feel when he said that phrase, and gave him some alternatives that would maybe get a better reaction, or diffuse the situation a bit better next time. He never actually used them, but it made him realize how damaging and futile those words actually were.
During our next fight when he said "calm down!" I stepped back and told him that he agreed on how hurtful that was and not to use it any more, it's really hurtful. He would respond that it just "comes out" and he can't just change the way he is over night (melodramatic DH, much?), but I was consistent with just not accepting that he would say that to me, calling him on it (not in anger) when he did and just putting it as "wow, do you really think that is helping the situation? Let's take a breather for a few minutes and talk about it when we've both calmed down" - then I would address the words he used first, the issue next.
Like I said, he hasn't said that to me in years now and our arguments are much healthier now, I think. Not that they happen often, really.
He might not necessarily be a terrible guy for calling you that name during a fight, he may be modelling things that he's heard growing up, he may be lashing out to hurt you in a fight and needs to be given another outlet or more appropriate words to use when things are getting out of control that will actually help to rein it in, or something like that.
Sorry for the novel. Good communication is key to a good relationship and a part of that is learning how each of you communicates and needs to be communicated to. Good luck.
Chronically hilarious - you'll split your stitches!
I wrote a book! Bucket list CHECK!
http://notesfortheirtherapist.blogspot.co.uk
He needs to grow up and get his act together.
And the silent treatment is even more juvenile and dumber than name calling.
Her post indicates that they both do it though. It seems to be a general relationship communication problem.
I agree that you might not have to rush off to counseling, but I guess I'm thinking if this is how you both have been the whole time you are together, it will likely be a hard habit to break.
This sounds really bad to me, because he does it so often. I think it is worth a shot to try Tofu's suggestion.
Counseling could be a good method too, depending.
To be honest, my H (now an ex, largely due to his verbal abuse) did this too. We tried two different marriage counselors. Nothing changed.
Sure, sometimes I called him names too, but if my H is calling me the C word repeatedly, as well as an **** and a b****, I'm going to snap at times and say it back. Generally, though, I remained calm, waiting for a pause in his ranting, and would say calmly, "I don't understand why you think it is okay for you to speak to me this way." None of it ever helped.
So...yes, try talking to him, then try counseling, these things work for many couples. But at some point, realize that if he doesn't change, you deserve better and should walk away.