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Mother Problems... Still
Hello everyone!
I posted a rather long story a bit ago and you gave awesome advice, so here I am again as an update.
Here's the short story: My DH and I just moved. My mom offered to help us move, but she and my step-dad were out of town celebrating my grandparents' 50th wedding anniversary the weekend that we closed/moved. I didn't take them up on the offer since they were out of town. After we moved, my mom asked how it went. I told her it was good and that my in-laws helped. She got mad and said we spend so much time with them, blah, blah, blah, and stopped talking to me. My brother graduated and I went to his party. My DH and I were nice as we could be, but my mom still didn't really speak to me. She always excused herself to go somewhere else to "handle" something (she threw the party).
Fast forward to now. Mother's Day came and went. I sent her a card to the address that I had since she hadn't answered any of my messages in the past. She and my step-dad split, so she moved to a town house and my step-dad moved to an apartment until the decided what to do with the house. I assumed the mail would be forwarded to her. I called her on Mother's Day to tell her a card was on the way. Last Friday she sends me a text (the first in a month) to say she didn't get it. I responded that I sent it and that it went to the house. She got mad because I didn't ask her for the address.... Really? I should have asked? Seriously? I told her that I sent it to the address I had because I had tried calling, texting, and emailing about other things for about a month and was not getting a response. Therefore, I sent it to the address I had. She said, "Nice attitude to have to your mom". I have not responded.
Here is my thinking. She is being a child. I do not feel I have done anything wrong, so I am not playing her games. Maybe I should try to talk it out with her, but I really don't know that it will help. Some of you said I might want to get counseling for my own personal difficulties with her. I'm not overly upset about it. Sure it sucks to have a mom like this, but another poster in the other thread said I need to be realistic about the type of mother she is rather than the mother I have. I agree and I am just not going to let it bother me. I hope that isn't harsh, but again, I don't think I am in the wrong here.
Any thoughts?
Re: Mother Problems... Still
No that isn't harsh and no you are not in the wrong. You know your mom is just looking for reasons to freak out and make you the bad guy.
It seems you have come to accept your mom for who she is and not who you want her to be.
I still would talk to a counselor. Sometimes it just helps to have a professional backing up your instincts that your mom is the one with the problems and not you.
It's hard- she's your mom. There are certain expectations we have around this (including w/ our OWN behavior towards them). But she's playing games and really... I just wouldn't have the energy for this.
She isn't talking to you because your ILs helped you move. How ridiculous is that? And this game playing over MOthers Day?
I'd just be done!
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
I don't have any words of advice other than I totally sympathize and hope your mom grows up. It's great that you have ILs who are willing to help you out!
It's interesting to read the "my mom is jealous of my ILs" threads lately because I have the same issue. For awhile, I thought I had an IL problem...when really, I had an "I can't stand up to my mommy and daddy" problem and let them and their petty jealousy dictate how I felt about my ILs.
I'm sorry you're dealing with this. As the thread below can tell you, I am also in a relationship like this. (Mom is threatened by my ILs).
It seems that you have accepted that your mom can act like a child at times. Unfortunately, adults act childish sometimes. Keep standing your ground, and try to reach out to her if you can. A simple phone call once a week is what I am aiming for. I will call, and when my mom doesn't answer (4 out of 5 times, she won't), I'll leave a message saying "Just calling to sya hi and see how you are doing." Then, when she doesn't call me back, it's not on me. I tried reaching out, but communication is a two-way street.
If she does answer, really try to have a good conversation, express your feelings. DONT ever say anything bad about your DH or ILs, even if you are in the middle of a spat. Keep it pleasant and casual.
If your mom wants to be a part of your life, you tell her how it's going to be. You should call the shots in your life and adult relationship with her. If she wants to continue to act like a child, that is her perogative.