Should my Mother come to live with us?

tippers007

Timeline for my marriage: 

- Met in high school (Known each other for 9 years)

- Have been together (romantically) for 6

- Married for almost 3 years

We've just purchased our first home 6 months ago and have been enjoying fixing her up. Recently, however, my mother has lost her house and is desperate for a place to live. Being only the two of us in a 3 bedroom home, logistically it makes sense for her to move in.

I should note: When we first started dating (I was still living at home going to college) he basically lived with my mother and I for 8 months before we moved out together. Also, we lived with her as a married couple for about 6 months just before we purchased our home. My point being that we know what she's like to live with and have not had any issues before. We all get along very well. 

 As I mention to friends that she will likely move in with us, I get looks of alarm and concern. I know roommates are not always a good fit, but we've already experienced and liked it previously. She'll be paying rent and that will help us pay off more bills. My husband feels confident and looks forward to having someone in the house that enjoys cooking as much as he does. Having grown up with just my mom around, I'm looking forward to having my best friend around more again. 

 Any input?  Am I naive to think it'll work out?

ReturnOfKuus

This is making me wrinkle my nose.  Why is she losing her house and unable to get an apartment of her own?  What is the time frame for how long she'd be staying?

Overall, though, the two of you sound oddly childlike for a married couple.

tiffanysbride

Unless you have a firm timeline and rules this can go very wrong. It is typically less messy when people are moving in with their parents for a short time (transition). I would not go into an arrangement like this without discussing all possibilities (and having to kick here out is on of them).

sapphireblue

It sounds like this is one situation where it could be fine. Both you and your H are looking forward to it, and you have done it twice before with no issues.

It sounds like this would be the first time she is moving into YOUR home so I would advise you to think about whether that will create any problems.

Also, in your situation, I assume that the reason you and your H lived with your mother twice was because it helped you out, so I also think it is only fair that now that she needs a place, you respond in kind.

 

nyc artist

While it sounds like you and your husband both get along with your mom very well, I think you guys should work out a timeline, like other people mentioned. If it's a transitional thing, ok, but permanent? I think that would mean you would have to limit your romantic times with your husband, you know? You can't just get frisky on the couch or watch a movie in your underwear. I do think that it's the right thing to do to help your mom out during this time, but there should be an ultimate goal of getting her her own place again.

TarponMonoxide

First of all:

WHY did she lose her home?

Backstory on that might help.

If it's such that she pissed money away and has a cash flow problem, you sure don't want her living with you. She'll be spotty about paying rent and being more or less a tenant in your home.

This is a bit strange -- why was your H living with your mother and you?

No, she should not be living with you and here is why:

Your H is now YOUR FAMILY.

Not your  mother.

You've got an apron string problem. Get yourself to a therapist to learn how to cut that string.

Let your mother find an apartment that she can afford; let it be a studio, a roommate sharing situation or Section 8 if she's having real cash problems.

Golden42

I do find it strange that you both want her to live with you so much. Don't you feel at all like it is time to start your own independent life now that you have your own place? I do agree that it makes you both sound pretty immature. (Not trying to be harsh, but that is how it comes across) Would this be a temporary arrangement or permanent?

I guess if it works for you, and you all can agree to certain ground rules, then it may work, but honestly be prepared to get some weird looks when you put it out there.

 

Sue-n-Kevin

If it has worked out well in the past, then I can't imagine why it would be a problem. Things happen in life, and it's always nice to know family will be there to pick you up when you need it.

Since it is now YOUR home, I'd think you may want to decide what kind of rules you want to set out. For example, who's going grocery shopping, and paying for it? Do you have certain traditions or schedules that you may want to explain to her beforehand? How to split the "room and board" for her?

You also may want to determine if there are any new rules you want to implement. Will you all be sharing the same family room or living room? Are there enought tvs so everyone can watch what they want? These are the little nit-picky things that can sour co-living arrangements.

Make it clear each of you will only offer advice if it's asked for.

I also agree with the posters above that you need to decide if there are any "end games" or timelines for this arrangement. What about if you have kids? Having grandma there is great, but as mothers we all have our own set of ways to rear children.

Good luck. If I were ever in your Mom's situation I hope my kids would be as wonderful and feel my presence would be as welcome.

Jaje09182010

After my mom faced some hardship last year she moved in with us for 6 months- I really wish she hadn't because it ended up really damaging our relationship. It was also so hard and awkward when I needed her to move back out because I was loosing my mind... Of course you mentioned you've done it before- but I don't know I'm inclined to suggest against it! BUt at the same time I know how hard it is to turn your back on family so easier said than done...