Married Life
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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
What do you wish you knew before you were married?
I've been wondering if we understand what marriage is about before we marry. In some ways, how can we ? we have to be in it to experience it, right? We know quite a bit about married life if we?ve carefully
observed our parents? marriage (and what teenager hasn?t?) and the marriages
of our friends (I'm not sure we should be paying attention to celebrity marriages). But, is there something you wish you knew about marriage before you said "I do"? And, even if someone told you, would you have paid attention?
Re: What do you wish you knew before you were married?
When I married the first time, I basically figured it was time to get married, looked around, and found a local guy and thought "he'll do." I wish I had waited, learned to be happy on my own, before walking down the aisle. I probably wouldn't have listened had someone told me to wait.
Marriage does not make you happy. You cannot look to another person to make you happy. You will not change the person you are going to marry - no fixer uppers. You shouldn't have to work so hard at it and "not give up because you are not a quitter," or because you're in love.
With my eyes wide open, I married my second and last husband and we have been extremely happily married for seven years now. When both people are emotionally healthy, it is smooth sailing.
I'm still a newlywed (got married 9/1/12) but so far I don't feel like much has changed or that things have come up that I didn't expect. I was only raised by my mom (no contact with father) and I still don't feel like I went into my marriage without knowing what to expect. I think a big part of that comes from already having been in my relationship for 6 years and having lived together for 3 years before saying "I do".
I guess if I had to pick something, I'd say it's been a little difficult to understand the concept of "our money" and not "my money and his money". H finally got a FT job offer but for the last few years of our being together he has been at school FT and work PT with me paying the majority of the bills. Sometimes I still get frustrated that we're spending all of "my money" on things. But when you get married, you're a partnership and you have to support each other through each other's decisions (within reason of course :P).
We've been through some hardships in the past but I'm sure as we experience the good and the bad that life will throw our way, things that will test our marriage, and I will gain a new understanding of what it is like to be married.
Well, I married my H almost 15 years into our wonderful love story so there's very little anyone could have told me about married life when I said I do. We had our dynamics, rhythms and life as a couple already quite established.
That said, not much has changed with the wedding and yet a lot has; it's one of those things that are hard to explain - we immediately felt connected at a deeper level and more in love, if that's even possible. It felt different and new and like a new sphere of our life had been revealed that only we knew of.
One thing I've always been passionate about is living together before marriage. If we, hypothetically, hadn't lived together, now that I know what it meant for us, I'm sure I'd have regretted it.
It's an exciting journey and it all depends on how you two are, your level and quality of communication, your dynamics, how well you work as a team etc... I feel that even if you think you know other couples from observing them, you can never truly know what goes on between them. Whatever others will tell you about marriage, it might or might not apply since every couple is different.
DH and I didn't live together before we were married, so I wish someone had told us how that would be... We heard a lot of "you'll fight sometimes" and "you're not always going to agree on everything" and the usual stuff. But I wish someone had told me "sleeping in the same bed as someone else takes getting used to." I am a very light sleeper, and DH is a very noisy/active sleeper. He wakes me up (unintentionally) at least two times a night. I haven't had a good night sleep since his last business trip in December!
Banda, that is exactly me. DH and I have a full mattress (it's wonderful, pillowtop, astoundingly comfortable, but still a full), and it's just new enough and comfortable enough to not warrant replacing, so while there is enough room for us to sleep, we are often scrunched up and he hogs the bed and even sometimes steals my pillow lol. Plus, we often have the dog too. We went on vacation recently and the hotel accidentally gave us 2 beds and we were both over the moon to get our own bed for the night! Although I woke up the next morning and he had crawled into bed with me during the night.
But on the OP, I haven't been married very long, and probably not long enough to have any real advice on it, and we were engaged for awhile so that I could think about what I was getting myself into. I suppose I could have wished for someone to warn me how much DH would know about me, both physically and emotionally, and how much I would know about him. How to balance the IL's since our parents live in different states and all want us to come for every holiday. We didn't have a joint account or bills (we lived together, but we split the bills in half, and gave money to whoever's name the bill was in) prior to marriage, so that has been a learning experience for us also. There's still a lot to learn, though, I think. We are very good at talking and opening up to each other, and respect one another in addition to loving, and I think that is what has got us through the hard times.
**6.30.12** I have found the one whom my soul loves.
My husband and I dated for nearly ten years, were engaged for over two and have now been married for two. I feel similarly to Bulgari - we're now more connected and in a new place that only we know about.
I get confused when people say "Oh, nothing has changed." Everything has changed! You can't be married until you're married. You can't know what life is going to throw at you and how you - as a team - will always and forever respond. Certain situations will be harder, some will be easier, some will surprise you and some will seem routine. Life doesn't stop changing just because you dated forever. I dunno - every week together I learn something new about us or myself. That's what getting older and living your life is all about.
EDIT: To answer the OP's question, what I wish I had known is actually what I'd wish I'd known about life In general: when you think you've figured it all out, you haven't. I had life down in college, then after my first job, then in graduate school... now, I realize that things will ALWAYS change and my views will change as I grow older. Growing up and growing old is all about learning who you are in many different situations. You will surprise yourself. You will never "know it all."
I wish I hadn't been so afraid to get married. I wish I'd known how happy it would make me. And I wish I hadn't put it off as long as I did. But do I actually wish someone had told me those things? I don't know. I might not have made such a good decision if I hadn't been so careful. Not all marriages are happy, and no one could have known better than we did about how happy we would or would not be.
I've also learned a lot about marriage that I don't believe I could have known without experiencing it. Most of it has been good.
One think I wish I didn't know before getting married was how my parents felt about DH. They have never been anything but kind and polite to him, but during our engagement they told me they didn't think I should marry him, they didn't think he fit into our family, didn't think I would be happy with him, etc. I was devastated that they felt that way. They never let it show, treat him no differently than my BIL, etc, so it could be worse. But almost 9 years later, it still makes me sad that they felt that way. Especially because DH loves them like his own parents. Hopefully they don't still feel that way, but seeing as they never let it show (except for that one conversation) in over 12 years, how would I know?
Also, I wish I'd known that my mom was going to call me at 7:30am the morning after the wedding. I shouldn't have let her know where we were staying. Oops.
It's hard to explain and I've learned not everyone sees it the same way I do so if you're like "what the hell is she talking about," don't worry!
I've felt a shift in us through every step. When he moved in, I felt closer to him; when we got engaged, I felt closer still; and now that we're married, I feel even more so. I'm sure once we have a kid, it'll be even closer. I almost think of it like threads between us. At each major milestone, we get more threads between that hold us together.
On a more practical level, each step leads us to have more in common and strengthens that commitment to each other. It's not safety, it's just a bond. A bond that grows in width and strength at every turn.
Something that bothered me about my first post was that there are couples who are just as committed as married couples but never went through that ceremony. I felt like I was slighting them and I sincerely didn't mean to (I almost added an edit!) I'm trying to decide if I would just as connected to my husband without the marriage ceremony. Personally, I feel that I wouldn't. I used to think I would, but now that we've done it, I think there's something very symbolic and uniting about a marriage ceremony that helped bring us closer together. Other people seem to feel just as connected without it. We're all different!
TTC since 1/13 DX:PCOS 5/13 (long, anovulatory cycles)
Clomid 50mg 9/13 = BFP! EDD 6/7/14 M/C 5w6d Found 11/4/13
1/14 PCOS / Gluten Free Diet to hopefully regulate my system.
Chemical Pregnancy 03/14
Surprise BFP 6/14, Beta #1: 126 Beta #2: 340 Stick baby, stick! EDD 2/17/15
Riley Elaine born 2/16/15
TTC 2.0 6/15
Chemical Pregnancy 9/15
Chemical Pregnancy 6/16
BFP 9/16 EDD 6/3/17
Beta #1: 145 Beta #2: 376 Beta #3: 2,225 Beta #4: 4,548
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That trying to get pregnant after 35 would be harder. How do those 40 plus year olds do it? Some ladies have all the luck... We should have married and tried sooner.
Honestly, what it was like to live on my own.
If for some reason our marriage doesn't work out I'm going to adopt a bunch of cats and cover the floor in litter.
I'm kidding about the last part, but I do wish I had lived on my own first.
fmbyo,
Thanks for commenting. I think living alone is essential (sorry ? wish I knew you before!!!!) That said, please make sure you carve out space in your marriage that is just for you. I wish I had done that. Go away by yourself, or have days/nights that you focus on you and your interests. It isn't quite the same as living alone, but it does help you keep connected to all your "youness." Go for it, with no apologies!
"A women who can kneel before the Lord can stand up to anything"
My hubby and I were together 9 months before getting engaged and had a 3 1/2 year engagement. We lived together in college/grad-school living situations for 2-3 years and then in a real apartment for 3 months before finally getting married.
I guess if there's one thing I wish I would have known before we got married its that your perceptions of yourself and your partner are malleable. I'm a very self-aware person and I know my husband very well, but we've both ripped those pre-conceived notions apart in the year and a half we've been married and I'm SO GLAD!!
I loved my husband dearly when we said "I love you". I loved him when we got engaged. I loved him on our wedding day. And I love him now. But when I think back, I knew different things about him at each of those spots. Back then, I loved that he was a relaxed, fun-loving, easy-going, sarcastic guy. Now, he's not only those things but he's helpful, loving, patient, thoughtful, and extremely devoted.
I'm glad no one told me how much we would learn about ourselves and each other when we got married because it's been a fun and challenging adventure. Here's to many more...