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Newlywed wife and already my husband wants me to lose weight
I haven't been married a year yet, but apparently my husband already wants me to lose weight. I'm really offended. I feel that this changes the scope of our relationship and my confidence in my attractiveness. When we got married I lost 10-15lbs for the wedding so that I would look perfect in my wedding dress like most brides want to. I was happy with the results. Since then I have gained back the pounds that I lost for the wedding since I have not been exercising as regularly. Now every woman wants to lose that last 10-15lbs and keep it off, but sometimes life gets in the way and exercising gets put to the bottom of the priority list.
A little about me...I'm in my early 30s, no kids and I've never been overweight so to speak. I'm tall and I'm a size 8 as I write this. I took a health exam at the doctor recently and my blood work was off the charts in a GOOD way. Apparently my heart is in better health than average so I don't believe his comment was geared to my health necessarily but towards my looks.
At the beginning of the year we wrote out our new years resolution and on mine I put that I wanted to lose some weight and go to the gym regularly. We shared our resolutions with one another and he put on his that he wanted to lose some weight as well. Little did I know that he took this as the right to keep me on track. I've always been concerned about my weight and have never let myself go past a size 8-10.
How it happened: This week we have been trying to work out together. When we went to the gym yesterday I commented that the older woman on the treadmill was going faster than him. He wanted the both of us to do the slow moving fat burn vs. the cardio and was walking very slowly on the treadmill. He replied back that she was skinny so she didn't need to do the fat burn. So I pushed and said so you want me to lose weight that's why you want me to the the fat burn? He answered that he wanted the both of us to lose weight. I was like so you want me to lose weight then? Needless to say, the rest of the workout was in silence and when we went back to our apartment he admitted that he would like for me to be slimmer. I took this as an insult because I am not obese or overweight. I would infact like to lose 10-15lbs I just didn't want my new husband to point that out to me or feel like it was his mission to help me with that goal.
I am very upset and my feelings are very hurt. I feel that even if I was overweight, I wouldn't need him to tell me that he would want me slimmer. He of course apologized that he hurt my feelings, told me he loved me and that he's very attracted to me, but its going from one ear out the other. I'm not sure how to move past this when my body confidence is shot. Has anyone else experience this? What should I do?
Re: Newlywed wife and already my husband wants me to lose weight
I think you are really overreacting here, probably because of your own insecurities.
YOU set a new year resolution to lose weight. YOU told him about your resolution. YOU went to the gym with him as a couple's activity. YOU commented and compared yourselves to another woman at the gym. He responded with something that sounds pretty logical to me, you were both there with the resolution to lose weight and the fat-burn program makes more sense than just a cardio program, no?
Then you seemed to really push him on it and flip out over his comment - which I don't think was intended or even said in the way that you took it.
It kind of sounds like your husband was being nice and supportive of your goals, reminding you that they were collective goals and what you guys were there to do and then you went off the deep end crazy town on him about it.
Seriously. He sounds like a nice guy - I think you should have a good think about this and apologize to him for how you've acted toward him.
Chronically hilarious - you'll split your stitches!
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I just have to correct a really common misconception: while it's true that when you are working out a low intensity, a greater proportion of calories burned are from fat, when you work out a higher intensity, you burn so many more TOTAL calories, that you end up burning more fat calories too. You will also experience greater gains in fitness. High intensity interval training combined with strength training and good nutrition is the best way to achieve your ideal body composition.
I really don't have much else to say...I can totally understand why you would be hurt, but I can also understand why your husband might say something like that. It sounds like the two of you just need to communicate a little better.
I think you are over-reacting. If everyone is 100% honestly they probably would want to change their partners weight at some point in their marriage. Does that mean they love them less? No. People fluctuate, it happens. Maybe I have thick skin but I would not let that change your confidence.
I feel like you backed him into a corner, he tried to take the gracious way out but you would not accept it. He knew what you wanted to hear so he said it and stopped the conversation. Then he apologized. Should he have said it, probably not, but you didn't let it go.
IMO this is why working out together is rarely a good idea when trying to loose weight. It's great to talk about or go at the same time, but not training together. Unless he is a training find your own program and tell him to back off. Keep each other on track by making healthy meals not by training each other.
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All of this, but especially the bolded. An ex-boyfriend and I used to work out and it caused so many fights it scarred me for life about working out with other people. (He wasn't the nicest guy either, but I digress). If you want to go to the gym together (as in drive together), fine, but honestly just do your own thing. It is 1000 times better than policing each other's workouts.
Well if you hadn't had a New Years resolution to lose weight, I would probably side with you. However, losing weight was your own resolution, so I can see how your husband thought we was being supportive of your choices.
I can kinda see how your feelings wee hurt, but you really put him between a rock and a hard place. If I am going to be completely honest with you, I think you need to work on your communication. You should have given him the benefit of a doubt and you definitely shouldn't have given him the silent treatement for the rest of your workout. That wasn't fair. In addition, for someone who says she has no problem with her current weight, you come across as if you are looking for a reason to pounce on your husband for anything he might say as if you are trying to read his mind.
This.. You made him say it, and you agree with him. You are overreacting.
For the record, PP is right about the "fat burn" setting on the treadmill. Unless you're out of shape enough to need to keep your heart rate down and ease up gradually, it's useless.
"You know you're in love when you don't want to fall asleep because reality is finally better than your dreams." - Dr. SeussFor clarification, I was not comparing my body to the woman at the gym. I referred to her because he was walking very slowly compared to a woman who was much older than the both of us (I prefer to do higher intense cardio workouts). He was the one who responded that she was skinny. I never commented on her body type which was part of the reason I took offense that he might have been insinuating that I needed to lose weight.
Or ya know, maybe he was just talking and making conversation.
I never said I don't have a problem with my current weight. I would infact like to lose 10-15lbs and like I mentioned in my earlier post have always been concerned with my weight. The problem I had was the fact that he had a problem with it too. I can be critical of myself and the things I'd like to change about myself. It just hurt me because I now feel that he sees those same things too. I guess I wanted to believe that he saw me as perfect and beautiful just the way that I am and that I didn't need to change anything about myself even if I myself felt that way. Reality bites is all. I guess he sees the imperfections I do as well. I didn't want him to have a "standard" of what he thought my beauty should look like even if I did. The fact that I now know that he would like for me to be slimmer changes my perspective of what he sees when he sees me.
Ok, again, I am going to be completely honest with you. You have to try to stop trying to read people's minds, feeling sorry for yourself and make yourself the victim here. If anything, this attitude you are sporting is the most unattractive thing about you right now.
Give your husband a break. You said you wanted to work out and lose weight, so he is trying to help. Stop trying to look for reasons to make him the bad guy.
tofumonkey said it better than I could have.
Thank you for your kind words and being so understanding. A little niceness goes a long way
I will try to give him the benefit of the doubt and try to work past the hurt feelings.
But look, you said you lost that 15lbs FOR the wedding. Which means he wanted to marry you before you lost it. Which means he finds you attractive at your normal weight. We all want to think that our spouses think we have no room for improvement. But can you honestly say there is NOTHING about the way he looks you'd want to change given a magic wand? Probably not.
It really seems like your insecurity led to you backing him into a corner and he wasn't sure how to get out. Did he make the best decision? No. But you put him in the position where he had to come up with something to say. It sounds like he was perfectly fine never telling you anything and just working out.
I suggest you let this go and move on. And start working out on your own. Marriage 101 is "If you don't want to hear the answer, don't ask the question."
There is a reason I have never asked my husband if he wishes my stretch marks could disappear. I know the answer lol
This is a self esteem thing.
Lose weight and look better because YOU want to, not because he wants you to, or because anybody else wnts you to do so.
Find another workout buddy. Go to the gym alone and find a buddy there to work out with.
I agree 100% with the bold...why would you push him into a corner if you don't want him to be honest? You were pretty much telling him what to say and they got mad when he said it...well...that's your own fault. Learn to let go and your relationship will better for it.
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I would be bothered too. However, if I were a size 8 and a little insecure about it, I (hopefully) would never go to the gym with my husband and point to a woman who is skinnier than me and working out hard than both and ask him why we aren't running as fast as she is. Then, when my husband in response to that question pointed out that we both (individually, at New Years) had decided on a lower burn fitness program to help with our own fitness goals, I would NOT be all like "what, so you think I need a fitness program to get in shape? Does that mean you think I should lose weight?" while literally at the gym exercising, which was part of my own personal weight loss plan to begin with.... It's kinda like asking for trouble.
I get that she may be sensitive about it and that asize8 for a tall person is actually fairly trim, and I also get that it's hard when your husband acknowledges your flaws, even if you are aware of them already.... but she stated that she already felt she was over weight and needed to lose 10-15 lb and was at the gym in an effort to do so when she asked her husband if she should lose weight. Sure, he answered it stupidly. But maybe it wasn't the wisest question to ask.
Im sure your husband didnt mean to hurt your feelings. I agree with the others dont work out with your husband (although long walks ouside when its nice are allowed - thats our time to talk to each other about our days and unwind while doing something healthy) If you and your husband are really commited to losing a few pounds try spicing things up in the kitchen!! Try cooking new healthy recipies together! Also if you need a kick in the pants to jumpstart your weightloss find an Advocare distributor in your area and talk to them about the 24 day challange!! Thats also something you and the hubs can do together! Good Luck!
The difference with us is, our intimacy was certainly starting to lack. I spend more time crying in the bathroom after being rejected and puzzled as to why then actually being intimate with my husband. Sad to say, but my wedding night even went down this route.
Now my husband was too afraid to tell me what the issue was, so he went with other things, low libido, being tired, he has a problem and needs help figuring out what it was, all the mean time, telling me how beautiful I was and so on.
I knew I had gained weight over the last several months. I knew that. We'd been travelling and meeting family so socialising and eating was on the cards every day, making it very hard to even think about portion size, and what I was actually eating.
Until another rejection came around and so I persisted in asking him what the problem was. He couldn't resist me a few months ago so I know the problem has me in it somewhere. I asked if it was the weight. He said no. I pushed. He admitted.
Now I've been where you've been. You're angry, upset, they're supposed to love you for you right? and these problems don't happen over a few kilos, they happen after years of marriage and years of weight gain right? I was hurt and resentful and confused. Why tell me that I'm beautiful and yet reject me when I want to be close to you? Why confuse me like that? We spent the next few days talking about it. What I'm learning with my lovely husband is he isn't very empathic. Not even that selfless at times dare I say it. But he's human. I didn't get mad at him, since I asked him to admit the problem, I'm not about to go punishing for a dish I asked to be served.
Men are visual creatures. They are deep when it comes to feelings, but don't express themselves as well as we can. He loves you, just like mine does me. He wants to be attracted to you, and this is really affecting him. He can't help that. He's not choosing these feelings, they're just there. And that's ok. I know I need to lose weight, he knows it too. Now it's out in the open, I can't be mad about it. Now I'm accountable to someone. I'm someone's fantasy and desires, and I'm supposed to care about that as a wife. Just like I want him to care about my desires towards him. We're supposed to work on keeping ourselves attractive and wanted. Keep the passion and lust there.
My confidence was absolutely shot, and I was mad at him for that. But after a couple of days of going through the process, denial, anger, depression, realisation, acceptance, you learn that they still do care. I asked him if I was still beautiful in some way to him and he said yes of course.
They need to show you that you're still their everything and they love you no matter what, they are, however, allowed to want the best you. As you are them.
We're home now and now I can start my lifestyle changes unimpeded. I'm more motivated than anything because I want to look sexy for my husband and feel it myself. My husband shared with me, it's even the road they see you on that's not so appealing, the road of weight gain and they panic that you will become obese and then what? So they react now, they try to nip in the bud as best they can. And honestly how would you handle it if your man started gaining weight? Would you say something?
The tricky part is that it won't disappear overnight, so staying confident and happy is hard. But you're worth it! You're partner is the person who pushes you to be the best version of you! Be thankful someone cares about you so much they want to see you happy. We complain about ourselves so much and never do anything about it. They must get sick of it. Listen to him when he says you're beautiful and everything he wants. He means it.
I joke with my husband about my weight now, it's still sensitive but we're moving through it. I want so much to be his everything. And when I pull it off and look amazing and feel amazing he'll have to work his ass off too for me!
@coffeebean2490, I hate to be a Negative Nelly when you seem to be more or less okay with the situation and are using it as positive reinforcement, but I'm really disturbed by what you have described.
So, I'm assuming, you have gained what? Maybe 10-15 pounds over a few months? Yet, over that relatively minor change, he is not as attracted to you to the point where your sex life...even as newlyweds...drastically declined. That is really alarming and your H sounds incredibly shallow.
Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying we as people (men and women) shouldn't work to keep ourselves attractive to our spouses. I would be a bit sympathetic if a person's SO gained a huge amount of weight within a 1-2 years of getting married, because 40+ pounds can really alter the way a person looks, plus their health can potentially suffer. But it sounds like you are a healthy, fairly trim weight. Yet it was still a turn-off for him.
Generally speaking, it is much harder for women to lose and maintain weight than it is for men. I'm assuming you are fairly young (under 30) or you would already know what I am talking about. I can almost guarantee you, you will gain weight as you age. Most women do. I've always had a sluggish metabolism and I swear it cut in half when I hit about 30. Also, if you are planning to have children (or more children if you already have one), many women gain a bit of weight they sometimes can't shake off during that process. Or maybe they don't gain weight, but their body shape becomes a bit different.
At any rate, I'm taking a long time to say that it is entirely possible that at some point in your life you might gain some weight you won't be able to lose. Then what? Is your H going to reject you most of the time because you don't have the same figure you did at 20, 25, or 30?
I feel like I'm being so mean and harsh, but I'm really just trying to be helpful. Hopefully with time, your H will become less shallow. That is entirely possible. But if it were me, these are concerns I would address with him now. Not in an argumentative way, but in a "I've been thinking...for the future, I've become concerned about..." and see what he has to say. Maybe just pointing out the natural facts that you will both gradually age and look different will give him a different perspective on things.
And as an aside, I feel like my post comes off like its all downhill after 30. It's not! I'm 41 and my happiest years have been the last few and life just keeps getting better. Was I way "hotter" and "skinnier" when I was 25? Sure I was. But I'm still gorgeous and now have the confidence that comes with age to back it up!