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moving...inlaws are following us.
Hello Everyone,
This might be a very long post, we'll see how this goes. My husband and I got married in August. He graduated college in May and got accepted into Fisk univ. in Nashville TN for his master degree. I would also like to add that I got pregnant a month after we got married, the baby is due anytime now. As soon as we told my inlaws about Fisk univ. and that we were moving this summer, my father in law offered to make a family vacation out of the trip for them so they could follow us and help us unpack. I thought to myself " surely he is kidding." I asked my husband about it later on, he said that he wasn't kidding. Then I thought that my mother in law would try to talk him out of it. Now the whole family ( 9) people will be following us to Nashville with me having a brand new baby and stopping every 5 mins to feed him. My family is not offering to go with us. Am I over reacting? Or is this outrageous? I mean what father in law offers to follow their grown son and his family to another state? If yall could give me any insight or other stories to make me feel like it could be worse, please share. I would love to think that this could be a lot worse. Thanks.
Re: moving...inlaws are following us.
O.k....
The idea of his parents wanting to come and help - I don't see the big deal w/ the theory of that idea. Moving is a PITA, especially if you have a young baby to handle at the same time.
And in reading your post, that seems to be what you're upset about - "how DARE they offer to come help us!!!!". And I don't get your anger over that aspect.
BUT that being said....
The fact that your FIL TOLD you this is what they were doing - that's an issue. Also - NINE people? That's a lot and I don't know how much I see that really being "help".
I can't quite figure out where your DH is. Does he care? Is he happy they are comign? Is he not happy but afraid to speak up? What is his reaction?
To a degree, I can't fully give you my thoughts w/o knowing where your DH is/ what his reaction
I will say this, though. His whole family is coming? They need to stay in a hotel. You are NOT hosting 9 people in your home when you're trying to move into that home. I would hope that this is already the plan. If it's not- you need to talk to your DH about this and if he gives you 'but they are family! They have to stay WITH us", then it might be time for a come to Jesus talk.
However- I really don't want to make any assumptions about him.
ANother peice of advice- stop comparing your families. What your family would/wouldn't do is immaterial. ALL families are different. Not wrong or right, just different.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
My husband is happy they are coming. I think mostly because he will get to spend more time with them because they are helping with the move. We are thankful for their help. Originally the whole family was not coming, just a few of the older children to help. I'm not sure how it got turned into the whole family coming. They will be staying in a hotel. I am afraid that they will over stay their welcome in Nashville. My husband says they will be staying three days.but that could change.
I am also concerned that I will be an emotional wreak. What with a new baby and having to leave my family sooner. I don't want something to cause a fight and be on bad terms with them.
My sister in law did say that this is usually how the family likes to help. While my family offered money to help us move, they offer to physically help us move. But, couldn't they have hired movers? lol I have never heard when a child moves away for college you as the parent are supposed to follow them. Especially from north Texas to Nashville. My problem isn't that they want to help, its how they are going about it.
Again - different families/ different ways of doing things. Seriously- stop comparing. It's REALLY not unheard of for parents to help their kids move to college!
I am afraid that they will over stay their welcome in Nashville. My husband says they will be staying three days.but that could change.
To this - you and DH need to get on the same page. They'll be in a hotel. So what if they stay longer and want to sitesee? If you need to deal w/ the house, then deal w/ the house. They invite you along? Say "Thanks, but we're busy". And get DH on the same page on this. Or they want to start doing stuff to the house and you're not ready? "Thanks, but we're not ready."
You and DH CAN set boundaries around this.
I am also concerned that I will be an emotional wreak. What with a new baby and having to leave my family sooner. I don't want something to cause a fight and be on bad terms with them.
This really makes no sense, and it's almost like you're setting yourself up to have an attitude. Back off from this. Being an "emotional wreck" as some excuse for why you start a fight w/ his family is kind of a cop out. You're an adult. Handle your emotions as an adult.
In the end, they ARE trying to help you. Yes- I understand the concern of them overstepping their bounds, but this is where you and DH (if you're on the same page) DO have some control.
But if you're DH isn't on the same page as you and if he'll let them basically take over of the entire process - then you have a DH problem. Not an IL problem.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
Different equals different, it doesn't equal wrong.
And you've really never heard of parents helping their kids move when they go away to college? Is your husband the first college student you've ever met? Or has every single college student you've ever known had their parents drop them off at the Greyhound station with a suitcase and a "See you at Christmas"? How are kids supposed to get to college if their parents aren't helping them move?
I'm inclined to agree with PP's however, OP stated that her H is going back to get his Master's degree. How many people do you all know that go for their master's degree and have mommy and daddy help them move? I could maybe understand if it's their first year of college, but this is someone going for their master's degree.
Either way, OP, if your H's family offered to help you guys move, I say take the help. It's a nice gesture for them and believe me, you will appreciate the help since you guys will be moving with a new born and it's not like you're moving down the block.If you are worried about them overstaying their welcome, just make sure you and your H are on the same page about that, but this seems harmless enough. Good luck.
Honestly, after moving a gazillion times in my lifetime (and I'm actually moving again this week!) I would say it is very, very thoughtful and helpful of them to follow you and help you unpack! Now, if they're planning to stay at your new place and cram in like sardines, then no, that doesn't work. But if they're willing to get a hotel for themselves and help you with all the manual labor of unpacking (it's a LOT of work!) then trust me, you WANT their help!
As for the actual driving part, they will just have to deal with it. Explain to them that YOU will be the lead car and YOU will decide when to stop and take a break. Surely they will be understanding of you and not complain about it, but if they do, tell them to keep on driving and you'll catch up with them when you get there.
I understand that it might seem like an infringement on your privacy, but as along as they let you set the pace and they get their own hotel, then definitely take all the help you can get!
ETA: Just read your post that says they are staying in a hotel, so that's definitely a plus! Also, whenever my siblings and I moved away to college for the first time, my dad helped us move. It's a ton of work and it's great to have extra hands to help with the manual labor. Plus, it allows you to focus on your baby and not have to worry about all the work that must be done. Once they're gone, you can settle into your new home by yourselves and set up the way you want it.
Another tip: label every single box with the room it goes in, so as they unpack the boxes, they can just carry it to that specific room. It makes things go a lot smoother and you don't have to be there to supervise!
Honestly, you come across as looking for something to complain about. You will have a new baby so you will be of little help to your husband with the move. Let them do this for you, it is very kind and generous. Say thank you, and stop with this " my family wouldn't do this " nonsense. Some families travel together and help each other move. That is ok and there is nothing wrong or weird about it. Accept it and move on.
Dear Lord, of all the things to complain about.
He's too immature to stand up to his father -- cheez, you and HE are supposed to be the new family, not you and him and his parents and whoever else is in the wings on this one.
Take charge of this NOW.
If you have to, leave a day early and leave without telling them. This is a mess and a big one; no way would I stand for this if I were you.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
I understand he's going for his masters. It's still not uncommon for families to help other family members move, period. Dude just graduated from college, so that makes him what, 22 or 23? It's not like he's 45 and they're helping him move.
I think OP is just looking for something to b!tch about because his family is daring to do something differently than the way her family would do something. She's still a newlywed and she seems bound and determined to make her relationship with her in-laws as difficult as possible by comparing everything they do to the way her family does things.
I tend to agree.
OP- your husband's family is taking a large chunk out of their family vacation to help their son, his wife and their newborn move very far away. That is very nice and generous of them.
What are you complaining about here? They are not planning to stay with you. They are not planning to even be in your car with you. You literally have 9 people driving very far, willing to stop and travel on your schedule according to your needs so that they can help with your baby and your furniture.
Seriously. You need to turn your attitude toward them around before you create problems where there needn't be any.
Chronically hilarious - you'll split your stitches!
I wrote a book! Bucket list CHECK!
http://notesfortheirtherapist.blogspot.co.uk
OP - you asked for someone to remind you that it could be a lot worse. From your title, I thought you were saying that your ILs decided to move so they could still live near you. That, to me, is a lot worse.
I've moved a lot through college and grad school, and H and I are facing our first move soon with all of both of our belongings... If his family wanted to come help, I'd be all over it, and I don't even like them very much. Moving is hard, and I think what they're doing is generous. To say "why can't they just pay a moving company?" is kind of ridiculous - helping you themselves costs a whole lot less money, and they get to see their son, DIL, and new grandchild while they do it. I would be a little iffy about them bringing 9 people (especially if not everyone can help) and wanting to do the whole drive together, but the help moving? You're lucky to get it.
FWIW, PPs, my mom helped me move to grad school when I was 21. For me, it was less the moving (I didn't have much stuff out of college) and more the driving - it was a 3-day drive and I didn't want to have to stop too often. I asked her to drive with me and flew her back when we got there.
"You know you're in love when you don't want to fall asleep because reality is finally better than your dreams." - Dr. SeussWow...the audacity and apronstring binding to offer your child assistance to move across country. And even more horrendous of them to offer to help their son when he has a newborn child to worry about ON TOP OF a move.
I guess that when I had to PCS across the country while my husband was deployed I should have figured out how to do it all on my own (you know keep on top of the movers packing and unpacking, driving two cars and making it in the 3 days it would take the movers) without my father.
After living on my own for 10 years, I guess I just reverted back to a child and my parents wanted to somehow put me under their parental thumb again.
I mean, it had NOTHING to do with being helpful and loving.
Seriously?
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
When my son moved from Michigan to DC 4 years ago to attend a Master's program at George Washington University my daughter, my fiance at the time (now husband) and a few of his friends all drove behind him, one with the moving van, to help him settle in. This was my son's first foray to live somewhere other than our home. I didn't consider this weird. I'm not sure how I would have considered it if he were married, but he was glad we were there to help him move.
When we moved into the house we live in now 18 years ago, my daughter was 7 days old. My parents, her dad's parents and siblings all helped us move into this 10 room home. I recall fondly sitting on a lawn chair in the living room while they put up bookcases, moved furniture in, while I breastfed my daughter. I couldn't have done it without all this help.
No two families are alike. You will need help and should understand this. Good luck.
I think you are taking what I said the wrong way - and I apologize if it came across as me being some ungrateful person that would not even accept help if offered. It's just that other posters are making it seem like OP's H is a helpless little boy just starting out, when that's not the case, but I never said that OP should refuse the help. Idk - I've never personally been through this scenario before - I moved to another state, and even to another country at one point, and I had zero help from my family, but it's true, every family is different. When H & I moved into our house last year, we had help from my IL's and I was more than happy to accept it. They can be a bit of a PIA sometimes, but they would bend over backwards to help us.
I'm actually wondering now if there is more to OP's original story that is making her be skeptical against getting help from her IL's - like are they generally intrusive on other aspects of their lives or something like this that is making her not want them to tag along when they move. That is all.
No,it is not just your impression of the OP.
To be honest, the way she worded her original and subsequent posts...the shock that her inlaws would even consider helping, leads me to believe that this was an open offer that her very smart husband (you know the one who looked at trying load, drive and unload an entire household on his own ON TOP OF helping his wife and brand new baby and recognized the need) accepted, not one that was foisted on her.
Me thinks the OP is not happy with the move, not happy leaving her family and deep-down jealous that his family stood up and offered physical assistance and her family didn't do the same.
And to compensate for her feelings of jealousy and disappointment in her family she has to make the offer out to be wrong.
So yes, even more so, I agree w/ your analysis of what's going on.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
So, after reading everything everyone had to say, I realized that this is somewhat a normal offer that families give. I am grateful that they are helping us pack things up. Now I am trying to be grateful that they want to help unload as well. I talked with my H about it. He said that he needs to include me in the conversations with his dad about the move. We have realized that I really don't understand the plan for the move. So he has promised to include me. In the end, I just don't want this move to cause an issue between us and his family. I was not looking for something to complain about, I was wanting to see if this was a normal offer. And that I shouldn't be stressing about it. Which is what I found. Thank you for putting my mind at ease. And making me realized that there are somethings that still need to be worked out.
Thanks, everyone.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
DH and I are moving Friday and we have family coming to help us. My parents are driving 6 hours here to help us move 5 miles. My MIL is driving 2 hours to help us move. Now my parents are staying in a hotel and will only be here two days. My MIL is staying with us (I was not consulted on this) and has not said when she will be leaving. I am cool with her staying with us since was moved into a different job that pays less last year. BUT I am so grateful that so many people will be here to help us. Moving is a PITA and having people here to help us unpack will be wonderful.
Take a minuet to think about the fact that you have unpaid help who are willing to lighten your load!
I think that you SERIOUSLY underestimate just how worthless you're going to be during the moving process. If you plan to breastfeed, you're barely going to be able to put the baby down for the first 2-3 months. If you bottlefeed, you're still going to have to stop what you're doing every 2 hours to make up a bottle and sit with the baby for anywhere from 10 - 45 minutes while they drink. And again, there's no guarantee that your newborn will be the type that is able to sleep on their own in a bassinet while you move and unpack boxes.
See this for what it is - an extremely generous offer to a young couple that could really use it. They don't have to unpack your bedroom and toiletries, but I bet you'll appreciate them unpacking your kitchen and getting your necessities out and ready for you. Seriously, you're going to look back on this and be out-of-your-mind thankful for the help.
It's different depending on the family, but honestly if I were in your shoes I would be happy for their help. Admittedly 9 people is a lot, but you and your husband would have a REALLY hard time moving across the country with a new baby with no help. And how much help do you think you'll really be while taking care of your new little bundle of joy? I would just accept the help and be grateful that you have the support.