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Post-Miscarriage Behavior
I wasn't quite sure where to post this. I had a miscarriage two years ago this month and I still get kind of sick about it. I don't know if "sick" is the best word, but it's just a tender spot in my heart still. The whole experience was awful.
I know it wasn't the right time for us to have a baby and our lives would be radically different today and I "was only" 8-10 weeks pregnant and miscarriages are very common and all that stuff I try to tell myself like it will somehow make it hurt less and make more sense. It doesn't work and it still hurts.
No one in either of our families know about it, so really my only source of support is my SO. He's nurturing, but he copes differently than me and we've been so busy trying to buy a house that we haven't had a chance to talk about it. We just instinctively kept it secret, in part because his mother was pregnant at the time.
I guess I just wanted to share and see if anyone had any advice or experience.
Re: Post-Miscarriage Behavior
I'm so sorry for your loss. Have you had any individual our couples counseling since the m/c? That could help you both handle the grief better.
I know there are other resources out there for pregnancy loss, but I don't know much about them. Your local hospital or birthing center may have a support group for pregnancy loss. For other resources, you could try asking on the TTCAL board on the Bump, or on Getting Pregnant here on TN.
"You know you're in love when you don't want to fall asleep because reality is finally better than your dreams." - Dr. SeussYou shouldn't feel shame about hurting over this. Yes, the statistics say miscarriage happens much more often than people think, but that doesn't change the fact that you had a loss and you are going through this. You need to allow yourself time to grieve, and you need to talk to your SO about it. I also think counseling would be helpful. There might even be a therapist in your area that specializes in this kind of thing. Maybe you could ask your OBGYN for recommendations. I'm sorry for your loss.
Lurker here but thought I should share. The Bump has a great pregnancy loss board. I went through two myself and it was really nice to be able to talk with others who have gone through it as well.
Sorry you had to go through that. You may never forget it but it does get better.
It is really important that you are able to talk about your feelings without hurting your husband. That does not mean you should avoid conversations or sharing your feelings but that you recognize what topics could be determine to his grief/recovery. That could mean telling a close friend of seeking a professional situation (support group of individual). It is good to mourn but if you feel like it is still very raw and you have not processed I would seek help, grief can easily lead to depression. My husband is still dealing with the fallout from not dealing with his darker emotions.
I have experienced loss at 7 wks and 28 weeks, its never something that goes away 100% (I don't have 2 m/c's in my ticker b/c I couldn't deal with seeing all of it at once). There is a quote from a book I read 3 years ago after we lost our son, it really summed up the conflicting feelings I had.
"I want to acknowledge that life goes on but that death goes on, too, that a person who is dead is a long, long story. You move on from it, but the death will never disappear from view. Your friends may say, Time heals all wounds. No, it doesn't, but eventually you feel better. You'll be yourself again. Your child will still be dead. The frivolous (happy) parts of your personality, stubborner than you imagined, will grow up through the crack of your soul. " Elizabeth McCracken
Baby Boy loved for 15 weeks, 5/31/11
Baby Girl loved for 16.5 weeks. 3/1/12
What is important: that you and he stick together on this. Everybody reacts to grief differently.
Thank you so much, all that have responded! I'm so sorry for the losses that you many of you have endured and I'm so grateful that you've shared your experiences and recommendations with me.
You shouldn't feel shame about hurting over this. Yes, the statistics say miscarriage happens much more often than people think, but that doesn't change the fact that you had a loss and you are going through this. You need to allow yourself time to grieve, and you need to talk to your SO about it. I also think counseling would be helpful. There might even be a therapist in your area that specializes in this kind of thing. Maybe you could ask your OBGYN for recommendations. I'm sorry for your loss.
I never thought about asking my OB/GYN... Thank you for the suggestion!
I'm so sorry for your loss. Have you had any individual our couples counseling since the m/c? That could help you both handle the grief better.
I know there are other resources out there for pregnancy loss, but I don't know much about them. Your local hospital or birthing center may have a support group for pregnancy loss. For other resources, you could try asking on the TTCAL board on the Bump, or on Getting Pregnant here on TN.
The Bump has a great pregnancy loss board. I went through two myself and it was really nice to be able to talk with others who have gone through it as well.
We haven't tried any couple's counseling, though I did some individual for a while. We could definitely look into that. I'll take a look at the hospitals and see if they have a support group, that's a great idea.
And thank you! I will look over at the Bump and check out Getting Pregnant.
I'm sorry you went through this and are still hurting from it. I've never had it happen so I can't offer any words of wisdom specific to miscarriage. However, I will say that it's always better to not rely on only one person during hard times. It's not fair to your husband for a multitude of reasons, the least of which being that he suffered a loss as well and will grieve in his own way. I second the previous suggestions of a therapist or even just confiding in a close friend.
I've done my best to acknowledge that we cope differently, but he is so often my source of strength because we're a team... It was definitely a loss for both of us, so that is a good way to keep it in perspective. Thank you!
I'm so sorry for your losses. Thank you for sharing that excerpt, I like it. It puts it into a validating perspective.