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Is My Husband Cheating?
About two weeks ago, I found some texts on my husband's phone, that he had kept hidden from me, to a female co-worker, Jill (not her real name). Basically, he told her he "couldn't wait to see her," and that "he would feel so much better when get got to see her." He admitted it was flirty and inappropriate, and that he shouldn't have sent the texts but strongly insisted everything was platonic between them.
Fast forward to tonight, husband has a work meeting (that's legit, they have Sunday night meetings on a quarterly basis) and some people usually go to a nearby bar after the meeting, which is also typical. I text him to see who all is there and he tells me he is at the bar with Jill (and a couple of other people).
Husband doesn't think this is a big deal because they were in a group and he told me she was there when I asked. I am really upset because he was at a bar with a girl he had previously lied about flirting with and since I don't trust him regarding Jill, I have no real idea if there was anyone else there, what happened while there, etc.
Would you consider this a breach of trust? What should I do? What would you do? Any and all feedback is much needed as I am feeling so alone right now and it's too late to turn to anyone IRL. I hope there are some of you out there with some advice. Thanks so much in advance.
Re: Is My Husband Cheating?
No, I wouldn't call that a breech of trust. If this is the "norm" after this meeting (going out for drinks), then he's just doing what they normally do.
However, I understand why it bothers you that he's with her. What else do you know? Who is she? How does he work with her? How often? Why was he sending those texts? What else has he done to show that he REALLYgets it that he know he was wrong?
Also, this was only 2 weeks ago! And your DH doesn't think it's a big deal he's with her? I'd actually say that if he wants to prove to you that he's serious and has learned a lesson, he wouldn't be out w her - at all.
He needs to be working WITH you. Not blowing your feelings off.
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DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
There may be some emotional cheating going on here, but it is very obvious that your husband is being inappropriate at the very least.
Like EastCoast said, I don't think it is inappropriate in and of itself that he went to happy hour, since you did say it is common. She probably usually attends the happy hour as well, so even that isn't exactly shady.
BUT: the situation is what makes his actions a big problem. He was very inappropriate with those texts, he admitted it, and he knew that you were upset. The fact that he went out into a social drinking situation with the girl he was inappropriate with when this was so fresh and he knew how terrible you felt about it shows me that he doesn't really care about your feelings. He isn't considerate. I'm also wondering how his reaction to those texts really was. Did he brush it off like it was no big deal and give some kind of insincere apology? Or did he truly take ownership for his actions? Trust has been broken even if he didn't actually cheat.
HMMMM! If you have suspicions I would not ignore them.....you are probably right. This whole situation sounds very familiar to me as this is exactly how a three year affair started with my husband and a woman he worked with. It lasted for so long because I ignored my gut and trusted him. I am now paying the price in trying to keep my family together. I am biased but men are not friends with women, period, especially ones they work with! I would consider scheduling the two of you a marital counseling session, not in the sense that you need to work this issue out but as a nonthreatening third party person to talk about what ever might be on your mind. A sweet heart weekend might be a good alternative if your husband doesn't want to see a therapist. Hopefully in talking to someone the guilt, if any should exist, will eat him up and he will come clean. In the meantime keep an eye on him and always ask to be a part of what he is doing, keep open communication with regards to his phone and emails and things so that you can feel free to check them....don't get obsessed with this behavior to create paranoia but just remain open to the possibilities that trust and good communication run hand in hand. if he is hiding something it will be obvious right away. Asking too many questions may put him on the defense naturally and you may create a mountain out of a mole hill if nothing is going on so try to formulate your questions in a noncritical way so that he doesn't feel like he needs to fight with you. Ask him one time to come home after his meeting without going to the bar and gage his reaction. If there is pause or this starts an argument then you might want to be concerned.
My husband brought his girlfriend around our house all the time and scheduled their dates with me so that I wouldn't be curious about who he was with. I guess he figured that having her be so close to our family and knowing that she and I were friends would lift the need to feel strange about their relationship. If Jill becomes your friend I would be concerned.
Bottom line, If you feel like something is going on, there is probably something going on! It is a horrible feeling to feel so alone but try and talk to your husband and don't run away from him right now, you need him to feel like he can come to you with whatever it is that is bothering him. And if he is seeking out the affection of another woman you need to find out why. HE may be going through a tough life experience that he doesn't know how to handle.....I emphasize HE because even if he is seeking the affection of another woman it doesn't have anything to do with you! Good Luck!
I would be upset about the text messages and what is going on between them for him to send her messages like that. I would not be upset about the going out for drinks after a meeting, if there had been no text messages.
Is there anything else that is going on in your relationship?
This. I would add that there is not normal amount of time. It may not be okay for a while, that is something you need to figure out. I would suggest you sit down and discuss what needs to be done to work rebuild trust. If other things begin to occur or already have then it might be that you cannot rebuild this relationship.
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Honestly, I would still be mad about the texts, not the drinks. I disagree with the PP who said that men and women cannot be friends-I have plenty of male friends and know plenty of males with female friends who are not "nice" guys trying to get in their pants-but the texts he sent were not friendly, at least in my world! In my world, those texts wouldn't be sent except to a very good friend(she's not) or as something overtly flirtatious.
I wouldn't be so concerned about the drinks, honestly-he told you she was there, and it seems kind of unfair to make him skip the work happy hour. Maybe he can invite you to it, or cut down on them in the mean time? I don't think that he was wrong in going to this happy hour because there were other people around, he couldn't tell her to go away, and I don't blame him for wanting to wanting to do after work social stuff, but you should sit down and tell him that you feel uncomfortable with him attending social occasions with her around for a little while. If he thinks that that is over a line, point out to him that his texts were over the line, and he needs to do a bit extra to regain your trust.
I don't blame you for being on edge-I would be to, with the thought of my husband hanging out with a girl he flirted with.
He sounds like he A) doesn't understand what a completely screwed up thing he did with the texts or
he knows and gets it and just doesn't care.
What I would do is kick his a$$ out or get into marriage counseling. He works with this woman and he sees her everyday at work. If you have no trust you will wear yourself out stressing about what they are doing together while at the office. This isn't fair nor healthy for you.
Fishy that he is hiding those texts from you. You can't trust this guy. Why are you even still with him, given his actions in the past were not appropros of a happily married man?
I wouldn't be annoyed about the drinks, because it was a work thing with other colleagues present. Do you get annoyed that he goes to the office, since she's there?
But the texts? Or more importantly, the lying about the texts? That's a problem. If he lied about it, it means he knows he was over the line. Whether anything more than flirting happened is somewhat irrelevant, because he knows he was doing something inappropriate, since he felt the need to lie about it.
My H did this. I asked him about some flirty texts. He lied. We talked about it. We decided to split up. We lived happily ever after! So there's hope!
But seriously, the fact that he's lying is a huge red flag. I have no idea what else he and his new girlfriend were up to while we were married, but it didn't really matter. I used to lie about stupid stuff (like how much time I spent on The Nest) to avoid an argument. It turns out that all of these things were issues that really ought to have been discussed and resolved. In the end he didn't want to go to counselling and fix all the broken things, so that was that. I've since sworn never to lie to my SO. Except about surprise parties.
This exactly. Those text messages are really sketchy. It doesn't prove that he is physically cheating, but having those types of feelings for someone and communicating it... there is at least some kind of emotional attachment there. He should have known better than to go out to the bar with this woman, whether or not it's typical after these meetings. That was really insensitive and plain old stupid on his part.
I think that he was going doing what he usually does after this quarterly meeting... going to the bar.
Is the cheating? In my book yes but DH and I both agree that anything you wouldn't do in front of each other (flirting, texting, etc) is 100% cheating. Flirting in a guys mind is entertaining the idea of being intimate with her.... that is not okay. But every relationship has its own set of rules so some people would disagree with this.
A good man would explain to this coworker that he crossed a line and it would be best if they could try to not work as closely in the future. Just my opinion but that is exactly why I married a rather shy guy who won't even go to a female hairdresser haha
You say you found the texts "that he had kept hidden from me," and that he "admitted it was flirty and inappropriate."
My questions are:
Already there is a major trust issue, and being confronted by something "hidden" (hidden or discovered? was it planned covert texting or ...?).
I'd be pretty upfront and say, "Your relationship with Jill makes me feel uncomfortable. I'm unhappy about any texts that are flirty, specially to someone with whom you have a professional relationship. The flirty texts between you need to stop. If your relationship with her is becoming more of a friendship than a work relationship then I'd feel a lot better if I got to know her, too. Perhaps we can plan an evening with her and whomever she's seeing so we can get to know each other."
Then see what he says. Good luck.