Married Life
Dear Community,
Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
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Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Do the little things really count?
Hi guys! Newbie here! I have been married for almost 6 months now, and so far we are enjoying our marriage....but honestly it doesn't feel that much different than before. We got married on our 5 year [dating] anniversary, and we still have hearts flying out of our eyeballs! One thing I am noticing though is our disagreements....they are always in reference to something stupid! Most couples I know argue about infidelity, money, kids, jobs, etc...but us? No, we argue about whose turn it is to wash the dishes, if we did or didn't have sex, exercise, etc. Is that weird??? I mean, I am GLAD that we are not fighting over the main sources for divorce, but is this really any better? It doesn't happen a lot, but it happens enough for me to notice the pattern. Gah!!! Sometimes I wonder if I am doing this thing called "being a wife" right. Please help me!!!!
Re: Do the little things really count?
DH and I used to fight about little things like that all the time.. We have now been married for 3 years and they come up far less often. Eventually you will just realize how dumb it is.
We play "rock, paper, scissors" to decide whose turn it is to do things- best of 3!
Also, it takes two people to argue, so don't shoulder all of the blame!!
Hey there,
My husband and i have been married for a year this month (23rd) and we have been living together for 5 years and we used to argue over who does dishes, or does a load of laundry, but i have noticed in the last year or so it just gets done, like if we see the dishwasher getting full one of us will start it (usually him on his lunch break) and when i get home at 4:30 i will open it and start to empty it and put it away, same with laundry, i will start, he will switch over, and one of us will end up getting it from the dryer. But yes, to answer your question that used to happen. We in a way, grew out of it i guess.
It's the little things that are irksome and drive some people crazy. It sounds like you are arguing about chores, which no one wants to do. Maybe discuss a way of breaking them down? My husband knows I HATE cleaning and laundry. We had an agreement that I'd do all the cooking & cleaning up afterward, all the home remodels & outdoor work (not requiring heavy lifting, which he helps with), as long as he cleans. He does his laundry, I do mine. But, we were both single parents for many years before we married, so we were used to doing it all ourselves.
I used to feel guilty about being on the computer or watching tv when he was cleaning the house until I realized that when I'm cooking dinner, he's watching tv. No more guilt! If you can split up the chores by trying to match them to what you like best (although we like very few of them), maybe you can find a way to split them.
Good luck.
Sounds pretty normal to me. For a while I really tried to have us equally divide chores because we were both working full time but I had a hard time because I like things done certain ways. Basically all of the "must be done daily" chores have to be mine because he doesn't put in the same kind of effort I do. When it comes to cleaning the whole house he's great because he can do the work for the other three rooms while I just focus on the kitchen & laundry lol.
I would say it is more often the little things that wear down a marriage. Both people begin feeling unappreciated and nagged. It also makes you feel like you don't belong together. Yes of course infidelity and budget issues ruin marriages... but I think both of those are more often symptoms of just not really liking each other very much.
What you are describing is not really anything at all though. If its like once a week you guys just get on each others nerves then that is just part of being together.
For us the opposite happened. We lived together for 3 years before getting engaged. After getting married the little things just no longer mattered. He is going to by my husband when I'm 60 years old, does it really matter if he didn't fold that laundry last night? Of course not! It doesn't mean I don't get irritated but things just roll off my back a lot easier when I look at the big picture.
I also know that he loves me and would never do anything to intentionally upset me... so it's irrational to ever think he is knowingly doing something wrong. That breeds contempt and contempt is what ruins a marriage. For example, if you did the dishes twice and he hasn't done them a good response is to think "he probably just hasn't gotten around to it yet, I'll talk to him" instead of the contemptuous response "he is doing this on purpose so I will have to do them like his slave!!" The latter is irrational in a loving relationship and that is what leads to most divorces that I have seen.