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vent- lazy DH- long!
DH and I moved into our new house on Sunday. All of our stuff and furniture (minus our bed and hang-up clothes) is sitting in boxes in the living room, because we are painting the bedrooms this weekend, and didn't want to put everything away, just to move it out again. I started deep cleaning the kitchen Sunday afternoon, and started putting stuff away. Meanwhile, he "oversaw" the carpet cleaners working, and did a quick overview of the house (checking the sprinkler system, AC unit, and a few other things).
We went to Home Depot together and picked out a few things, and once we got back home, I went back to work in the kitchen. He set up the TV and sat down on the couch, and just watched TV until we went to bed around 11:00. Mind you, he also asked me to make him dinner! I asked him to just order a pizza, but he refused, so I microwaved us some chicken pot pies.
Yesterday after work, I cooked dinner and started working on unpacking a few more kitchen items. I swept behind the dishwasher and stove, and then got the kitchen almost 100% done. Since we plan on painting for the next few weekends, I went around the entire house removing switchplates and taking the closet shelves down. He went to Home Depot again to get our new locks re-keyed (we bought them Sunday, but they couldn't re-key them at that time). When he got home, he ate, and then sat in front of the TV. I asked if he would help unpack at all.. And he said "in a minute." I didn't push it, and kept cleaning and unpacking a few odds and ends, and also went to Target to buy a grad present for my little brother (who is graduating today). When I got home I asked him what he did while I was gone, and he said "I was going to install the new locks, but couldn't because I don't have a power drill." I shrugged and wrapped my bro's present, then started rearranging the boxes so it would be easier to find things for the rest of the week. Still.. he was not doing anything but watching TV.
While I was removing the switchplates, I discovered that the kitchen and bathrooms were wallpapered and then painted over, so I asked when he wanted to take the wallpaper down. He said he didn't want to at all. I convinced him that it was a good idea to do so, and I said I'd look up a good way to get it done quickly. For the rest of the night, I rearranged boxes and opened as many as I could. I moved all of our car stuff into the garage and cleaned one of the bathrooms. I didn't even eat until 9:30. During the whole evening, all DH did was sit on his butt, and then set up the TV in our bedroom... When I finally got done with what I was doing, I went into the bathroom to take a shower only to find out that he forgot to buy a shower curtain rod at Home Depot, so there was a huge mess to clean up after I was done with my shower.
I just emailed him instructions I found to get rid of painted over wallpaper and his response was "If you really think it's necessary, then do it, but I don't." So I get the feeling he doesn't want to help. I mean, really, I don't care if he doesn't want to help. I am pretty good at DIY stuff turning out good, but I am just very annoyed that he hasn't been a huge help so far! I hope it is just stress over one of his classes or his job or something because I am NOT going to maintain a house by myself!
Re: vent- lazy DH- long!
How long have yall been married? Just a couple months? I ask because I can imagine newlywed me handling this situation like you have. Married for 6 years me just tells him what to do! The key to any marriage is communication. We've all heard that before, but it's not until things go really wrong a few times that it sinks in lol. So let's start communicating by telling him to get off his a$$! Don't be sweet or cute - be firm. "Hey mister, you wanna live here, too? Get off your butt and do any of the items I've written down for you on this list." Men like lists, so for the rest of your married lives, when there's a bunch of stuff to be done, give him a list. Don't use too many words - they tune us out - be direct, be firm, be clear.
And dear God, why are you dropping everything to cook for him when you have other things to do!? He's a grown man! You're not Donna Reed and it's not 1954! And you certainly aren't his mama. Shift the power dynamic in your marriage fast or you're gonna be unhappy quick.
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Thinking of doing cosmetic updates to a dated home? These were our costs.
So you didn't ever actually ask him to do anything?
How about asking him point blank to do something? Quit martyring yourself and speak up.
Also, a time frame or goal might be nice. "Tonight let's just get 8 boxes put away and then we'll stop." 'Cus it sounds like you don't stop until you fall into bed.
If none of the above works, I'd simply sit down and watch tv with him. When he has to rifle through boxes to find things he'll get the hint.
FWIW: I'm the type of person who when I have moved, has to have every picture hung and everything in it's place before I go to bed the first night. Lucky for me I married a hard working guy who understands. I do the lightweight stuff, he does the stuff I'm physically not capable of.
Men work best when told. Remember that.
Good luck.
Your response about dropping what you were doing to make him dinner? You said something about how it wasn't a big deal because it only took ten minutes and you were tired of fast food? I'm still not sure why HE couldn't make it since he wasn't the one actually busy with anything else.
I hate to break it to you, but you are setting yourself up for a failed marriage. Either that, or you are going to have to be okay with complacently mothering and waiting on this man hand and foot for the rest of your life. And if you have kids? You may as well just count him as one already because I promise you he'll be the type to get jealous of the attention you give to your own children.
Here's how you fix:
1) GET RID OF THE T.V. First, get rid of the one in the bedroom. Ooops! You dropped it while you were stuck removing wallpaper all by yourself.
I'm sorry, but television is a relationship killer. Why? Because it's a communication killer. This man has already made it clear that he'd rather sit braindead in front of the t.v. than help you around your new home. This will NEVER change unless you can have a conversation with him about it. I'm sorry to rant at you, but laziness is a huge peeve of mine. Maybe suggest getting some work done together - just an hour or two each night - and then you can "reward" yourselves with a television show before bed. I find using the words, "I'm really unhappy" can have an effect - maybe say, "I'm really unhappy with how slowly we're progressing with this move-in," and then, like others suggested, tell him what you need help with. If he still doesn't care, wow. Then you might have bigger problems on your hands than laziness.
^This is brilliant advice.