Is marriage "work"?

TheNewIDo

Gwyneth Paltrow confessed to what Ben Affleck admitted a few months ago ? marriage is hard and it takes work.

Why do so many believe marriage is ?hard? and ?work?? And why does the idea of marriage being ?hard? or ?work? cause so many to get incensed?

Do you think marriage is "work"? And, is that a bad thing?

 

Mrs.H.

I have never felt that my marriage was "hard" or "work".  

Next month will be our 13th anniversary so it isn't like we just got married and haven't hit a rough patch yet......

 

tiffanysbride

Yes it is work and yes it is hard. However not in the way you might think. It is work because you can't coast, just because things are good doesn't mean you can ignore each other or stop communicating. It's hard because you are living with another individual and you have to put aside what you want and think about the other person. Even petty stuff like watching a show you think is stupid. If both people are doing that you end up with a good marriage where both people's needs and wants are being meet. 

EastCoastBride

To a degree, this is partially semantics.  what exactly does the person who says "it's hard" mean?  What does hard to them mean?  Same w/ the word "work". 

This honestly reminds me of the people who will say "we never fight", but they DO "have arguements".  But because they aren't yelling at each other, they feel it's not "fighting".  

To me, yes, there is some work involved.  I think EVERY relationship requires some degree of work.  

Past that, every relationship is different.  I do think that some relationships require more work than others.  Different people, different personalities, etc, - it's all going to play a role in how easy or hard a relationship is to make work. 

AND I think that some relationships truly are HARD because the people probably don't actually belong together but they are trying to force a square peg into a round hole.

JemmaWRX

Generally we get along great, we're on the same page with how to handle problems, and we basically want the same thing - simply to be happy.

But there have been hard times and I know we will encounter more as the years go on.  We've had issues with my ILs, job stresses that caused resentment in the relationship, etc.  Obviously we always got through those problems and I don't doubt our ability to get through future problems that will come our way.  But that knowledge doesn't make it any better when you're in the thick of it.

For me personally, putting my ego on the shelf has been the hardest thing to do but the best thing for my relationship.  There were times when we were arguing or I was mad and I just hung on until I got tired of it.  Now I'm learning to let the little things go, to really just let it be over when it should be over, etc.  It doesn't seem that difficult to do, but it's always been my nature to hold grudges and prove why I'm right.  So that, in itself, was hard and required work.

I also think there are some people who just have no business being together.  And there are people who are wired the right way and found the right person and rarely have issues.  Every relationship is different.  But for me, yes, there are times when it's "work."

 

sillygoosegirl

Even if we all had the same kind of experience of marriage, I think we'd still disagree about whether or not it was "work" because we definitely all have different experiences of work.  

My DH loves his work.  He is excited to get up and go there in the morning, and at the end of the day, often he doesn't really want to leave.  He doesn't watch the clock, counting the minutes until he can go do something else.  He is excited about he does, and talks about it with pride.  Though sometimes there are tasks he doesn't enjoy, and sometimes it makes him worry, and sometimes he's in conflict with people there, but those are small bumps in the road to making a better product together than any of them could make on their own.  

You could describe our marriage in very similar terms.

Unfortunately, you couldn't describe my current or most of my past work experience in those terms.  I hope someday to have a job that could describe that way, but I haven't found it yet.  If our marriage was like some of the work experiences I've had, I'd be divorced.  No question.  

I do believe that marriages take work, but it should be like a great career, not like a dead end job.

I could say similar things about "hard."  There are good kinds of hard and bad kinds of hard.  Very often, the opposite of hard is boring.  I think it's only natural that a marriage would make some things harder, and some things easier.  It's hard for me when DH is going through a hard time, but when I am going through hard times, he is my rock, but I'm sure that's hard for him.  We're in this together, which has it's advantages and drawbacks.  If you paddle a boat together, that's hard because you need to come up with a rhythm to keep your strokes in sync.  But if you paddle a boat alone, you have to do all the work yourself.  Coupled or not, life is work, and I believe that the more you put into it, the more you will get out of it.  I don't think marriage means that you have to work harder most of the time, but you definitely do need to work smarter.  

TheNewIDo

I love what you said, especially "the more you put into it, the more you will get out of it." That applies to everything (as you note). No one will ever make things as "easy" for us as our parents did (and not every parent did that). Once we accept and embrace that (along with the fact that yes, we will die), we'll be OK.

gymbugmj2k

Marriage is what you make it.  I don't classify it as 'work' per-say (as 'work' to me means something not-so-fun), but it is something to pay attention to, and to put forth some conscious effort towards tending to it.

 In my opinion, an 'easy' marriage comes from great communication, honesty, respect and PATIENCE.   If you have built good habits with each of those....then marriage tends to be easier due to less fights/misunderstandings, less impatience and judgement, etc.

 

I'd be interested in learning more about people who think marriage is 'easy' vs a lot of 'hard work', and look at their communication styles and overall attitude towards everyday life.  I'm sure some patterns would emerge.

I do agree with what a previous person said -- that sometimes those who think marriage is hard and a lot of work, are couples who are trying to force something to work that just isn't.  This sometimes comes from an unrealistic expectation of what a relationship or marriage is supposed to be...which again comes down to good communication.  

 

*shrug* again -- just my own thoughts.  Clearly every relationship is different, so I cannot speak for those I don't know.  All i can say is my marriage has it's challenges (especially since neither of us are 'morning people!' haha), but in my mind it is not hard work at all.