Married Life
LaLovely
member
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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
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Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Thinking of separating.
in Married Life
Has anyone ever been separated and gotten back with their spouse and things got better? I have really tried just about everything. Counseling twice and both times quit because he thinks they are too hard on him and he feels I make him ,look bad. Talking to him, I am always the issue. Compromising, I always end up changing while he does nothing. I am at a loss of what to do. It?s to the point where we do more fighting than not. After 3 years of marriage it shouldn?t be this HARD should it? Would separation help?
Re: Thinking of separating.
Well I think in this case it might be helpful in one of two ways. Either he will have the chance to miss you and it may motivate him to step up, or you will realize you are happier apart from him and it will be a step toward independence and moving on with your life. I would suggest setting ground rules and clarifying how separation will work. Things like how will bills be paid, and if your money will be seperate, are you both allowed or not allowed to see other people, etc. That way you are on the same page as far as what being seperated entails.
I do wish you the best, and I hope this is the start of some positive changes. I can imagine it would be very difficult to go through, especially if this ends up being the beginning of divorce. At the same time, better to do it now when you are 3 yrs in instead of waiting another unahppy decade or so. You deserve a partner that is willing to put in the effort!
If he is unwilling to put in the effort to make things better, I don't see any other option than separating/divorce. If the counselors are too hard on him, it's because he's the one creating the problems. If he can't acknowledge that, then you are better off without him.
You're talking about separating and getting back together... asking if separation will help the marriage. I doubt it. If you do separate, I wouldn't necessarily bank on getting back together. You have exhausted all efforts up to now and so far he hasn't changed. I'd imagine it's very unlikely that he's suddenly going to see the error of his ways after a separation. (For the record, I have no first hand experience so I could be wrong - but considering what's transpired up to now, I find it highly unlikely that a separation will be just what your marriage needs).
I would advise you to go into this process with a realistic view of what will happen. I think it's unwise to separate with the hope saving your marriage considering your husband has been an unwilling participant in your relationship for the past three years. I wish you the best.
If he wont go to counseling with 100% enthusiastic cooperation, same thing.
3 years and you have these many problems?
Are you certain these problems did not exist before you got married?
Maybe it's possible this guy isn't mature enough to handle adult problems and now you're with him every day you see he can't handle those kind of issues.
You and he need to sit down, spell out what is wrong and the both of you need to address the issue -- and if that means counseling, he goes, no questions asked and enthusiastically. The rift you've got is only going to get larger.
If he doesn't want to go, you take it from there.
I could have written what you did 13-14 years ago. My ex (daughter's dad) was living here and we were trying to make it work. We'd go for counseling as a family and he would get MAD at me for telling the counselor things that were happening in our home. Seriously?
Because there were children involved (I had a child from a prior relationship), we did this merry-go-round for 3 years trying to save it. In the end it didn't get better, and he had to leave (the house was in my name). It was hard, our daughter was 5, but I knew her dad would always love her, but I needed my house to feel like the "home" I grew up in. I had to focus on my kids and their happiness no matter what.
I think you know it's not worth it, but are maybe afraid to admit it. While you are young enough you have to decide. Good luck.
I am so very sorry to hear this, I can imagine it is so hard on you. My husband and I had a very tough first few years of marriage, where I considered separating many times because he was unwilling to change. Then, I realized that I was the one who needed to change. I was spending so much time condemning him that I was completely neglecting my own personal development...and with an honest look at myself, I saw I wasn't the kind of wife I wanted to be. So I decided to let him off the hook, and focus all of my energy on doing things that would help me grow as a person, like reading, finding an older married woman as a mentor, and growing my own personal relationship with God. Even though it was hard, I stopped focusing n all the ways my husband had to change, and worked hard on my own rough spots (many of them!). Over about 3 months, I noticed that Andy started to change, too. Little by little, he grew into the man I've always wanted. He is an in resize father to ur children, a loving husband, and best of all, a joy to be around 90% of the time! All I had to do was release him, and allow him I the total space to become the man of my dreams.
i am not saying that, in some cases, separation is warranted (like abuse or infidelity), but I am challenging you to check your heart. If you are willing to let him "go" and work on yourself and becoming the wife you've always wanted to be, he may just have the emotional "room" to grow into the man you've always wanted. It happened for me
a great book that helped me during my "personal development" was "for women only" by Shaunti Feldhahn. I have a copy, a d would be happy to mail it to you
it's a gift.
I hope you'll stay string and keep me updated
and I wish you the very best!
I would advise you to edit your post ASAP to remove your personal address.