Trouble in Paradise
LizRN626
member
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Need advice on how to end things, very complicated...
I wouldnt normally seek advice in this manner, but I feel as though I need an unbiased opinion/advice. Basically I have been with my husband since I was14yrs old (he was 16). We married when I was 19, had a baby at 22, 24(lost baby), 25, 27. He was my one and only, as was I his. In the last few years we have had a stressed relationship. He can be very mean verbally and I have felt like a slave to my life basically. We have grown into VERY different people and have completely different personalities. It has reached the point that I cringe at his touch and I feel like he is a roommate. I do not love him anymore. Long story short, I have wanted to end things and he knew this. He cried and carried on and I said I would give it a shot. I am MISERABLE. I can't keep faking this. I feel like people are very judgemental on why I can't "make it work". On the flip side, in the past few weeks I have found someone else I care about but that is not what would make this decision for me. I have felt this way for a long time. What would be your advice? I feel like he wont let me let him go 
Re: Need advice on how to end things, very complicated...
Honestly, you have three kids. I think you owe it to yourself and the kids to seek some professional help to sort things out. I would see a counselor (just yourself) for a good while before I would make any decisions. If you do decide to do couples counseling, you could do that as well, but I think the individual is more important.
You may or may not decide to stay with your spouse, whatever you decide, I would not seek another relationship or date right away. Especially with three kids. You haven't ever really been on your own. Be single and independent for at least a couple years if you do decide to divorce.
When you've been married this long, you need a ticker to remind you.
Baby Boy M - 08/01/2013
Cinderin's advice is spot on in every way. Ending this relationship means your kids are going to be affected. They may be affected now because it's obvious Mommy & Daddy aren't happy, but at this moment you are together. It is at least worth attempting to salvage.
Having said that if you know in your heart it's not going to work after counseling, then do not allow yourself to be trapped by guilt or this relationship. BUT, I would certainly spend some time getting to know myself before jumping into a relationship with a new person. If you are meant to have a future with this person, then it will happen over time. Knowing who YOU are, what YOU want, means your children learn that they have a strong Mom, and you will be a better mother for it.
Good luck.
Drop this boyfriend or whatever he is and you decide if you want to stay or go.
You could ask him if he wants to get counseling and if he wants to work on the marriage and to save it but I'm getting the idea he'll say no to your suggestion.
What makes this sticky and rough is that there are kiddoes involved. Make sure you put them first. GL.
At the end of the day, it is better for the kids to have a happy divorced mama vs. a seriously unhappy married mama. I am also concerned about this anger issue you mentioned-does he go off in front of the kids?
I am not one to advocate divorce easily, and normally I would suggest counseling, but it isn't worth it if you are truly closed off to him and you know that for sure. Counseling only works if both parties are open. But I agree that you need to back off this other person. The worst thing you could do post-divorce is to jump right into another relationship. You need time to be alone and figure out who you are on your own. You don't know how to be without him at this point, because you have been with him since you were a child. There is value to being self-sufficient and comfortable with yourself without a man.
My parents were the same except opposite male and female roles from your story. My Dad was unhappy for years...they were together since they were 16. My mom was the one who constantly begged for him to stay...and he cheated at least 4 times we know of, but he stuck around because my mom kept throwing things about to make him feel obligated to stay....it was always a bad time.
Well, after 23 years of marriage he finally left for the other woman and she was DEVISTATED and still is. But, she was nearly 50 when he left. She would have had more chances at finding someone else had they separated much earlier.
Growing up in that house wasn't a piece of cake. I knew mom walked on eggshells. I never saw my parents be affectionate. My Dad didn't treat my mom well and I totally repeated this pattern in my first real relationship...and I was in that for awhile since I couldn't see the dysfunction.
Basically, I am trying to say that living in a house without seeing a loving parental relationship wasn't great...and seeing my parents unhappy wasn't fun. After growing up in that house, I believe that having two parents who love their kids that live separately is preferable to living inside a home that is emotionally broken.
But, also, I would recommend you going to counseling with him... partially because you owe it to your kids to make sure that there is no way you could both be happy again...before you make such an enormous decision for their future.
Never a good thing to jump from one thing to another,especially when it has been your only thing. I lived A LOT before marriage. Best thing I ever did! Figure out you, then look for a more suitable partner.
I'm guessing that you didn't listen when people told you not to marry your high school boyfriend. Or to get married so young. It didn't apply to you, right? Now you are regretting that.
When people are telling you now that you shouldn't jump into another relationship for awhile and be single and on your own for a bit, work on developing yourself, etc. you're not wanting to listen to that either, are you.
There is a reason people say these things, and if you don't want to be in another crappy situation that you regret you should start listening.
Chronically hilarious - you'll split your stitches!
I wrote a book! Bucket list CHECK!
http://notesfortheirtherapist.blogspot.co.uk
First drop the BF and the idea of being with another man for a long time. You need to put getting your life straightened out and the welfare of your children first. A BF is only going to complicate things and you've never even given yourself a chance to be on your own. Don't make the same mistake twice.
Figure out what you want and how you can support yourself as a single mom. See a lawyer before leaving the home or taking the children. Work on a fair custody and child support agreement. I agree with PP on seeing a therapist.
Good lord, you already have somebody else lined up and you're not even separated from your husband? So you want to jump from one mistake right into another mistake?
Here's my advice -- try being alone for a while. And I don't mean a month. I mean take a couple of years off -- AFTER THE DIVORCE IS FINAL -- from the dating scene entirely and find out who you are as a person all by yourself with no attachments. You don't need a man to complete you, I promise.
marriage is a covenant.
Get into counseling NOW. Talk. Discuss. Make small steps towards improving. Love him. Show him, even if he does not reciprocate. Marriage is your commitment. Not a commitment to feel good at all times and not one that doesnt go through rough patches but one that sees through it all. There are lots of books out there, look at Fireproof. Courageous. SOme mainstream books that are easy reads and had movies too,
If you end up divorcing you need you AND the kids in a divorce recovery program. Do not jump into another relationship. The one you have now is an affair be it verbal or other. End it. Focus on your marriage, Focus on you and the children.