Controversial question but I don't want drama....

julieandjojo

Hi everyone. I have a question but I know it can be a heated issue which is not what I'm trying to do. Please answer this question if you would like.

During a heated fight I hit my husband's shoulder after he threw something of mine on the ground in anger, when I mean I hit him it was like not punched or slapped but I guess whopped is a good description. I was wrong to do that. And I am uncomfortable with what happened next on his part. I am going to talk about it with him this afternoon but my question is ...

(In your opinion) When is it ok for a man to put his hands on a woman but not outright hit a woman (e.g. shaking, pushing onto a bed, grabbing her arm or shoulder, etc.) in anger?

Greco1014

I would say, never.

Apollo11235

Never.

That said, it's never okay for a woman to put her hands on a man in anger, either. Nor is it okay to throw someone's belongings in anger. But everyone has moments of weakness, and I don't think something like this has to end a relationship, especially if nobody was hurt. Instead, take it as clear evidence that you need help learning how to argue fairly and effectively. Even if you're able to resolve this fight, please get couples counseling to learn better ways to deal with disagreements.

ashleybunny8

Apollo11235:

Never.

That said, it's never okay for a woman to put her hands on a man in anger, either. Nor is it okay to throw someone's belongings in anger. But everyone has moments of weakness, and I don't think something like this has to end a relationship, especially if nobody was hurt. Instead, take it as clear evidence that you need help learning how to argue fairly and effectively. Even if you're able to resolve this fight, please get couples counseling to learn better ways to deal with disagreements.

Apollo said it perfectly.

EastCoastBride

Apollo11235:

Never.

That said, it's never okay for a woman to put her hands on a man in anger, either. Nor is it okay to throw someone's belongings in anger. But everyone has moments of weakness, and I don't think something like this has to end a relationship, especially if nobody was hurt. Instead, take it as clear evidence that you need help learning how to argue fairly and effectively. Even if you're able to resolve this fight, please get couples counseling to learn better ways to deal with disagreements.

I agree.  And I REALLY agree that it's not o.k . for a woman to touch a man in anger either.  I kind of feel like you're looking for a pass for touching him because he threw something of yours, but when he then touched you in some manner - that's totally off limits. 

Nope.  It's not o.k. for either of you to touch the other in anger. 

ksblumb

I don't this is a controversial topic at all. I'm sure all adults would agree that it is never okay for someone to hit or touch someone else out of anger, regardless of who is hitting who. 

Golden42

It is NEVER ok for either party to a relationship to put their hands on the other in anger. I actually think it is bullshiit that women seem to get more of a free pass on this issue sometimes.

Now, if you had had a knife or something like that, and the guy needed to defend himself, then that is a different story to me. It doesn't sound to me like you were truly harming him and he needed to defend himself, so you were both wrong to do what you did.

doglove

I agree with others - neither of your fighting style is healthy for your relationship.

RenoisPrettierThanYou

I'm not sure what he did in response.  If he pushed you away in an effort to deter what he thought might be further physical conduct on your part, I can't say I'd be angry at him.  If he, however, punched you in retaliation, I'd leave him.

Sillygirl45

My husband pushed me once. He looked more alarmed and upset than me. I put up with none of this nonsense and he knows it. I love him, but not more than I love myself. Everyone has moments, only you or he known if this was an isolated incident, or if you're making excuses for bad behavior. Good luck! 

Kimbus22

It's not okay for anyone to put their hands on anyone in anger.

It is okay for a man to put his hands on a woman to restrain her if she's attacking him physically.

Shaking/pushing/grabbing/hitting not okay.

julieandjojo

Thank you everyone for your responses     We had a good talk about it and are each making steps to fix the issues that led to that. I was worried he felt that what he did was "justified" which kind of shook up my whole world and was the main reason for the question. But in the end he does not think that way and was sorry for it, and I have a lot I have to face up to and change as well. Again, thanks!

laurakaz13

julieandjojo:

Thank you everyone for your responses     We had a good talk about it and are each making steps to fix the issues that led to that. I was worried he felt that what he did was "justified" which kind of shook up my whole world and was the main reason for the question. But in the end he does not think that way and was sorry for it, and I have a lot I have to face up to and change as well. Again, thanks!

I'm assuming you also apologized for putting your hands on him? 

entropicbeauty

Apollo worded it much more elegantly than I did.

entropicbeauty

Apollo worded it much more elegantly than I did. 

BlondieBia21

Apollo11235:

Never.

That said, it's never okay for a woman to put her hands on a man in anger, either. Nor is it okay to throw someone's belongings in anger. But everyone has moments of weakness, and I don't think something like this has to end a relationship, especially if nobody was hurt. Instead, take it as clear evidence that you need help learning how to argue fairly and effectively. Even if you're able to resolve this fight, please get couples counseling to learn better ways to deal with disagreements.

This. Couldn't have said it better.