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My Marriage is Over - How to Move Forward?
I have been married just shy of 2 years. My husband is a complete loser (which he kept pretty well hidden before we were married) He is an alcoholic who cannot keep a job. When I told him I wanted a divorce he cried like a baby and begged me not to leave. So, I told him he had until 6/30 to get his $hit together (quit the drinking and get a job). Well it is not looking like that is going to happen so I feel I need to prepare myself.
I want to ask him to leave our home but he says it belongs to both of us. We bought the house together and is deeded to both of us, but the loan is in my name. I feel like since I am the one who has been making the payments that I have every right to stay.
This is not what I expected when I said "I do" and I just don't know where to start. Any advice?
Re: My Marriage is Over - How to Move Forward?
Did you just find out about his problems, or has he been warned and worked on it before? If this just came up, the timeline for him to get sober and get a job seems short to me. (Ten days?) Could you agree with him on some steps he needs to take by then (join AA, apply for something, etc) that would break it up into more manageable pieces?
But first, you might need to figure out if you really want to stay with him. Are you prepared to stand by him and support him in his journey to recovery if he truly wants to stop drinking? Or are you already done? If he did stop drinking, would you want to be with him? Are you prepared for it to take time?
also, if you do want to stay, you're both going to need support. Get a counsellor or join a group that can support both of you while he gets sober. It will help you stay sane and keep him accountable to someone other than you.
This can't be easy, but getting the problem out there is the first step. With help, hopefully you can both figure out where this is going. I'm sorry you're going through this.
This issue has been a source of contention between for quite a while. My timeframe of 6/30 was given back in May. I figured 6 weeks was sufficient time to at least make positive steps towards recovery. Nothing has been done at all. No attempts to find a job and no steps towards sobriety. Basically he has spent the last six months laying on the couch watching Swamp People and American Pickers with a rum and coke in his hand.
I was initially hurt by all of this, now I am just flat out angry about it. I married my husband to create a partnership, not to be his mother.
ETA - I would like to stay with him if he is SOBER. If he made a genuine attempt to quit drinking, I would support him 100%. Unfortunately, he has shown no interest in sobriety.
legally you can't make him to leave your home just yet because you are still married which means that he is legally entitled to live there. even if you were to, for example, get an apartment elsewhere he still legally has the right to just move right in and there would be nothing you could do for the most part. if you want to keep the house in the long run, you'll have to prove that the loan is in your name and that you've been the one making all of the payments on it. depending on where you live, if your state of residence is a marital property state, this still might not be enough unless you can have him sign a settlement agreement stating that you paid for it and he has no claim to it.
regardless, if you are serious about pursuing a divorce, you need to get yourself an attorney. they'll need to cite grounds for the divorce, which in your case will probably have to be irreconcilable differences since there has been no infidelity, abuse, etc. in the state i live in, there has to be a breakdown in the marriage for at least 6 months before you can file under those grounds though. and if he's dead set on staying together, he can contest all of this in court so it could be a rough road ahead.
best of luck with all of this though.
He can go live at the Y or a shelter or live with a friend or a relative of his.
AlAnon for you, even if he is hitting the road. YOu made the right choice. Gl.
He was a gainfully employed social drinker when we met and while we were dating. Soon after we got married his son passed away unexpectedly and that when things started going downhill.
Well, I can understand how that could cause so issues, ill assume he had no therapy and drinking became his therapy.
I think that was an important fact you left out of the OP
See this is where I get stuck. I know he needs some psychological help, but he has been unwilling to get it. At what point do I say enough is enough?
We once had a wonderful relationship, he truly was my best friend. But I need him to be a fully functioning, contributing part of our relationship. And now I just feel like his Mother.
Have you tried saying that you have set up an appointment, and you want him to go with you, but if he refuses, that you will be going alone and you will take that as he is not willing to work on things.
I also agree that the fact that his child died is a huge fact that you left out of your OP. Not that it totally excuses his drinking, because it doesn't. But it provides a reason for why he is feeling so lost. I can't even imagine how I would feel.
If you feel he wouldn't be open to a couples' therapist, would he go see a grief counselor?