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Question about a friend
I come here randomly and read posts sometimes. I haven't joined before but wanted some input.
We've been living in this city for about a year and a half. The neighbor across the street & I became friends about a year ago. We hang out about once a month. I have a 3 yr old and she has a 7 yr old.
Our children have birthdays that are 1 week apart. My little girl's 3rd bday was last Saturday and her son's is this weekend. Her friend was visiting from Germany for a couple weeks. Her friend had been here for over a week (I wasn't invited to meet or hang out - which I could care less about)
BUT... on my child's birthday, I texted to see if her son wanted to come over for cake but had to send another text a couple hours later because I couldn't find any ready-made cakes at the grocers and other places (bakeries were closed early on Sat.) that didn't have peanuts or processed near peanuts. My child is obviously allergic to peanuts. So I texted her again apologizing that we couldn't find a cake. Did not hear anything back from either text... so after we have our 3yr old daughter open her gifts and we're all in here enjoying the time and playing with her new toys, her son comes to our door.
Well, you'd think it would be to wish our daughter a happy birthday, but NO. We open the door and our girl is happy to see him, still stoked about her new toy, only to have my supposed-friend-neighbor's son show off HIS new sunglasses. I couldn't believe it, and thought it was extremely rude. NOT that the kid did anything wrong at all...but really... his mom and I are supposed friends, and she couldn't even be bothered to acknowledge her birthday or even tell her son? Cuz some other friend was in town?
I just don't get it, but then again I don't just drop people & disregard them when it's inconvenient for me. Her other friend had already been in town for over a week, and my daughter's birthday wasn't even something she had to come over or bring her friend over for. My daughter would have just simply loved a Happy Birthday wish from the neighbor's son and so would I because it would've made her light up.
So she texts me to have my daughter come over for cake this weekend. Uhm, really? You all couldn't have cared less about her birthday, but I'm gonna drag her over there so she can watch the neighbor's son getting all the glory on his birthday? I didn't bother texting back, that text came late at night. Then earlier today she asked if her son could bring over a gift for our daughter? Self-serving much? So she couldn't be bothered on my daughter's birthday, but now it sounds like she scrambled to get a last minute gift before the weekend and her son's birthday so she wouldn't look like a complete *ss for not even caring about my girl's birthday when she thinks we're going over bringing a gift for her son.
Forget my birthday, anniversary, whatever... but that just really hurt to see my daughter's face light up when he came over only to have the wind knocked out of her because he only wanted to show off his new sunglasses. I'm so irked about this situation 
Is it just me, or is this a friendship I just need to let die out? Am I over-reacting (which really, mama-bear in me doesn't think so)? Do you all just drop the people in your lives when you have company over to stay for a couple weeks? Is it acceptable to get disregarded and dropped because she had a visitor?
TIA... I am usually not that thin-skinned, but my god people hurting my child makes me want to throat punch.
Re: Question about a friend
You sound really REALLY high maintenance. Give her a break, she had a friend from out of the country visiting her. You and your daughter's birthday were probably the last things on her mind ( shocking I know).
My goodness it was your kid's 3rd birthday. My own siblings can't even come to my kid's birthdays. You actually are starting to sound like a crazy person.
Actually I'm not "high maintenance." I couldn't care less about anything having to do with my birthday, holidays, or anything else. I think it bothered me so much because it was my daughter that was enjoying her birthday and her new toy, and here comes the friend-neighbor's kid to show off his new toy in her face and I just couldn't believe how utterly inconsiderate that was.
Thanks. Appreciate the advice.
To me, it sounds like your friend was really busy, and probably stressed out having an out-of-town guest and planning a birthday.
Do you really expect a 7 year old boy to wish your daughter happy birthday? Are you really mad at a child because he didn't do this? I also find it hard to believe that a 3 year old had the "wind knocked out of her" because someone didn't mention her birthday. If she was a little upset, a mature way to deal with it would be to say something like: "hey, cool sunglasses! Guess what? It's (daughters) birthday today!" I bet he'd wish her happy birthday, there, problem solved. He's 7.
i know you're upset, but I think it's an overreaction. Your friend is trying to make it up to you by inviting you for cake, and you're going to hold a grudge? It's up to you to teach your daughter how to deal with conflict. Give her a great example of how to be nice to others and take the high ground. Go eat some cake and celebrate both birthdays!
P.s Also, maybe she sent her son over to say happy birthday and he forgot. Kids will be kids. And I think it's a little mean to say (repeatedly) that he came to shove his new toy in her face. I'm sure he didn't have such a mean intention, he was probably just excited and wanted to show his friend. (Or if he is a mean kid, you wouldn't be letting him hang out with your daughter right?)
Guess you missed the part where I placed absolutely ZERO blame on a child. I just thought my neighbor was more of a friend than that and wouldn't have forgotten or dropped us because of company.
And I actually did do what you said, complimenting him on his new shades and eventually in the conversation said that today was my daughter's birthday. And ya, after I said it he wished her a Happy Birthday. Who the heck would take anything out on a CHILD? Sheesh!
My issue was with my supposed friend, not her kid. I can't imagine anything lower than taking anything out on a child because of their parent. Ugh.
And I do think we'll just take the high ground on this one. Go eat cake, let my daughter play with her friend, and just suck it up. But I'll definitely know in the future that I'm not as close a friend to my neighbor as I thought I was. Lesson learned.
Thank you so much for the down-to-earth advice. I will take that route. Appreciate it!
Ummm....he's 7. They're not known for being considerate. I highly doubt the kids mom was sitting in here house, rubbing her hands together evilly and instructing her child to go over to your house and brag about his new glasses to make your kid feel bad.
And no, I don't think it's unreasonable to be unavailable when you have house guests for a week or two. That's a big undertaking.
You're making a giant deal out of a kid being a kid. I'm sure your daughter will survive this without needing therapy. Move on.
LOL. Yeah. Forgot about that part. The MOM of a child with food allergies for pete's sake. Who should know that that would make just grabbing a cake at the last minute a problem.
This is all sorts of nuts.
I'm not sure I picked up the whole story, but I got:
- She has a friend visiting her from Germany, and you sent her a text inviting her for cake. Then you sent her a text saying that you weren't having cake.
- She and her friend didn't come by to not have cake. Her kid did stop by and acted like a kid ("Who care's if it's your birthday when I've got NEW SUNGLASSES!!!! zomg!").
- Then she invites you to come over for cake the next weekend, and she asks if she can send over a gift for your daughter.
Did I miss anything crucial?
Two things in particular stood out to me from your post:
"Her other friend had already been in town for over a week"
Ummm... She flew from Germany. This was recently? Do you know how much a plane ticket to the US costs in June? And I'm sorry, but a week is not a lot of time when you haven't seen someone in years. Honestly, if I flew back to the US to visit one of my friends, I would expect her to ditch me for a 3-year-old's birthday only if it was her very BFF's kid, a close relative, or a godchild.
"Self-serving much? So she couldn't be bothered on my daughter's birthday, but now it sounds like she scrambled to get a last minute gift before the weekend and her son's birthday so she wouldn't look like a complete *ss"
So she's self-serving for sending your daughter a late present? I don't think I really understand this. Do people normally have ulterior motives when they send you holiday gifts? "Here's an Amazon gift card for Christmas! (I hope you understand that by accepting it, you are expected to water my plants next time I travel!)
I didn't see anything in your post about your daughter's response. Did she say, "Why didn't Mrs. Smith come watch me open my presents?!" Did she cry when the neighbor kid showed off his new sunglasses? You say that you want to throat punch people who hurt your daughter, but you don't say anything about her being upset. I was very close to some of my neighbors when I was a kid, but I wouldn't have cared if they weren't there when I had new toys to play with. It was more a "Yay! Grandma/neighbor/friend could come!" but I never really noticed when they couldn't.
Is it just me, or is this a friendship I just need to let die out?
No, but your friend might!
Am I over-reacting?
Signs point to YES
Do you all just drop the people in your lives when you have company over to stay for a couple weeks?
Depends on who it is and how far they've traveled. I have a lot of friends who go completely off grid when they have close friends/relative come visit from the US. Maybe I'll get a dinner in with them, but I would never expect it unless it was a very close local friend who talked so much about said OOT friend that I felt like I knew them already. Then, yeah. If you've told me about your friend Kathy a dozen times, and we hang out every weekend, then I might be sad if I didn't get to meet the famous Kathy when she was in town.
Is it acceptable to get disregarded and dropped because she had a visitor?
You said that you could care less about meeting her friend and hanging out, and you didn't sent the cake-no-cake invite until the same day, so I fail to understand where the "disregarded and dropped" comes in. If you had invited her in advance and she had accepted and never canceled, and then didn't show up because of her visitor? That's not really acceptable. But if you sent her a same-day text? No obligation. Heck, for a same-day text, I wouldn't feel the right to be upset even if it was my best friend with no visitors. Maybe she had already committed to plans that day.
I'm sorry, but, I agree with PP that you are over-reacting. I doubt your daughter cared that much that her friend didn't say happy birthday to her. If she is anything like another 3 year old, she will shrug it off and get back to playing with all of her new toys.
Don't forget that your friend DID get your daughter a present, even if it was a day late. It's the thought that counts.
Imagine that the situation was flipped: what if you had a guest in town that you hadn't seen in a while during your friend's son's birthday. Would you take time away from your visit to go to his party? Probably not. Would you take time to stop by and say hi for a minute, yes, possibly. To give your friend even more credit: she stopped by twice to see your daughter (once to say hi the day of the party, and once more the next day to deliver the gift).
Please give your friend a break.
If this is what happened - then yea, dude, you are WAY over-reacting. You're going to end a friendship over this?
And I truly find it VERY hard to believe that your DD was in any way, shape, or form actually "upset" that this kid showed up and didn't expressly wish her happy birthday.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
Way, way overreacting. Geeze. You invited them last minute, basically retracted the invite, and then got pissed she didn't show up with her friend who is from Germany. If I had friends who were visiting from far away, who I didn't get to see often at all, I would not be going to a kid's birthday party. And your kid is 3. It isn't like she would notice. Also, you know, life happens sometimes. People get busy and can't always come to everything. That should be ok.
You do sound high maintenance. Maybe you aren't, but hopefully if that is the case you will realize that you did overreact once you have some time to think about it.
Wow. I'm not a parent so I could be way off base here but do you really think a 3 year old cares that much about not getting a birthday wish from her friend? You're upset because you think she hurt your child but I can't fathom a kid that age really understanding or caring enough to be "hurt."
I can understand mild disappointment but you're reaction is completely over the top. Your friend was entertaining a guest, your daughter's birthday must have slipped her mind, and she's trying to make up for it by giving her a gift now and you think it's self-serving?
Just wow.
But it was a KID that came over to show off his glasses. You think your neighbor put him up to it... "Go over there and rub YOUR new toy in HER face so we can ruin her birthday"? That's ridiculous. A kid doesn't have the wherewithal to know that it's someone else's special day and that he or she shouldn't show off their toys to the birthday girl. Hell, even it was adults I don't see the big deal. You are seriously overreacting.
Seriously? I got this wrong? You said you didn't expect your friend to come over, so you're not mad that she didn't come over, right? Here's what YOU said:
"like I said, her and her friend didn't even have to swing by, but at the very least completely forgetting us and sending her son over to shove his new toy in my girl's face on her birthday, I thought that was kinda rude."
So the problem was her son coming over to "shove his new toy in my girl's face". So yes, to me it sounds like you're mad at a child. Or you seriously think your friend sent him over to annoy you. I'm sure that's not the case.
I'm still at a loss as to what you think your friend did wrong. You said you didn't expect her to come, so why are you mad?
Did you ever stop to think that maybe SHE thought it was rude that you invited her for cake and then UN-vited her?
Ahhhhh, yes, it seems my "You sound like a crazy person" suspicions were right.
You really need to stop with this nonsense or you will be the crazy mom whose kids have no friends. I am completely serious.