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Feeling guilty - help
DH and I have been married 6+ years. 3 kiddos (1 from IVF) and tons of life events (residencies/school, military moves, professional exams). Most of the time, our relationship is all business. Surviving with 3 kids 3 and under requires coordination and juggling tasks. Even before #3, we rarely had sex. We waited until just a few weeks before our wedding to have sex because DH was a virgin and wanted to wait. I was not and wanted to break the ice before our wedding night. In any event, we probably had sex 3-5 times per month the first year of marriage; we were both doing surgical residencies and kept crazy hours. After DD1 was born, it probably went to 1 time every 2 months. After DD2 was born, it was more like every 3-4 months (and there was a period where we lived in a hotel for 3 months during a crazy medical situation/military move from overseas with DD2 and had the kiddos 24/7 so sex was not even on our radar.) I'm pretty sure we've had sex 1 time in the past 15 or 16 months. I feel bad about it for DH so last night I talked myself into it - put on lingerie and mentioned it to DH. We started to mess around and he could tell I just wasn't into it. He asked me what I felt and I told him honestly, it is just a bad feeling - like impending doom or guilt. It's horrible. I feel so bad for him and I feel so bad that I feel this way with DH. I didn't seem to have this problem in my early 20s in college - my college sweetheart and I would often have sex 2x/day and were crazy, spontaneous, etc. But that was college, no big responsibilities and plenty of hormones. Part of me thinks it is because DH is so sensitive about my feelings that he is hesitant and also I know he isn't confident because he hasn't had other experiences. I want him to be more assertive (50 shades-ish) but how can I expect that when I probably damage his confidence?
Advice, please. DH mentioned counseling, I don't even know where I'd start but I do want things to be different!
Re: Feeling guilty - help
It is very possible he is not a sexual person, and never will be -- and it is very possible that you and he were never sexually compatible.
Very possible?
In fact I say that's what the problem is.
You can't make him into a raving sex maniac or a pants monster of love: he is what he is: a guy who rarely has sex. That is how he is, the same as there are women who do not wish or desire to have sex frequently.
It's also quite possible that you 2 have grown apart and there's nothing left.
You married him and it's done but before the relationship even got serious you should have asked yourself would you be happy with a guy who is not as sexual as you are. He was a virgin; you were not and you weren't even sure when he would want to have sex, unless during your early dating stages he straightaway said "I am currently non sexually active, never have been, and I wish to wait until I am wed."
You can't make him into wht he is not but I say it's possible for him to at least meet you halfway on what you want in the bedroom. 2 times a week would be fantastic, given your schedules and given you've got small kiddoes.
A long conversation is warranted. As I always say, communication is key.
Wishing you luck.
ETA: I know the horse is way out of the barn but if the issue of little sex with your H was a problem to you, you and he should have put the kiddo project on hold until the issue was rectified to your satisfaction. That there are kids in this picture makes your problem all the more difficult and tenuous.
I appreciate the reply but think I may have been unclear
It is an issue for both of us; DH would like sex more often. He was waiting until marriage and I was fine with that. Now that we are married, he'd be much happier and I think realistic with a 1-2 times per week...but we have a long way to go to get there. Part of our struggle is reconnecting after 3 kids and seeing sex as a scheduled commitment through infertility.
The issue is that I have negative emotions (anxiety, guilt, *something* I can't explain) about half way through foreplay. Sometimes I just push on through, but DH can tell I'm not really enjoying it, and it obviously kills the mood for both of us. He's suggested counseling to see why I feel that way, I just don't know where to start or if anyone's had experience with this. I just wonder why I haven't always had these feelings - I have with some people I casually dated before DH, it's just that I do remember a time 10+ years ago during my carefree college years that I didn't feel this way.
It sounds to me like you need a vacation. Could you two get away for a weekend or even a week? I think part of the problem is the boring routine of life and the constant stress involved in everyday tasks. What you need is time away from all that to get back to the basics.
Have those difficult conversations and talk about your feelings with your hubby. He sounds like a very understanding man that wants to see you happy. My husband is very similar- he is a gentle, kind person that would do whatever it took to make me happy. I find it interesting that some of our biggest problems are really my fault because I don't address them properly. The moment I effectively communicate how I am feeling, my husband makes the necessary changes. So often we assume our man knows how/what we think when they are actually clueless. Not because they are stupid but because we aren't being upfront and honest.
Anyway, I wish you luck, do everything you can to make this work because it sounds like you have a good man and those kiddos need to see mommy and daddy having a healthy relationship. Hope something I said helped! Good luck and God bless.
"You know you're in love when you don't want to fall asleep because reality is finally better than your dreams." - Dr. SeussThe root cause is your feelings. I would suggest individual or couple's counseling.
This. Figure out what your are not willing to admit and go from there. I think you have had a lot of life events in a short time. Your DH sounds caring and understanding, I would go with his suggestion. I think counseling is often ineffective when people wait too long to go.
Baby Boy loved for 15 weeks, 5/31/11
Baby Girl loved for 16.5 weeks. 3/1/12
Like what was said above, I believe you should look into your feelings, and what causes the guilt during foreplay. If he can see the issues you're having and stops, he truly cares about you. Don't call the marriage quits. You should seek counseling of some sort, I'm sure there is someone out there who has gone through what you've been through, or knows how to handle it. Don't give up, keep the strength, because there was a reason you both got married, and if you guys can make it through this, you'll be stronger than ever. Just fight through it and make an effort to improve the situation.
I'll be praying for you.