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I don't know what to do. Looking for advice/support
I'm not sure where to being all of this, so it may just sound like rambling...
I don't know if I should leave my husband or stick it out a little longer. We have been married for almost ten years. We have three kids under 4 years old. We went through many years of fertility treatments to have our kids, which was the "beginning of the end" for us. My husband has grown angrier as the years have passed and has been drinking more and more. He goes through a giant bottle of bourbon every 3 days. It has turned into us basically being roommates. He tells me he hates coming home from work to all of the chaos from the kids. He hates the day-to-day monotony of having children. He doesn't want anything to do with them other than playing with them occasionally. He has no interest in doing fun "family" things and it ends up with me taking the kids to do things, and make excuses to other people as to why he isn't there. All along, he has been telling me he is still in love with me so he's willing to try to make it all work. Until last night. Last night he told me he was no longer in love with me and doesn't know that he ever will be again.
If we didn't have kids, I would be gone in a heartbeat. But I'm a SAHM so I have no way to support me and the kids. Plus we went through MANY fertility treatments paying OOP, so we really have no savings to use.
What would you do? Stay until I go back to work and can support me and my 3 kids? If I leave now, how would I support us??
Re: I don't know what to do. Looking for advice/support
You need to leave him because he is a drunk.
You can:
Either tell him "I am hitting the road because you're a drunk. When you clean up your act with the help of AA and/or a 12 step program, contact me. Until then, goodbye" or tell him "Itt's the booze or it's AA and me and the kids. Choose NOW"....and then let him make his decision.
If he doesn't get his azz to a meeting on the spot after your ultimatum, you gtfo. Take the kids and go, the next day, when he's at work. Be gone by the time he gets home.
Go to your mother's, a relative's, a shelter --- DO NOT stay with him because you have no job. Hock something; take half the assets you and he have saved up and use part of that money for an airfare ticket home.
And if you call your parents and tell them WHY you are leaving, I am sure they will pay for your ticket. Get out of there; do not stay, if he will not get clean and sober with the help of AA and/or a 12 step program.
The kids are suffering irreparably because of their drunk dad and the effed up marriage dynamic that's there right now.
And AlANon, for you right now. Go to the web, find a meeting and go --- or try an AA meeting. Get a sponsor and tell them what's happening to you. They will give you the same advice that we are giving you: Leave him because he is a drunk. GL
BTW, safeguard your assets. A drunk will bankrupt you; that money will go right to the barman.
I suggested you do it while he is not home because one never knows -- do it then because you don't know how he might react when you tell him in person that you will take the kids and go.
I don't want to be an alarmist but your safety, and that of your kids' safety, first.
Family is FAMILY ---- do not worry about pride or how long you will "be there" --- just do it. You cannot subject you or your kids to this kind of dysfunctional life that you have while you are with your H.
Stay there long enough to get on your feet, find a job and then move out and get a small apartment with the kiddoes.
Thanks for that reply. I didn't think of it from the angle of his reaction. We've had plenty of conversations about this for him to know it's in my thought process. It won't be a total surprise, but I imagine it will be quite shocking for him to see me actually going through with it.
I think the thing that I was most hesitant about is that I want to stay home with my kids until they're in school. I still have a few years until the youngest ones are in school full time and I wanted to be home with them until that point. That was the only motivation for me "sticking it out". One of our kids has special needs and I devote a lot of time to getting him to/from therapy and I just don't know how I'd manage all of that if I worked full time.
Does anyone know how much is typically given per kid for child support? I'm sure each family is different, but is there a good guesstimate someone could give me??
This is pretty heavy stuff. Between his boozing, lack of interest (if not outright distaste) for his own kids, telling you he doesn't love you anymore, etc. this marriage won't be salvaged.
Move in with your family, get a job, and get a lawyer to start divorce proceedings. You don't want your children growing up in this kind of environment. You really need to exhaust all efforts to get them out. It's not healthy for them to experience this.
Child support: you can find the info online. In TX for example, if your husband makes less than $7,500 (net) he would pay 30% for 3 children.
I would leave him. Why? Because he doesn't love you, he is acting like he doesn't love his children, his drinking is excessive and you've given us no good reasons why he's worth staying for.
http://www.ncsl.org/issues-research/human-services/guideline-models-by-state.aspx
I would not know how much that amount would be. You need an attorney for that.
Special needs may be a bit more.
You can't expose them to their drunk dad. They've already got a rough road ahead of them since they are predisposed to an addiction, thanks to their dad's being a drunk.
Plenty of conversations with him? You mean about him giving up the booze? Well, what kind of action have you seen him take to clean up his act and get sober? None.
Nice guy, that guy you married. You think he'd go by gentlemen's agreement!
If you want anything to change, leave him.
Another suggestion:
Safeguard your assets and do it now --- take your share of them and put them into an account he cannot touch -- and run a credit report on yourself and on him. You never know --- addicts will do anything to get enough money to get their fix. Being married to a drunk will bankrupt you, financially and emotionally.
You kick him out, and when he throws a fit / refuses to leave, you call the police. They will remove him for you.
Priorities:
1. kids
2. everything else.
Sounds like a real stand-up guy. What a prick. If he won't leave then do what you have to do.
No. Assuming they own the house together, the police will not remove him from his own home. Certainly, if he does something violent or illegal, then she should call the police. He may spend a brief period in jail, and she may be able to get a temporary civil protection order. However, nothing she have described in your posts would warrant a call to law enforcement.