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Sex after the baby (sorry, it got long)
My husband I had a really active sex life before our son came along. We didn't live together at all before we were married, so we only saw each other once or twice a week (we lived in different towns/went to different colleges) but we were always very much on the same page as far what we liked and when we liked it.
Obviously throwing a kid into the threw things off. I breastfed too, so my hormones were kind of all over the place. I had zero sex drive until I gave up pumping and my cycle returned. I got pregnant with number two shortly after that...
She is now 5 months old and since her birth we have had sex a grand total of once. This is due to a number of reasons:
1) I have some postpartum depression that I'm trying to get under control. That has involved changes/increases in anti-depressants which totally kill my mood.
2) I am still breastfeeding, and thus my lady parts are D-R-Y. DH is finds lube to be weird and he does not like it.
3) We have two young kids (two and five months) so alone time is rare
4) He works 2nd shift, so even after the kids go to bed we can't do anything, because he isn't home. He doesn't get home till about 11:30 and I'm usually asleep by then because I have to get up with the baby at 3am.
5) I just can't get in the mood...
My husband is crazy understanding about all of this, but I can tell it's getting to him. Quite frankly I really miss the intimacy too. When we do get down to trying, it hurts (lack of lubrication). I'm just sort of stuck. I finally got him to agree to use some lube, but the whole process was really awkward.
We are both pretty inexperienced (first partners for both of us). I grew up in a VERY conservative Catholic household, so masturbation, pornography, etc was all off the table. I have very little knowledge here. I know that DH does some self pleasuring, which I'm fine with, but I need some help here!
How can I get in the mood? How do we work around all of these issues?
Re: Sex after the baby (sorry, it got long)
Do you think you could feel comfortable watching porn with him?
Also the lube situation might be less awkward if you can find one that can also double as a massage oil.
Would he be able to stay awake or until after the baby goes back to sleep from the 3am wake up? Or can you wake him up?
Would you have the opportunity to go spend the night away at some point?
I agree with PP, it's crazy that your husband would rather that you had painful sex than just use some dang lube. And be patient. Your mojo will come back when you aren't a human milk machine.
Talk to your DH as openly a you can, and tell him that sex is painful without lube. Once you've used it for a while I'm sure it won't be as awkward for him. Good luck!
try is changing your lube to Pre-Seed. It's technically meant to help people with difficulty conceiving (supposedly normal lube inhibits the sperm, but this supposedly doesn't... But it's not like it makes you "more fertile, so no worries there). and it is safe to use with condoms. it doesn't work like the typical stuff where you slather it on during the act. Instead, it has a little applicator that lets you insert it from 20 minutes before up to immediately before you plan to have intercourse.
We started using it because we have struggled to get pregnant with no apparent cause, plus we have always needed lube every time so we though it was worth a chance. We haven't gotten pregnant yet, But the unexpected benefit is that its awesome. I have this wierd mental thing about stopping to open up the bottle and use the lube. that process just derails me and gets me out of the mood. But with Pre-seed you put it on before hand.. Your husband doesn't even need to see it witness it or necessarily even know you are using it. DH loves it because it feels like I'm super turned on. I like it because it works.The other nice thing is it kind of gives you (the woman) a little mental control over the situation, especially if you are having hangups about sex. put it in/on whenever you are feeling up to it, then you have about a half hour to spare til things are convenient (ie til your husband gets home, or you getup the nerve to initiate something). putting it in is a little awkward, but it makes the rest of the process so much more natural. It feels natural. It doesn't make as big a mess. No stopping mid-act to grab the bottle, cleanup is less messy than regular lube. Hubby loves it. I realize this sounds like an info-Mercian, but it has helped us a lot.
its hard to find, usually only in places like cvs or Walgreens. And it's expensive. But worth every penny to me.
It sounds like you have quite a lot going on, so I wouldn't be too hard on yourself. It's great that you're trying to work it out, though.
I would say, especially since you're both inexperienced, you should both try to be open to new things even if they seem awkward in the past. My husband and I were in the same boat when we got married, and we've found that some things take getting used to but can really be a big help. My husband also doesn't like traditional lube, although we've always had to use it since it can be sticky and goopy. But we've recently started using coconut oil which feels A LOT more natural and enjoyable. We both enjoy it so much more, so I would give that a try. You can find it at pretty much any grocery store and it just has to be heated a little because at room temperature it's a solid.
Maybe you can also try a different medication or treatment plan for the postpartum depression? There are lots of different things available, so maybe your doctor can help if you tell them about the side effects. Good luck!