Trouble in Paradise
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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Looked at his Text Messages. I know, bad idea.
So I am in a bit of a spot. Awhile ago, I posted about being jealous of my husband's renewed conversations with an old female(best) friend from high school that had kind of dropped off the face of the earth and then popped back up again a few months before we got married. I took some of the advice to heart and talked to him about it. The conversation didn't go very far--basically I can't be jealous of him having female friends--and that nothing was going on. But some of the other issues I brought up that were more of the problem than my jealousy such as him talking to her about thing instead of me, didn't really change much. Anyhow, the other day he left his phone laying out, and curiousity got the best of me. I looked through his text messages, still plenty from old high school buddy along with a lot of other people, but nestled in there was a name I didn't recognize. I thought at first it was a female student from school--he has lab partners, study groups, etc., but he usually tells me their names. So I opened the conversation and I did not like what I saw at all. I am 90% this girl is the last girlfriend he had before he dated me. And he said he missed talking to her. How am I supposed to feel about that?! I know that we have had and are having out rough spots, but really? Talk to ME. I don't know how to bring this up at all because I really shouldn't have looked through his texts, but I can't get it off my mind. Help please.
Re: Looked at his Text Messages. I know, bad idea.
What IS bad news is that he discussed an intimate problem with another woman instead of with you.
THAT is what you need to go after him for. He's got no business doing that. And that is already a sign of an emotional affair.
Depends on what you mean by "miss talking to you." The "talking" part is a grey area....it could mean a friendly "how you and how's the family?" or it could mean something else entirely wrong.
I so agree with this! Especially if a spouse has reason to suspect something is going on. I don't check my husband's cell or email because I don't suspect anything but if I did and found something incriminating there is no way in hell I would let him make me feel like I was more guilty for snooping than he was for cheating (emotionally at least).
I agree that it is a bit vague at this point, so more evidence could be helpful. OP if you regularly have access to his phone maybe hang back and keep an eye on the texts to see what else is written? If the texts are at all vague you can bet he will try to worm an excuse or plausible explanation.
See?
This is already keeping one eye open as you sleep.
Have a problem that he confided in a woman who is NOT his wife. the OP needs to be livid about that and consider showing him the door; this is already an emotional affair and he has already emotionally checked out of the marriage.
He sure is doing a lot of sneaky, inappropriate communication with other women while trying to make you think that you're the problem.
I don't see this marriage lasting, and that isn't because you're at fault.
Yeah this guy isn't trustworthy and gets defensive when you tell him how you feel? Not good.
And here's the thing about looking at texts/emails - you actually had reason to be suspicious of him. He hasn't really proven himself to be the most upstanding of guys. He totally dismissed your feelings about the friend. Why should you feel entirely secure in your relationship?
And while "snooping" is considered wrong, it does not negate what he's doing. not one tiny bit. If you do confront him, tell him you're willing to take your lumps for snooping, BUT that will be after you discuss the other issue at hand - this other woman who he is now texting with.
Do not let him get mad about the snooping and totally deflect what it is that he's doing. You being in the wrong does not give him any room to get out of what HE may be doing wrong. Two separate issues entirely. He doesn't get to make you the bad guy (again) and get to go on doing whatever it is that he's doing.
But really think about this- can you trust him? He's now had TWO texting relationships w/ other women. And he totally discounts your feelings about it. Do you think you can move on and actually fully trust him?
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10